CROSSOVER EPISODE!! Ready to ignite the spirit of generosity in your children? Dr. Beth Trammell and Leslie Bolser, your hosts from Core Essential Values, are here to guide us along this journey. We share handy tips to nurture and model this value in the youngest members of our families. We highlight how even the smallest gestures, like sharing Skittles, can significantly impact someone's day. As the festive season approaches, we stress the importance of intentionally involving children in acts of giving.
Our discussion evolves, encompassing the challenges of teaching older children about generosity and the significance of giving beyond materialistic expectations. We explore the idea that generosity can't be forced, especially in teenagers, but needs to be instilled and nurtured instead. We dive into the importance of teaching them to give without expecting anything in return and encouraging the transition from material giving to the kind that brings meaning to their lives. We conclude with a powerful conversation about giving to save or rescue, emphasizing the need for more profound conversations with our children. Strap in for an engaging exploration of generosity and its implications.
www.bethtrammell.com
CROSSOVER EPISODE!! Ready to ignite the spirit of generosity in your children? Dr. Beth Trammell and Leslie Bolser, your hosts from Core Essential Values, are here to guide us along this journey. We share handy tips to nurture and model this value in the youngest members of our families. We highlight how even the smallest gestures, like sharing Skittles, can significantly impact someone's day. As the festive season approaches, we stress the importance of intentionally involving children in acts of giving.
Our discussion evolves, encompassing the challenges of teaching older children about generosity and the significance of giving beyond materialistic expectations. We explore the idea that generosity can't be forced, especially in teenagers, but needs to be instilled and nurtured instead. We dive into the importance of teaching them to give without expecting anything in return and encouraging the transition from material giving to the kind that brings meaning to their lives. We conclude with a powerful conversation about giving to save or rescue, emphasizing the need for more profound conversations with our children. Strap in for an engaging exploration of generosity and its implications.
www.bethtrammell.com
Hey everyone, welcome back. I am your host, dr Beth Dremel, and I'm here for our crossover episode with my friend Leslie Bolser from Core Essential Values, and we're here to talk about generosity. Leslie, you want to introduce yourself and you know what? Tell us one fun thing this month about you.
Speaker 2:Just about me. Any fun thing? Excellent. Okay, my name is Leslie Bolser. I'm the Curriculum Director at Core Essential Values, which is mostly a curriculum company, but we do lots of other things for resources, resources for families and communities and how to live out these words, these values we talk about each month. And one fun thing about me is that, with some friends today I was filming a fun Christmas video and we needed some props to do it and I found in my own house, in my own garage, a bin of so many props that I've collected over the years. So I am a person who owns like Boas and weird looking sunglasses and funny hats and Christmas decorations for yourself, and I didn't even realize that about myself until today. But I came to meet up with my friends and make this video and I brought all the props.
Speaker 1:And so here's the thing that that means two things One, you are not married to, or you are not a person who is like I'm getting rid of everything that I haven't touched in the last like three weeks.
Speaker 2:No, definitely not. It is all organized. I knew it was in one particular bin in one particular place and I was just able to grab that and bring it with me. But it was kind of fun to realize that about myself.
Speaker 1:I'm a collector of props, which some people you know, taken too far, might call you a hoarder, just saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's true there weren't that many, but I was pleased with what I could pull together at the last minute. This is terrible.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, it's interesting. We're going to talk about hoarding and generosity in the same podcast episode. It's going to be interesting. You're going to want to stay tuned. Seems fitting actually.
Speaker 2:All right, so we're going to dig in. Okay, welcome back everybody. It's the start of December and where I am it's cold. I don't know about you all, but it is chilly here where I am and I'm excited to talk about a value that some might call a warm fuzzy. But I think we're going to discover today that it goes a lot deeper than that, I'm excited to dig into this topic of generosity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, and I'll say, you know, I think about our conversations throughout the month a lot of times, even ones we've had for past months, and things we've talked about as I'm parenting or as I'm working with kids in the community.
Speaker 2:I do, I do think back to some of the things we've talked about, and I definitely apply a lot of what we've discussed to try it out. You know, experiment on my own family, so to speak. So I'm excited to try this one out this month, though, because I think it is a word that really can have a lot of impact on the person who is being generous, as well as the person who is receiving the generosity. So we're talking about generosity, obviously, and the way we're going to talk about it this month is making someone's day by giving something away, and I really like that. It rhymes, it's really sweet and easy to remember, but I do think it has some really great application for our kids as we talk to them. So, beth, if you were talking to a parent of a young child, how would you talk about generosity?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So it's interesting this way that we're kind of talking about it is making someone's day and giving something away, and so I think most of the time we think about generosity being about money, our little ones don't usually have a lot of money and if they do, they have zero sense of what money actually means. Right, you know, you give them a $20 bill and you give them five pennies and they're like I want the five points for sure, like that's how my life is going to be the best. So I think we have to think about generosity a little bit differently when we have little ones, preschoolers, even early elementary age kids, and so the first thing to think about is always with. I mean, it feels like every time we're talking about this every month. You know, how are we modeling this for our little ones, starting very early? So how do they see us being generous and how do they see us receiving generosity from other people?
