Hey Listener! I am glad you are here. I've recently had several conversations with parents of teens and so I went back and listened to some episodes on Kids These Days that I could share again here. This was one of my FAVORITE episodes and although we talk about the power of the pandemic, I am finding so much of what Jody shared from this episode to still be true today. I hope you can find some nuggets of truth in your life by listening in to this replay episode from Kids These Days.
Have you ever watched a teenager you care about struggle through the tangled web of relationships during these unprecedented times? That's where we dive in today, with the invaluable guidance of Jody McQuitty, a seasoned licensed clinical social worker. Together, we unpack the heightened challenges teens face amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, from intensifying depression and anxiety to the erosion of deep, meaningful connections. We discuss strategies to foster genuine interactions and offer practical tools for nudging our youth towards healthier conversations that go beyond the surface, fortifying friendships, and reinforcing their sense of self in a world that all-too-often demands conformity.
For parents feeling adrift in a sea of doubt on how to support their teenagers, this episode casts a lifeline. We tackle the pervasive issue of negative self-talk that plagues so many young minds, sharing actionable advice for helping teens separate damaging fiction from their authentic truths. I reflect on my own journey of realizing the power of positive self-talk, not just for our kids, but for ourselves as role models. We provide resources for further support, ensuring you're not alone in this journey to nurture an environment where every stumble is a step towards growth and where open arms await the tales of the day, both triumphant and trying. Join us for a conversation that aims to light the path for parents and teens alike during these complex times.
www.bethtrammell.com
Hey Listener! I am glad you are here. I've recently had several conversations with parents of teens and so I went back and listened to some episodes on Kids These Days that I could share again here. This was one of my FAVORITE episodes and although we talk about the power of the pandemic, I am finding so much of what Jody shared from this episode to still be true today. I hope you can find some nuggets of truth in your life by listening in to this replay episode from Kids These Days.
Have you ever watched a teenager you care about struggle through the tangled web of relationships during these unprecedented times? That's where we dive in today, with the invaluable guidance of Jody McQuitty, a seasoned licensed clinical social worker. Together, we unpack the heightened challenges teens face amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, from intensifying depression and anxiety to the erosion of deep, meaningful connections. We discuss strategies to foster genuine interactions and offer practical tools for nudging our youth towards healthier conversations that go beyond the surface, fortifying friendships, and reinforcing their sense of self in a world that all-too-often demands conformity.
For parents feeling adrift in a sea of doubt on how to support their teenagers, this episode casts a lifeline. We tackle the pervasive issue of negative self-talk that plagues so many young minds, sharing actionable advice for helping teens separate damaging fiction from their authentic truths. I reflect on my own journey of realizing the power of positive self-talk, not just for our kids, but for ourselves as role models. We provide resources for further support, ensuring you're not alone in this journey to nurture an environment where every stumble is a step towards growth and where open arms await the tales of the day, both triumphant and trying. Join us for a conversation that aims to light the path for parents and teens alike during these complex times.
www.bethtrammell.com
We're back again. My name is Dr Beth Tramell and I am a licensed psychologist and work mostly with kids and families, and I am so excited today to be here with my amazing friend and colleague, jodi Mcquitty. And Jodi, I just love you. I'm so happy that you're here. Love you too, girl. So, as before we get started today, I want for you just to give people a little sense of who you are and tell us one thing fun about you.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, like Beth said, my name is Jodi Mcquitty, I'm out of Noblesville, I am a licensed clinical social worker and coming up on close to 20 years getting my master's degree, which sounds so crazy to me. Yeah, yeah, you're not old enough to be there 2001.
Speaker 2:2001 I got it. I spent most of my career about the first six years in child welfare in Chicago and I've been back in Indiana now for about 18 years. Wow, I spent some time working in school systems as a community based therapist and then in a crisis department, and I've had my own practice now for almost seven years.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, yeah, and we met while we were working together in school days, so that feels like it wasn't that long ago, but it was a long time ago. Yes, it was. Yeah, oh my gosh, okay. So tell us something fun about you.
Speaker 2:Something fun about me or maybe interesting, is that I'm a foster parent. Yeah, been a foster parent now for a little over a year, and so I take care of a brother and sister, and they are amazing and just the lights of my life. I love being their mama. Yeah, I'm a foster mama.
Speaker 1:And you are so good at it, which I love too. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not easy. No well, you're an parent. Yeah, even though you're a therapist, it's still not easy being a parent.
Speaker 1:Isn't that so true? I mean, I had, like, I think maybe we've talked about this, but you know, as a psychologist who specializes in working with kids and families and parent training specifically, you know, like when I'd go out in public, I had so much fear that my kids would act a mess and then people would think, oh my gosh, how could she be giving other people advice and she can't even keep her own kids in order when we go out, and I had to like really work my way through that personally because it was making me a bad mom. You know, to them out in public I would just get so stressed when they were doing things that are just normal things, and so I think it's so true that, like, just because we know, as a therapist, the things that should be happening, it's just so much harder when it's your own kids, right, yes, absolutely, even as a foster mom. Right, they're, even though technically they're not your kids, they're still your kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, you're a mom and I beat myself up all the time about whatever I'm doing, or oh, I didn't do that right and I probably should have done this differently. But you know it is what it is, and I think for any parents, we just do what we do is the best thing that we can do in that moment, and we either learn from it as a success or learn from it as oops, that didn't work out so good.
