Check out this CROSSOVER episode with Kids These Days!
Ever wondered how to teach your child about friendships? Can you imagine a world where children navigate relationships with grace and ease? Discover some insight in our enlightening chat with Leslie Bolser, Curriculum Director for Core Central Values. Drawing from her wealth of knowledge, she takes us on a journey of friendships from the early years to the tumultuous teenage era. We explore the significance of enabling our younger kids to articulate care in their relationships and providing scripts for interacting with their pals. For parents navigating the complexities of childhood friendships, especially those with neurologically or developmentally delayed children, this conversation is a treasure trove of invaluable insights.
Fasten your seatbelts as we also venture into the often-misunderstood realm of teenage friendships. Leslie shares her expertise on guiding teens through expressing care for their peers, managing scenarios where their choice of friends might not align with ours, and fostering positive influences. We also discuss the ever-evolving role of technology in friendships, particularly as a means for teenagers to express their relationships. This episode is an essential guide for any parent or guardian seeking to teach and model healthy friendships to children from early childhood through their teenage years. With Leslie's guidance, we learn that friendship isn't automatic but an intricate process that requires understanding, patience, and the right tools. So tune in, and let's make friendship a priority.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
If you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6
www.bethtrammell.com
Check out this CROSSOVER episode with Kids These Days!
Ever wondered how to teach your child about friendships? Can you imagine a world where children navigate relationships with grace and ease? Discover some insight in our enlightening chat with Leslie Bolser, Curriculum Director for Core Central Values. Drawing from her wealth of knowledge, she takes us on a journey of friendships from the early years to the tumultuous teenage era. We explore the significance of enabling our younger kids to articulate care in their relationships and providing scripts for interacting with their pals. For parents navigating the complexities of childhood friendships, especially those with neurologically or developmentally delayed children, this conversation is a treasure trove of invaluable insights.
Fasten your seatbelts as we also venture into the often-misunderstood realm of teenage friendships. Leslie shares her expertise on guiding teens through expressing care for their peers, managing scenarios where their choice of friends might not align with ours, and fostering positive influences. We also discuss the ever-evolving role of technology in friendships, particularly as a means for teenagers to express their relationships. This episode is an essential guide for any parent or guardian seeking to teach and model healthy friendships to children from early childhood through their teenage years. With Leslie's guidance, we learn that friendship isn't automatic but an intricate process that requires understanding, patience, and the right tools. So tune in, and let's make friendship a priority.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
If you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6
www.bethtrammell.com
Hey listener, welcome back. I'm your host, dr Beth Tramel, and this is Kids these Days. I am excited because here we are, another month, another episode with my friends from Core Central Values. So each month, the first episode of Kids these Days will be in collaboration with my friends at Core Central Values. And so this month we're talking about friendship, and I'm really excited for you to hear this episode with my friend, leslie Bolzer, because we think friendship is just oh, you know, easy peasy. I have friends, my kids have friends. Like why do we have to talk about it? But what you're going to hear in this episode is that there is a lot of ways that we as parents need to think about friendship. So each month we'll have this Core Central episode here on Kids these Days as sort of cross posting. So I hope you enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2:All right, welcome back everybody. It is the start of September and it is a very exciting time. We're kind of getting back in the swing of school and we are getting ready to talk about a new word this month. So welcome back. My name is Leslie Bolzer and I am the Curriculum Director for Core Central Values. We are primarily a company that works with schools, pre-k through 12th grade, to talk about a word each month and how it matters in the lives of students at school and at home and in their relationships. And this word this month is super, super perfect for me to talk to my friend, dr Beth Tramell, who's going to introduce herself now, and then we're going to jump right in because we have so much to talk about.
Speaker 1:I know we kind of always do. Every time we think about it we're like, oh yeah, we got to talk about that. Oh boy, we're not going to learn about that. Hey, everyone, I am Dr Beth Tramell, a licensed psychologist and an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University East. We're also the director of the Master of Mental Health Counseling Program and I really love all things words and that's how we got connected. That's why we stay connected. We always come together each month with these words and I love it. Yeah, and this word is big. I mean it doesn't feel big, Leslie, Like it doesn't feel like it should be big, but we could talk for probably hours, Like I could do like a whole day workshop on this word.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you should, actually, it's a really good idea. And so here's the deal. The word is friendship that we're talking about, and our sort of definition or application this month is using your words and actions to show others you care. So we're going to talk about it in both ways in words and in actions.
