Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep64: Embracing Single Motherhood by Choice: A Journey of Intention and Support
Have you ever considered the unconventional path of becoming a single mother by choice? Join me as I sit down with my dear friend, Dr. Sarah Connolly, to discuss her thought process and journey to embracing single motherhood. Sarah shares some misconceptions about the single mothers by choice community and highlights the importance of intentionality and support networks throughout her experience.
We dive into the challenges Sarah faced during her fertility treatments and share her story of freezing embryos to ensure she was making the right decision for herself and her future child. As a psychologist, Sarah offers valuable insights on managing thoughts and emotions during her journey, as well as the importance of building a support system and preparing for the unexpected. She also touches on the practical aspects of choosing a donor and the gratitude she feels for the person who helped make her dream of motherhood come true.
Finally, Sarah discusses talking to her child about their unique family dynamic and the role the donor played in their lives. Through her story, we explore the joys and triumphs of being a single mother by choice, and how to embrace the challenges and victories along the way. Tune in to this inspiring and informative conversation and learn from Sarah's journey as she navigates single motherhood with grace and determination.
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www.bethtrammell.com
All right, listener, welcome back. I am glad you're here. This is Things to Learn in Therapy, and I'm your host, dr Beth Tramell. I'm a licensed psychologist and an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I'm also the director of the Master's in Mental Health Counseling Program, and I am so happy that I have one of my dear friends and psychologists here on the episode today to share maybe something a little bit different this time around. My dear friend, dr Sarah Conley, has joined today to share a little bit of her story, and I invited her to be here because, yeah, she is a psychologist and a BCBA and she specializes in working with kids and families, particularly on the autism spectrum or developmental delay, but today she's talking as a mother, and so I am thrilled to have you here, sarah, to share a little bit about this. Before we jump in, can you tell us a little bit about you? I've already just rambled a whole bunch of stuff about you, but you have more things to say about you And one fun thing about you.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Yeah, thanks, beth. So, as Beth said, i am a psychologist in BCBA. I currently live in Omaha, nebraska. A one fun big thing about me is that I'm a mom. I'm a single mother by choice, so me and my son have a little bit of an unconventional family, but he is 11 weeks old tomorrow And so you'll be hearing him too, hopefully, and not scream.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So yeah, I love that, yeah, and what y'all can't see is that Sarah keeps just kind of like looking at her baby and looking at the camera, and looking at her baby and looking at the camera, and so I just love this so much And really that's why we're here. right, i think to talk about being a mother by choice is something that I think a lot of people are like. why would a person do that, like why would they be asking for a baby when they're not? I don't know what would people say. They're not ready, they're not with someone. I don't know. I don't say that, so I don't know, but I'm just trying to think of what people might say. So maybe you can start by just sharing a little bit about why you made this decision. but also, what have some of the folks, what are some of those stereotypes around making this choice?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:So I mean, beth, i took care of your kids when they were babies. I can't believe it, it's wild. So I've like kind of number one goal, i think my entire life is to be a mom, and so always kind of daydreamed about that and imagined what that would be like. And, yeah, i mean that's always been the biggest value and priority to me is, you know, definitely established myself in my career but on my way to being a mother. And so I think that, like I probably, like a lot of people, thought about that in a very conventional way of well, you meet somebody, you get married and then you have a baby And that's how you create a family.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:And I was really pursuing that for a lot of my like young adult years was to find a partner and find the right partner And with the goal of being a mom. And I, you know, dated throughout my twenties and those were all relationships that were okay. There was nothing you know traumatic about any of them, but they just didn't work out. And when my last relationship ended, when I was about 30, i kind of, instead of being devastated that this relationship ended, felt like I think I was in that relationship as like a means to an end of like marry this person so that I can have a baby. And it ended thought almost immediately like do I really need to be in a relationship to have a baby? Yeah, and so I just started doing a lot of like reading And there's some like national organizations for women who have a baby on their own single mothers by choice And like I just felt very connected to the idea of this and started connecting with other moms who had chosen this kind of route for themselves And so that just kind of like started my journey about five years ago. Honestly, and like it wasn't a quick decision. It was very well thought out and planned. But yeah, about five years ago I was living in Columbus, ohio, and started like looking into single mothers by choice. I was living in Columbus and there was a group, a local like chapter of single mothers by choice group And and they were open to moms who had babies, but also people who are just thinking about this, people who are planning for it and going through fertility treatment, and so I started meeting with this like amazing group of women And like I had my own kind of preconceived ideas of like Oh, these are going to be like older women who couldn't find a partner, like there must be something wrong with them, like I'm going to meet with a bunch of weirdos. Yeah, turns out they are. They were in a you know like just shows my bias and a talented, smart, wonderful group of independence, you know, secure kind of women. They kind of really helped me think about like my options.