Have you ever found yourself at a loss, trying to navigate your child's emotional outbursts or unexpected behaviors? This episode is a heartfelt journey into the power of our emotional responses and their profound effects on shaping a child's character. Drawing from personal experiences and the wisdom gleaned from my website, Make Words Matter for Good.com, I share how authentic expressions of pride and disappointment can be more influential than any punishment. We discuss the subtle yet impactful ways that acknowledging a child's positive traits can foster responsibility and kindness, as well as how to handle those moments when they make choices that leave us less than proud.
As we peel back the layers of communication between parents and children, I highlight why regular, heartfelt discussions about feelings are key to nurturing emotional intelligence and strengthening family bonds. My book and series of eBooks serve as your guide through these sometimes challenging conversations, offering practical advice to ensure your words resonate with purpose and positivity. By the end of our conversation, you'll have a treasure trove of strategies for connecting with your child and helping them develop into self-aware, empathetic individuals who understand the weight of their words and actions.
Hey everyone, welcome back to our next episode of Kids. These Days and today, I want to talk about a couple of relationship tools that I use a lot with my kids and have used a lot in my work with kids in the therapy room. It really is a focus on using our emotions to help our kids understand how their behavior impacts other people. So often our first go-to, when our kids are not doing what we want them to do, is to punish them in some way. Right, we take away their phone. We take away their the practice that they've been looking forward to all all week. Right, we say you can't go to basketball practice because you didn't turn in your homework the way you were supposed to, or whatever we do. Right, most of us, our go-to is to punish in that way, to take something away. What I want for us to think about today is using two really powerful emotions to help our kids understand how their behavior impacts other people. Now, I don't want for you to think about this as using our emotions to manipulate other people. That is different than what I want for us to be talking about here. So, if you are using emotions to manipulate other people, whether that's your friend, your spouse or your kids. That's actually not a healthy way of interacting with people. But when I talk about using our emotions, for instance, when we feel really proud of our kids, sharing that level of pride with our kids is going to be so powerful to motivate them to continue to do what we just said. We were proud of them for doing so.
Speaker 1:
Earlier today, I made a post on my Facebook page, mwm with kids. If you're not there, would love for you to join me there. I made a post about sharing three specific things about your kids that you are proud of and talking with them about it using the words I am proud of you, because it's really important that they start to understand I'm proud of you, and what I want to kind of expand on is I want for us to share more about what we're proud of, who our kids are and what they're doing. So let me give you an example so you might share with your son that you are really proud that he has been showing so many more traits of being more responsible, that you love, that he's showing kindness right, that he is just becoming such a reliable person for you. Those are all more traits that are within your child.
Speaker 1:
I also want you to talk about being proud of their behavior, right? Sometimes behaving well is really hard for our kids, and so it's fair for us to say to them I am really proud that you have had your mask on all day at school. I'm really proud that your teacher is saying you are doing a good job in class. I am so proud of you for how you did not retaliate against your brother in that moment. Oh, that's a good one, right? In fact, I think I've maybe have said that exact thing, like when they are practicing self control and you notice it. Oh my gosh. It's so important that you point out that you noticed it and then use the words I'm proud of you for.
Speaker 1:
Now, the other emotion. Aside from pride, that is helpful as we're trying to help our kids understand how their behavior impacts other people around them the other emotion I want you to talk about is disappointment. Now, I actually often encourage folks to use this emotion and this relationship tool even above and beyond taking things away from our kids, sometimes saying gosh, I'm just disappointed that that was a choice that you made. Sometimes that just that statement by itself is more powerful as a motivator to change your child's behavior than taking away their phone. So if you're thinking about how do I talk with my kid, that I don't want them to be doing what I see them doing, you could say I'm disappointed that I saw you were saying kind of not nice things about your friends on social media. I'm disappointed that we've talked before about how I want for you to pick up all your clothes in your room and I went upstairs and I still see him and I'm disappointed that you said you were gonna do it and you were gonna try harder and it doesn't feel like that. I'm disappointed that you hit your brother after he hit you and that's really not better than him hitting you in the first place. Right? See how your kid responds when you use the words I'm proud of you because or I'm disappointed in your behavior today because Now some of your kids may still be like, yep, don't care. I can imagine some of you are at home or in your car and you're thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah, that might work for some kids, but that is not gonna work for my kid. The only thing that motivates them is fill in the blank. That might be true, but it may also be true that this may be an additional tool in your toolbox that will work some of the time.
Speaker 1:
So I want to also say one last thing about if your kid. So let's say you have the conversation with your child about how you're disappointed in them and they have some sort of negative reaction, right, maybe they're like I don't care, or maybe they start to cry, or maybe they show remorse, right, pause in that moment and be with them especially if they're showing signs of remorse or guilt and kind of talk with them a little bit more about it and just say you know, it's okay, I just am. I'm trying to tell you I am a little bit disappointed, but I know you can do better. So how can I help you be better than that? If your child says I don't care, don't necessarily believe them at face value, because sometimes our job as parents is to plant seeds that will grow and good gravy.
Speaker 1:
Let me tell you the number of times I've had kids and particularly tweens and teens on my couch that look their parents in the eye and say I don't care, and then later we're like, oh my gosh, but that really hurt. Or they talk to me about how much they really do care. So if your kid says I don't care, be disappointed. Or if they become disrespectful or defensive, don't necessarily take it at face value just yet. Keep that tool in your toolbox, maybe pause for just a minute. Don't double punish, right? So the point of this conversation is not to double punish them. So if you're saying to them I'm disappointed that you did this or you did that, and then they say I don't care, be disappointed, take a breath before you double punish and say, well, fine, then I'm taking your phone for two weeks. Just take a breath, okay, and say you know what? That makes me sort of upset that you are. You know, it seems like you don't really care, that it matters to me. You gotta get beyond that front that they're often putting up when they're saying I don't care, or maybe they storm off. Sometimes our kids need to get used to this level of vulnerability from us and, frankly, we even need to get used to sharing this level of vulnerability with them. Would love to hear from you. Follow on Facebook MWM with kids.
Speaker 1:
Make Words Matter with Kids. I hope these two emotions are things that you can talk with your kids about more frequently hopefully not every day, but more frequently, until you can start to talk about all of the different emotions that you experience in your relationship with your child so that you can teach them how to experience those emotions with other people. My website is Make Words Matter for Goodcom. You can catch my book there Make Words Matter Straightforward, logical Parenting to Take your Kid from Frustrating to Connecting and Listening. You can also find a series of eBooks short eBooks 18 to 20 pages just filled, filled, filled with tips on how to have hard conversations about various topics. I'd love for you to check those out. They're just $5 and hopefully it will be the best $5 you ever spend. So I hope everyone stays well and be well, thank you.