Speaker 2:But before we get to that, I want to admit that several years ago, when this was a part of our cycle, previously, we talk about the same words about every three years, and I may have said this even before when we talked about this word, but I didn't love this word as a part of our scope and sequence because, you know, we talk about words like kindness and honesty and honor, and this just didn't feel like the same kind of word. It didn't feel like it fit. But the more I've talked to schools, the more I've interacted with students, the more I realized it might be one of the more important ones that we talk about in terms of how the other words we use culminate into what relationships look like. So, yeah, so we're going to talk about friendship Super, super complicated, super, super important. Anything you want to highlight on that before we jump into the words part of it.
Speaker 1:Most people, when you hear the word relationship, people are like, oh man, you know, all of us have our history of relationships. We have complicated ones, we have, you know, easy ones we have. So if I said the word relationship, people would be like, oh man, that's a big topic, yeah. And friendships are just a special type of relationship that isn't, you know, romantic, and so friendships are equally as complicated. I just don't think we have that same perception. So I don't want people to be afraid of the word friendship or the active friendship or teaching about friendship, but I do think we have to realize that teaching and modeling friendship well needs to stay a priority for us as parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not automatic, right. It's not a guarantee that we will have good friendships or be a good friend. It's not quite as natural, maybe, as we think it is, that those building blocks aren't there. Or if our kids are maybe differently able or have some neurological or some developmental disorders delays, this could make things even more complicated. On top of development, child development, hormones, everything else that's going on in their lives. It's just a really complicated topic, so let's try to break it down to as simply as we can to start off. So let's start with our younger students, our younger children, and let's talk about the part of the definition that says using your words to show others you care. Let's talk a little bit about words.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love to start with words all the time, but, yeah, so think for your littles, right? So if you have a parent who, or if you're a parent and kid is in preschool, or even like early elementary, like our preschool K-1 tours, realize that their words are often your words. And so the number of times I step into preschool classrooms and I think to myself, huh, you must have heard that somewhere. Yeah, yeah, sometimes for the best and sometimes not for the best, and so I think it's realizing first, what do we want our little ones to be saying to their friends, right? So I talk all the time about giving children scripts. So you have to give them actually the words.
Speaker 1:So greetings are a great place to start.
Speaker 1:You know, when you're dropping your child off at preschool, if you're having a play date, give them an appropriate script for a greeting.
Speaker 1:So when you show up, say hi to your friend, you may need to give them a script on how to ask another child what their name is. Focusing on giving scripts around greetings and understanding their name are very simple, straightforward ways that you can start to do that and then, as your child gets better at that, start to expand. What are the social skills I see my child using currently right, so what are the words they use currently? And then start to again expand from there by using scripts. So if it's about sharing, there is always every preschool classroom has issues around friendship and sharing, and so you might give your child a script around how they can be caring, in their words, aka be a good friend around sharing. So I usually would say you know, think about specific scenarios for our little ones and then come up with a script and then have them practice with you. So play a game with them at home or play with them, you know, have a structured play date with somebody where you can practice some of those words in action.
Speaker 2:That's great. So as they get older, as they go farther through elementary school and middle and high school, words change, words have meaning and we get some new vocabulary words as we get older, right? So how might you talk to parents of older kids about using words to show a friend that you care?
Speaker 1:Again.
Speaker 1:Ironically, as our kids move into, especially like being teenagers, they still need some scripts. Actually, it's not that much different. Our elementary age kids are very concrete. They're they're very sort of like black and white thinking, and so if you tell them, say this, they'll usually be able to do it. Their teachers are usually great at giving them like strategies they need. They need strategy focused things in elementary school.
Speaker 1:But once we get to teenagers, a couple of things emerge for friendship.
Speaker 1:One is the use of sarcasm.
Speaker 1:Sarcastic words can be great in some friendships and can also be really detrimental in others, and so if you've got a child who uses sarcasm a lot, if you are a person who uses sarcasm a lot I'm I'm very sarcastic in many ways, particularly with my own teenagers, but realize that those words can be dangerous to some people, and so some friendships are not going to be able to tolerate sarcasm as well as others, and so sometimes you have to call your teenager out on using sarcasm too much.
Speaker 1:Talk to them about it being kind of a defense mechanism to maybe what they're feeling underneath. The second thing that emerges is online communication, right, and so we have to really be paying attention to how their friendships, particularly the words they're using online through text, through snap, through other social media outlets. How are their words impacting their friendships? And so I have this thing with one of my teenagers that they tend to be really like. You know, mom, how does this sound? And so I'll get all of these like random text messages that I'm like is this for me or is this like a proofread thing that you want me to do?