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:The first kind of step of fertility treatment that a lot of single mothers by choice go through is like intrauterine insemination, so like artificial insemination with a sperm donor, and that was an option for me at that time. But I felt like I wasn't ready. I felt like I really kind of wanted to like know where my fertility stood and then kind of make a plan from there. So I met with a fertility specialist and they were great because they just like laid out all of the statistics for me of like I was 31 at the time And so like this is where things stand for you at this point. These are kind of your percentages, your chances of getting pregnant through IUI.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Thought about freezing eggs. You know that's kind of like something that you hear about for women who are wanting to kind of preserve their fertility, and so they told me kind of the statistics related to getting pregnant with a frozen egg that was later fertilized. But the women that I was meeting with, they were pretty helpful And kind of a lot of them were at that point, i think in their 40s, and they said you know, if I was your age and I knew that this was the route that I was going to go you might want to think about freezing embryos, so finding a sperm donor now and fertilizing those eggs and putting them on ice until you're ready. And so when I talked with my fertility specialist about that, he told me kind of the statistics and it really was like, okay, that makes the most sense And the only risk of freezing embryos with a sperm donor, it seems like was, well, if I do meet somebody in the next couple of years, like are they going to want to have a biological child or not? But to me, like it felt worth the risk. I had saved money for fertility treatment And it just seems like okay, i will feel at peace knowing that I will be able to get pregnant if I want it 32, if I want it 42, if I have frozen embryos, and so that's what I did back in 2018, i think that was.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:And so then the next couple of years after that, we're just honestly spending every single day thinking about like how would I do this as a single mom and getting or establishing my career, getting more secure kind of financially, but spending a lot of time just day to day like, okay, what would this look like if I was a single mom? Like, what would my daily routine look like? What would work look like What? what does all this look like? What kind of house do I need to live in? Like what does it look like if I had a baby with me?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:And so I think that's kind of like the part that there might not be like such an understanding around is, like I said, was just a very planned, very intentional journey for me, that I spent most of my days thinking about what is child care going to cost? Can I do that on my income? Like all the things that I would need to know as a you know, as a person preparing to be a mom. So I did that for a couple of years, just kind of planning and waiting. And then last summer I felt really ready to just move forward. I was turning 35. And that seemed like a good, just like milestone And my fertility specialist then I had moved to Boston she said you know you could use your frozen embryos But if the sperm donor that you used, if there's still donor sperm available, you might want to try to get pregnant with IUI first. And that's just kind of the financially like conservative way of going about things. And so I tried and I got pregnant with Bex last July.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:And here he is. So the first time that you went through IUI, it was successful Yep with my family in Cape Cod.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:When I found out I was pregnant, So I got to share it with them And so that was really fun.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:That's amazing, do you know? I mean, i'm guessing they kind of shared the statistics around that, like what is the likelihood of the first time you go through IUI that you would have a successful pregnancy?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Yeah, definitely, like, don't quote me on it. I think it's like 25%. Yeah, yeah, but I think is maybe a little bit skewed. Is that like? I suspect that most research and like most data, if it's coming out of fertility clinic, based on women who have infertility problems and that wasn't necessarily my situation, that I wasn't going into this after having tried naturally to get pregnant, and there's, you know, different things they do. They can give you medications that increase your chances and stuff.