Speaker 1:And so when I think about the ways that I perceive myself as being generous, and particularly around this time of year, right, maybe we're making some end of year donations, maybe we're purging some things around the house to get ready for incoming Christmas things, but are my kids actually seeing that, what I'm doing right? Are they seeing me making those donations? Are they seeing me do those things In my life? My little ones aren't. You know. They're not necessarily seeing that and they're certainly not seeing it in connection to this word generosity making someone's day by sending a check in the mail or by, you know, making an offering online or whatever that might look like. So I think we have to be really intentional about saying hey, you know what, when you help me out in some way by coming to give me something that I've asked you to go get, maybe I call that generosity. Right, like you're sharing your Skittles with me at the basketball game and you gave me six instead of two. Yeah, I mean that is making someone's day by giving something away.
Speaker 2:They know that I love Skittles Absolutely, and to them I mean six instead of two of a prized possession. That's a pretty big deal.
Speaker 1:I mean it really is. So I think we have to like realize that in their world that like really may be a good first step of learning what generosity means.
Speaker 2:I was also thinking of you know, this time of year, maybe in the next month or so, as a parent, you might be receiving some really, really lovely handmade gifts, special art, Very special art that was maybe done in school or in an after school program or at church or any number of places, even maybe at your own kitchen table. And so I think, as a receiver of some of those over the years, I'm not sure that maybe I tied those to generosity. How can parents use those moments to really highlight what this word is about?
Speaker 1:I mean, I think you say exactly the very first part, right Like that. This really does make my day, because the truth is like your kids have been working on this art project at school or in this program for weeks, and some of them maybe not right Like some of them, maybe this was just the coloring sheet for the day or whatever, but if they're presenting it to you, it is their goal to make your day. They're not they don't necessarily say that out loud, but saying like it was really generous of you to think of me. Yeah, every day when you were coloring this little pinch pot, yeah, the number of pinch pots, yeah, I think it's like a, it's like a school requirement.
Speaker 2:And I think so. Yeah, and winter figures made out of a handprint on a piece of paper.
Speaker 1:That's true. Also, I know I have one who's come, who is going to be coming home because I've sent in the recyclables oh cool, and it's going to come back a treasure, yeah, yeah, well. So I think, I think it's good, it's a good reminder for all of us, right To be like. That was really generous of you to think of me, and it really did make my day that you're presenting this thing to me, that, while it's not the beautiful work of art that I would necessarily be naturally drawn to, let's say, I am drawn to the meaning behind the way my child is trying to say I did this for you because you matter. Right, that's the meaningful part of generosity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so, so great. It leads me to two things One, as a parent whose kids are way past that age of making handmade ornaments or things like that, looking back having those now as an adult, to look back on putting things on the tree and finding a little portrait of a preschooler or a second or two year old. They do have a lot of meaning and it does. It does make me feel really good to have those things that my kids made when they were really little. But you focused on the word meaning. You said it was meaningful and I think that's another way to kind of say making someone's day. As we think about older kids, parenting older kids, let's talk a little bit about finding meaning in giving. What does that look like when you're working with older kids?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So it's interesting. Sometimes we might have older kids, teenagers in particular, who may not naturally bend toward generosity, yeah, you know. And so I want to caution all of us like myself included I'm looking right at myself in the mirror here to say, like when my kid doesn't want to, like happily give their stuff away or happily make you know some sort of like generous gesture, it's okay, right, like I don't have to just shame them or make them feel terrible because generosity isn't their first initial thing. The reality is it goes against kind of their egocentric like their self centered place in development to be like I'm going to give my things away or I'm going to give my money away that I've worked really hard over the summer to be making, or that sort of thing. So I think the first thing to remember is that our older kids are not necessarily just being jerks. If you're like, hey, you need to, you know, go buy a gift for grandma for Christmas or whatever, and they're like, are you going to pay for it Because I don't really want to, you know like, oh, okay, let's just set that one out there for a second.