Speaker 1:You know, where they're like you know, does this sound right, does this sound like what I should be saying? And so you kind of start kind of an agreement with your teenagers on how does this sound? Or hey, why don't you say it to me? Tell me what you think you're gonna say, and then I'll tell you how it kind of feels, I'll tell you how it reads, I'll tell you how it kind of like, how that other person might interpret it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, funny, I do that with my daughters as well. That's really, that's funny, yeah, yeah. So let's move, let's back up, let's go back to younger kids and talk a little bit about actions. I think this could be confusing, like what I don't even know what it could mean in some ways to have actions that show someone you care, right, like it's not always just dropping off cookies at somebody's house or something like that. What are some other ways, some concrete ways that we can use actions or help our children use actions to show someone they care, yeah so for our little ones, our preschoolers, it's usually through play, right.
Speaker 1:So some of that is where we're just kind of sitting together and we're playing next to one another. We're sort of tolerating each other in our space. It may be that I am contributing to your play Again that issue of sharing in particular so I'm letting you play with some of my blocks, I'm letting you play with my favorite blocks. A lot of what happens at this age socially is just like learning social rules, but also like tolerating people in my space. We learn really early on that. The part of the actions part, I think, for me is I keep saying this word like tolerating other people in your space. But that's at this age just really what needs to happen and that is showing through actions that you care about other people by letting them sit next to you and play with your toys, when really at that age like I'd much rather just play with the toys all by myself.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, you can go over there. Right, you can put another area, exactly. So what about when they get a little bit older? It's especially for teenagers and older upper elementary even. It can be really awkward when you tell your kid like you need to do something nice for your friend. So I don't know, like, what exactly are some things that you might suggest?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's in particularly for teenagers, and not just what you're doing. It may be in what you're not doing Right, so it's sort of your action or your inaction. For our teenager. Showing someone that you care would be not engaging in the gossip that's happening, but instead doing some upstanding right where you're like, hey, that's not okay, you can't talk about that person in that way. Sometimes caring about the other person happens without them even realizing it. Yeah, I may not realize it right away, it's standing up for them and in fact, I think some of our teenagers would say some of the most powerful moments in friendships have happened when they weren't around.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, so realizing oh a friend stood up for me, or, oh, realizing, this friend did or said this to or for me when I wasn't even there. So that's an important thing too, to realize.
Speaker 2:I was thinking about. Like I know there's a nonprofit that's called, I think, Start With Hello. That does a little bit of what you were describing before helping kids know how to say hello and to start a conversation with someone they don't know. I think it's a really cool concept to think about that idea of scripting, but I'm wondering about almost scripting with actions as well. So things like making eye contact and offering a smile, being able to notice when someone is uncomfortable or having a bad day, or maybe they just got called on by the teacher and they didn't know the answer and they're feeling kind of bad, offering sort of silent encouragement to people, I don't know. I think that could go a long way and maybe not be as hard for teenagers as maybe a verbal affirmation might be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love this. I mean I think you know if our teenagers can notice that's. You know part of what you're describing to right. You're kind of noticing and feeling what other people are feeling, or you're just paying attention to how other people may be, kind of living in the world and then, whether it's later and you send a text to say, hey, I saw that you were struggling in math, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Or hey, you know, I just wanted to say hello. I know that it was maybe a hard day or whatever.
Speaker 1:I think this generation has additional outlets for that. You know, like through texting or snap or things like that, that you and I didn't necessarily have. You know, when I went home and I thought about a friend at, you know, later that night I didn't really have I could have called them if I had their home phone number, you know, but we didn't have an avenue to share that part of friendship with them. I love what you're saying like giving our teenagers you know the specific ways that they could, they could reach out. I think is brilliant.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for the next three and a half hours we're going to go over this next little bit, topic of friendship. Oh my gosh, you can prepare for your, for your all day workshop. No, we're going to try to keep it as brief as possible, but really I do want to talk about a parent-child relationship as it relates to friendship. For example, what if my child wants to make friends with someone that I don't really approve of either, because of what I know about them, what I've heard about them, what I've seen as an adult that maybe my kid can't see? Or what about the other way around, if I think that there's someone really good in their life that I wish that they would spend a little more time with, but they're, like, not at all interested? How do you navigate the parent-child relationship as you're trying to teach friendships?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, this very issue has come up, you know, with my own teenagers on both sides, and the reality is, as our kids get older, our influence continues to be so critical. But it is a very tight rope, right? Because to teenagers especially their peers, kind of what their peers think of them matters a lot, and so it's going to come crashing up against what we are saying to our kids, right? And so there's always this tight rope that we're walking as our kids get older, where we still have to, you know, try to assert some influence over them, while also recognizing that peers and peers' perception of them matters a lot. And so, to that end, if we're really pushing and we're saying you have to stay away from so and so, or I don't really want you hanging out with so and so, they may be very likely to want to spend lots of time with so and so.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, Just for sheer. You know, this is just what happens for teenagers.