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So you kind of talked about kind of financially preparing and sort of this journey of you know really kind of cognitively thinking about this a lot. How was the emotion around all of this right Like? it just feels like it's filled with lots of different emotions through the last five years. So if I'm a person who kind of says, hey, i want to be a single mother by choice, what are some emotions that I could expect to experience in this journey?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:For me it was a lot of excitement, like bursting at the seams, excitement that I had like discovered this about myself and that I was going to pursue this, and really empowered, and I just remember her like, yeah, bursting at the seams and just wanting to tell everybody.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:But it's not like a thing that, like a lot of people, you know people are going to give you funny looks when you tell them that you want to go knock yourself up and have a baby, and especially when you have, like recently gotten out of a relationship you know. So like my own, and initial reactions were just excitement and like I couldn't stop reading, i couldn't talk to enough people to learn more about it and feeling really empowered. But then there was some like dealing with the reactions of the people that I shared that I was thinking this about, which overall it's been really positive. But, you know, like telling my parents like it was a surprise to them and they have been incredibly supportive. But, yeah, i think it's a different reaction than like a person would traditionally expect when they're telling their parents like I'm in a plan to have a baby because I had to watch them just come around to the idea I would imagine most folks.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:Their responses are kind of rooted in fear. Right That they're like, well, don't you want to just wait and maybe I'll meet someone? or how are you going to be able to take care of the baby by yourself? And don't you think it'd be better if you, you know, if Bex had a dad? like I just think those things are all rooted in fear and or these messages of what is, quote normal in our society is how do you sort of I don't know, maybe I shouldn't say this, but like, how do you not just like hear people ask those questions or have kind of those judgments, that where we know where they're coming from, but not just one of, just like Pokemon, the eye?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:I think my way of dealing with it was probably overthinking how I was going to answer and over preparing for like, well, i've already thought of that, i've already planned for that. It was like you're not going to beat me to thinking about how I'm going to afford daycare and how I'm going to survive the sleep deprivation during the newborn phase, and like I'm going to tell you how I'm going to do that, because I have already thought of that before you had a chance to think of that. And so the things that you mentioned were kind of the big questions of like, yeah, how are you going to pay for that? fertility treatment is incredibly expensive. And so it was like, well, i actually already, i already did like I saved the money, i paid for it And I found out how much childcare costs at this place And I'm already so those things.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:That was just like I very rarely got asked a question that I hadn't thought through myself. I think that's kind of like how I dealt with it. And then also, like you said, understanding that like the questions that might seem a little that I could get offended by, knowing that they were coming from a place of fear or a place of concern, like I think when my like immediate family, like you don't want to see things be hard for your family members, and so I think that that's what they thought, i was like, oh, if this is hard for two people to do it, how are you going to do that by yourself? Like that, that's going to be really hard for you And I don't want to see you struggle is like kind of recognizing that that's worth. Some of their questions and concerns were coming from.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So I want to go back to sort of your. I love your admission and vulnerability about the support group being. Like you know, my idea of what the support group was going to be like. It was very different than the reality. I mean, it's just such a good experience for people to hear that these sort of support groups may actually be much more supportive. If you can, i mean, you're going to go in already with your bias, right, but when you can allow yourself to be open to that, it sounds like it was just an incredible support for you for a long period of time, not just like, Hey, a couple of months I went and this was a long period of support for you.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:There Yeah, there was one of the other moms. She was a nurse, midwife, and so she was extremely knowledgeable about, like when I was going through fertility treatment and, you know, really supportive, and like even I still am part of their Facebook group and read their threads regularly because, like somebody posted the other day about talking to their two year old, who's asking questions about where their daddy is, and so, like, i'm incredibly grateful and just like indebted to that group of women who educated me and shifted my preconceptions about about what this group of people would be like. So I love that.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So as you think about, as Bex gets older, what is the strategy or the plan, like you kind of mentioned, that one of the people in the group, their child, is asking Where's daddy or what's the deal with daddy, you know what are the other women talking about And what's kind of your plan As Bex gets older and says Hey, wait a minute, there's only one parent here And at preschool people have other parents.