Speaker 1:But then also realize that helping our kids remember that generosity is about meaning more than it's about money, yeah, so a meaningful, generous gift or statement or gesture of any kind always feels more generous when it's meaningful, right? So I shared this example just a minute ago with you, before we started recording that my daughter hurt her knee in practice last week or the week before, and a lot of her teammates reached out and asked how she was doing, and you know they sent a lot of love in that way, which may be a form of generosity, right, like sending a text that isn't just hey, I hope you're feeling well, but hey, I'm going to be thinking about you and hey, I'm going to stop by and bring you some chips or something like that. Right, I think the meaning, the meaningfulness, comes. One teammate in particular said I'm going to bring you some cookies, and they asked her what her favorite cookie was, and they went to the bakery and they came not with one cookie, but with two dozen cookies, and that might sound like overkill when you're thinking about cookies, right, but my daughter is one of four kids, three of whom are boys, and so there's six people in our family, and so the generosity of this gift.
Speaker 1:It wasn't a lot of money, but it was really meaningful that then Maya, my daughter, was able to share with her brothers, and her friend knew that, knew that that was going to be a part of what Maya would probably do. So that meaningfulness at the heart of generosity, I think, is an important part of the lesson we need to teach not just don't be miserly or don't be, you know, you know, kind of stuck in this. I don't want to give my money, I don't want to give my things more like Is it meaningful and how do we make it meaningful? Because that's at the heart of generosity.
Speaker 2:That's really great. So one last thing I know, as we're talking about older students and I agree with everything you're saying I also know that at this point in their life they are really looking for where they fit, how they make a difference in the world, how they're the impact that they have. They're socially conscious. So I'm wondering about how we have really if my kid's ready for this, let's say, how do I have a really deep conversation with my kid about the difference between being generous and, let's say, maybe expecting something in return, or expecting that my gift is going to save someone, instead of maybe just make their day or just help them out or make them feel better. You know what I'm saying. Like I wonder about how some of our older kids, who are figuring out where they fit in the world, might interpret generosity.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's so good and socially it really does matter a lot, because giving things to other people can sometimes feel like, well, if I do this, then this person will do X in return, and if we have those expectations around giving things away, then it's probably not generosity Right, and so I think it's important for us, A frequent or an initiation or a yeah, it's something different.
Speaker 1:Right, it's something else about the social relationship that we're having, like a misunderstanding around communications and what the relationship is really about and it's really common, right? So if your kid is like, well, I'm not giving them a gift because they're not gonna get me one back, that's fine. Okay, like, your kid is very normal for thinking that. Like, I'm pretty sure I've thought that in the last 43 years of my life where I was like, well, I don't know, and so just recognize that, like your kid isn't just a horrible human. If they are having expectations around this, I think reminding them that generosity is about making their day without needing anything in return. Yeah, I think sometimes our teens in particular can feel stuck a little bit, like if I don't give away this thing or if I don't give a gift to this person, then they're not gonna wanna be my friend anymore, or they won't be my best friend anymore, or, you know, fill in the blank. And so, again, I think it's just important to remember that those moments are teachable moments for us as parents to say, hey, look, generosity in our family means we are able to give the things, the gifts, the time, the things that we have, without expecting things.
Speaker 1:I think the other thing that comes up here that you mentioned is giving things away in an effort to kind of save someone or rescue them from something that's going on, and I think that also requires kind of a bigger conversation. And so if you're sensing that you're upper elementary or even your teenager is is really honed in on saving a particular person or feeling like they need to do that, then we probably have to have a longer conversation just to say listen, I love that you want to be generous. I'd probably use those words. I'd say I love that you want to be generous. This person talked to me about what makes you want to do X and Y and Z for them. Tell me about what makes you want to give them your $200 pair of shoes that we just bought for them. I think having a longer conversation is good as long as you're not also pushing your kid into a corner where they're going to come out feeling defensive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's great. I love when some of these values that we talk about maybe don't feel quite as connected to raising kids in a certain way or with a certain traits or anything like that. However, we talk more about them, the deeper they really get and how you can start with making someone's day. That can be a really simple, small thing, or it can be a really deep conversation with your kid about their motivation behind a friendship or behind giving something to someone or behind an action that they take towards someone. I love it. I love it when the values bring out those different things Depending on where you are in your relationship with your kid and where your kid is. With this, the conversation about generosity looks really, really different. Yeah, it's so true.
Speaker 2:So we're going to wrap up for today. If you want to know more about core essentials, we're on social media, at CEVALUES, or you can go to our website, core essentialsorg. What about you?
Speaker 1:Beth, yeah, my website is MakeWordsMatterForGoodcom and I have two podcasts outside of the work that you and I do together also here. We have Kids these Days, and also I have Things you Learn in Therapy, where I interview therapists and psychologists from all over the world. So if you like other podcasts, I would invite you to join and listen there also Excellent.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for joining us. It was very generous of you.
Speaker 1:I love that we just pulled that right on back.
Speaker 2:Thanks everybody.
Speaker 1:Alright, happy new year.