Speaker 1:And it's developmentally appropriate. They're not trying to be a jerk Like. This is what teens do, right? That being said, I think there could be ways that we could say, hey, this is what I'm comfortable with and here's what I'm not.
Speaker 1:And if you are willing to say, this is the list of things that could happen to make me feel better about this friendship, right? So, for example, if they would stop calling you names on social media, if they would stop stabbing you in the back, if they would start showing you respect online, if they came over to our house and greeted me and spent time with me, so I could get to know them, like, I'm open to getting to know your friend or this person that you want to become friends with, but here's my honest sort of where I am. So I think if you're having some open conversation about that with your teenager, that's better than just saying I don't like that family, I don't like those people, you can't be around that person. Yeah, no, get out. And again, on the other side of that, forcing them to be around someone else is not going to go well either.
Speaker 2:No, you know, I think that that's really tricky right when you see something in someone else that you think might be a really good fit for them or a good match for them and you want to sort of encourage that friendship, like you're saying, developmentally you might have the opposite, the opposite result, and then also you could put that other kid in a bad situation if your kid isn't open to that friendship, and then you know you're kind of letting them down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if there's a place for parents to kind of start and their like reflection on all of this stuff, it is how am I modeling friendship so my kids can see what I want them to do or be as a friend?
Speaker 1:Yeah absolutely Because if I'm not having explicit conversation, they have to be able to see it. So are you having friends over? Are they getting to see you having conversation with those people Like? Are they seeing the conflict you're having with friends and how you resolve it? Are they seeing how you use your words in actions? Am I talking about that around this realm of friendship Like this is what friends do we bring gifts to one another at Christmas time. Or this is what friends do they bring you a card when you're sick. How are you using the word friends in your own vocabulary so that your kids can like start to make that connection?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's great and you know we talk about that a lot you offer. Modeling, especially with young kids, is a great way to learn and I think sometimes it is fan. It's always good for younger kids. I think sometimes for older kids when we talk about modeling, I don't know that they would pay attention to some of the like things that we think we're doing intentionally, but I do think they pay attention to our friendships. I absolutely do think they're watching how we navigate relationships, because they're really maybe not even willing to talk about or ready to talk about their insecurities and relationships yet. So they're really paying attention to those because it's like so, so important to them to get relationships right. So, yeah, I think that's a really really great suggestion is to just be and really think about our relationships as that mirror for our kids as well.
Speaker 1:And I think sometimes we have to kind of take a hard look in the mirror about our own friendships, you know. I mean, I think about the moms or parents out there that are like I don't ever see my own friends I'm always just so busy with the kids that I don't get to see my own friends and I think about what that means. Right, like you're in a friendship drought and what your children are seeing is that friendship doesn't matter to you, right, even though it probably does. Right, listeners are probably like oh yeah, I love my friends, I could call them up and it'd be great, but the message you're sending your children, the message you're modeling, is that you don't, friendships aren't so important, you don't need to make time for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ooh, that's convicting, even for me, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, for sure. And you know, I think, just like our kids can confuse online relationships for real, deep and personal friendships, I think we can too. Ours may look a little bit different than theirs, but you know you're keeping up with people from a distance online is wonderful. That's a really great use of media. But those folks from high school that live five states away can't pick you up from your dentist appointment when you're not allowed to drive after. You know what I mean. Yeah, you gotta have those folks too. So building relationships that are folks who will be there when you need them and that you can be there for them when they need you, is really important. It's so important for your kids to see that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, and there's so many more things there's so many more things.
Speaker 2:We can talk forever. This is good, really good. Well, we will all all of us listener plus me we will all be there when you have your workshop, for all the workshops, all the workshops. We'll be there for that. So, hey, thank you so, so, so much for joining us again this month. If folks want to get ahold of you, how might they do that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would love for them to find my website. It's makewordsmatterforgoodcom or bethtramelcom 2M's 2L's for that, and I have two other podcasts. You can find them there. Things you learn in therapy, and kids these days need us to make Words Matter for Good. So they can find me on other podcasting as well.
Speaker 2:Excellent. If you want to know more about core essentials, you can find us on social media at CEVALUES or at our website, coreessentialsorg, and we'll be back next month with another word and another great conversation like this. So so thanks for tuning in, yeah.
Speaker 1:Glad to see you. Glad to see you this month and I look forward to next month, for all the listeners as well.