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Yeah, it's funny because, like, even like you know, i sing to Bex and think about, like the daddy finger stuff And I'm like, do we sing about daddy? Like I don't have a daddy? Yeah, so what I've heard other moms say is like some of the language they use with their young children is, you know, every family looks different. Some families have two mommies, some families have two daddies, where a mom and kids family and our family has a mommy and Bex and a dog and his grandparent, you know, and all of the people that are that make up our family, and I want to talk about it with him, like as early as I can, even before he doesn't fully understand it. Like I said this one mom, she was saying that her two year old was asking And so she said she wasn't prepared for her two year old to be asking where's my daddy, and so, yeah, i just want to talk about it as early as possible.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:I have a couple of, like children's books that talk about a mom who, you know, wants nothing more than a baby and she goes, you know, and finds a house and she works really hard and she saves money and she goes to the Bank of Hopes and Dreams and she finds a nice man who's a donor And I feel like so grateful, like I feel grateful and kind of protective of the donor, like I feel like he just gave us this gift that I'm so incredibly grateful for And that's kind of how I want to talk about him with Bex as he gets older. When I was choosing your donor, or sometimes my, i've had people be like like show me their picture And I feel very protective, like to protect his identity, and I've shown pictures to my close family members and close friends, but I'm not going to like pass it around And like I just feel very grateful for this gift that this person you know the stranger gave to us. And I did choose to go with an open donor. So you can choose an open donor where, when the child gets to be 18, they can contact the sperm bank and find out the identity of the donor, or you have the option of choosing a closed donor, and so I chose an open donor And so if that's something that Bex wants to pursue as an adult, like that's something that is an option for him.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:The reason I chose this donor was like first of all, i looked. I wanted somebody with similar features as me. My child looked as much like me as possible to avoid questions of like, oh, do you look like your mommy or your daddy? Like, try to make it as as much as possible that he looks like me, and I looked at like family health history and things like that. But the donors also like, do some like written responses to questions about themselves, and I felt like this person, who was probably a college student, like just doing this for a little bit of extra money. I felt like his responses were very thoughtful and he said something along the lines of I really just want to help another person And this is a way that I can do this, and if there's the opportunity to meet you and your child in the future, that's something that he at that time had expressed interest in.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So, ok, you've already kind of talked about some of the processes where it sounds like there are step after step after step after step after step. When you kind of first started talking you're like, well, it's been like five years And I'm like, oh my gosh, i don't think I've had something in my mind for five years, like ever. And as you're talking, it is making more and more sense that each of these steps you want to be really deliberate. It sounds, at least for you, you were really deliberate and really intentional with each step. But were there any steps along the way that you're like this is just more complicated than I'm up for? Or maybe you didn't get to that point because you were like this was your deepest desire for such a long time, but maybe what was the hardest step?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Yeah, to be honest, i really didn't have any doubts or hesitation until recently, until after he got here, and not regrets or anything like that. But it's really surprised me. Some of the thoughts that I've had And I think part of that is being on this postpartum roller coaster is that your body does crazy things and it makes you just very emotional. So I think probably a lot of new mothers have moments of just doubting themselves And am I a good enough mom for him?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:It was surprising to me that I was having those thoughts because I never had them while I was preparing for him to get here, and around six weeks postpartum it was approaching Mother's Day And for some reason, mother's Day was very triggering to me. Somebody should be planning this for me, and my family was wonderful and did plan a wonderful Mother's Day, but that's a dad's job, and have I done him a disservice by not having a dad? And are we a divided family And am I putting him into a situation that is an ideal for him? Are some of the thoughts that I've had postpartum, and so I've just tried to rely a lot on my support system for getting through those moments of self-doubt, and I think Father's Day will be kind of like its own challenge too, but, i think, reminding myself of the wonderful family that Bex has.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:So I am so grateful you shared that, because I can see this well one the side of you, but also this side of probably lots of mothers going through this journey of leading up to this. It sounds like there were lots of logical decisions to be made. There were lots of logistical pieces where you look at the data and you look at what are my options, And then I make a logical decision And then you have a baby and your emotions are totally haywire. It sort of makes sense to me that once you're a lot more emotional than you start to have some of these additional thoughts rolling around. And I wonder too it sounds like your support system was really great and not sharing. I told you so, but if there are folks who are like, oh man, my support system would be just ready to be rubbing it in my face, this may be a good encouragement to have open conversation with your support system, even before baby comes, to say, look, there might be a chance that somewhere down the road I'm going to question my decision And what I need you to do is to remind me that I made a good decision. I just can't imagine those things not coming up.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:And then you know, if you're in this place of self-doubt and your support system is like well, yeah, probably made a bad decision there, sis. You're like never mind, i hate you, goodbye, time to hit a new support system, right? Yeah, it sounds like it was. It worked out really well. And you know, as a psychologist I at least find in my own life when I have things that happen to me And I kind of know their origin because I'm a psychologist And then I still can't quite like fix it in my own head, you know where I have these intrusive thoughts and I'm like ah, i know what I'm supposed to do, but I can't get myself to stop thinking that, like, how was that for you? as a psychologist, do you have kind of that same thing happen to you when you?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:I think I was maybe like being a psychologist, like a little bit more equipped to know like what's kind of normal baby blues versus like when is this like crossing into this is becoming a bit more like intrusive and pervasive. And so, yeah, i mean I was, i was open with my you know, close family members about when I was starting to like experience some like postpartum depression and stuff, and I think there are times that they're like oh well, that's kind of normal And just knowing kind of like well, i actually think I probably should like call my doctor about this because I think a little bit beyond kind of what's normal.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:Yeah, i'm so glad you suggest it coming. I'm glad you were here And I mean sharing this part of your story. I know for you is like well, it's just my life And I'm just coming on talking about my life. But I feel really confident that there are folks listening who, even if this isn't the life they choose for themselves, that they can see the life that women like you choose in a different way now And hopefully that is enlightening for folks. So is there any last thing you want to share before we sign off? Maybe some resources for folks who might want to kind of learn more, or just anything you wanted to share.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:I think, like I also just like want to acknowledge I realized that, like I'm in a privileged position to be able to do this and pursue this route, like a lot of women may not be able to, like, may not have a job where they I mean, it's extremely expensive to go through fertility treatment And or, you know, some women wait until they're a little bit older and come to this realization, and then it may be too late, like to get pregnant.
Dr. Sarah Connolly:So, like I think, just kind of like I don't want to be like flippant about that of like oh, everybody should do this. Like because not everybody can and that's not fair. So, you know, that's kind of like one thought that I've had And then, like I wish that people just felt more comfortable asking kind of questions about where did Bex come from? Like you know, beth and I were talking right before this and she said she saw my posts on Facebook and thought like how did that happen? Yeah, and I I'm extremely happy to share about it. Like I would rather people ask me than just make assumptions or feel like it's taboo to ask about where he came from, because I'm, you know, happy and open to share about our journey and our experience.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:Yeah, I mean, I remember thinking gosh, I haven't talked to her in a while, but how'd that happen?
Dr. Sarah Connolly:Right And I shared with, like my parents, like you know, nobody really asked me. Like when I shared that I was expecting, like nobody really asked me the details, And my parents were like, Oh, people asked us, And so it's like people clearly have questions about it And I just wish that they felt comfortable asking me about it.
Dr. Beth Trammell, PhD, HSPP:Well, now they will. We've opened that door for sure. And look, bex has been so good this whole time. He's just chilling. I love this. I am so glad you came, i'm so glad you shared, and we're going to find other things that you and I are going to talk about together, because your work, your life, it's just amazing, and I know how incredible you are, and so I'm just grateful you came, and I can't wait for whatever we plan to kind of chat about next, and so if folks have questions or comments I would like to share, would love to hear from you, and I'll link to maybe some of the resources that you share in Single Mother by Choice, so that if there are folks who are listening and they want to learn more they certainly can't, so I'll link those in the description. And so Bex is sleeping beautifully, so I'm going to let him carry on with the rest of his nap. And, yeah, thanks for joining and thanks for listening.