Speaker 1:So I love that. I love it. I keep moving forward. I love that. Yeah, it's just, it's just oops. And what can I do differently? Or do that again, or tweak it a little bit, or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I love that. So when, when we were kind of chatting about getting together to do this, I know you had lots of ideas to talk about and I know you'd be great at talking about all sorts of things based on how's your 20 years of experience. That's so amazing. But what really is standing out to you these days that you want to chat about today?
Speaker 2:Well, I think the complexities of relationships right now and maintaining those relationships during this you know, covid crisis right now is difficult, and I primarily work with a lot of teenagers in my private practice and before this there were struggles, and now things are a lot worse Increase in depression, increase in anxiety, difficulties in maintaining those relationships, because those relationships for our teens are paramount and they're so important and they're all used to being together all the time and there's always something to talk about or something coming up in the togetherness when they're at school, and so now there's more isolation and I have a lot of clients who are really struggling with how do I? Who am I now? Basically, yeah, who am I? I don't know how to connect with my friends. I don't want to connect with my friends because now I feel like I have nothing good to say other than a lot of them are like yeah, I took an app and I watched Netflix and, oh, I stayed up late playing video games, you know all of those kind of things that aren't really of substance, and so, um, really trying to help our teens today maintain those connections and maintaining those connections by having fruitful conversations with their friends.
Speaker 2:So I have a few like topics, some things actually I found on Pinterest that are called. It's called thought-provoking questions that I've been using and encouraging that, asking them first off themselves in their session, but also, you know, questions that they could ask their friends. Yeah, you know, to deepen those friendships and and not have it be so surfacing, whatever club I'm in at school or group that I sit with at lunch, but having you know some of those connections be more fruitful than, um, I don't know, surfacy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can you think of an example of one of those questions that you've used pretty successfully that the the teens kind of seem to like?
Speaker 2:I ask them, uh, one of the ones on here, and I have to explain it to some of them, um, but I asked the word, I asked the question what is your, um, what is your ideal heaven look like, hmm. And so they're like, what heaven? And I'm like, well, thinking about heaven in a sense of where's the place that you feel most comfort? Sure, what feels good to you, what would be a perfect day or place that you've been or that you would want to go that you can kind of pull up from, from memory and um, and. And then I kind of go into the aspect of mindfulness and how, when we're practicing mindfulness and we're paying attention to our surroundings and we're allowing ourselves to just be, you know what kind of things can we bring up for ourselves?
Speaker 2:And so I share an example of, like, I'm someone who loves the ocean and just knowing that, I can pull that up. Those sounds, the smells of sun, tan lotion, the feel of the sun on your skin, um, the sounds of kids laughing and the waves, and um, you know all those kinds of things I can bring that up for myself. Yeah, be like, I know where that's at for me, yeah, and so some of them have been, you know, had to really think about it, and it's been kind of fun for them because they I don't that's not something that, um, teenagers normally think about.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So you kind of ask, I would imagine you ask that question and maybe you get kind of like an initial sort of not so descriptive response from teenagers, right? So maybe they say, well, I just want to be at the beach. And then what you're saying is you kind of like draw out of them like okay, so tell me more descriptively, yeah, what does the beach do for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, like, what does that feel like when you're there? Yeah, so, yeah, just asking more of those questions so that they're they're getting in touch with some of their senses, yeah, and like recall, yeah, I like to do little recordings when I go places, like that of recording the ocean sound, or one time I was on a retreat and I was walking in the woods and I kind of just sat on this big rock and I could really hear lots and lots of things. That was the coolest thing ever to record it and play it back, because you miss some things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes if you're thinking too hard, um, but yeah, I mean it's just you take like a video recording of just your surroundings, or do you like?
Speaker 2:yeah yeah, just using your phone and like, just hitting um, like record on one of the apps and you can just hear the sounds, yeah, or even taking small videos. When you're certain places, um works too, because then you can, you can go back to that place of like. Oh yeah, I remember when I took this video. I remember what it was like that day. I remember how I felt. You know, either mind, body, soul, um types of scenarios.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I love that so much and you know, it's something that I had never really thought about doing. Right like I'm, I'm always thinking about using my phone to capture like a certain thing that the kids are doing, or like I take a picture of the ocean, but I have never I don't think I've ever taken my video camera out of you know, on my phone or whatever, to just record like just the normalcy of the birds chirping or the wind blowing, or just those sounds and the the, just like the atmosphere around me that I could go back to. I think that's such a great idea.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do it outside a lot too, just even in my backyard, um that. You know, I I suggested just some clients to do that of even just sitting outside and like what, what kind of things do you hear and what do you see? And, uh, what do you feel like? Do you feel the wind? Do you feel a bee buzzing around your head? You know, all those little details is is kind of like a grounding and mindful technique, um that that I use. I love that.
Speaker 1:I encourage them to do yes, I totally love that and you know it's so funny because just before we got on today to do this, um, I was outside painting some cabinets which is a whole different podcast for that but um, I was just out there kind of by myself, the kids were in the house and, um, there was this owl that has been out there with me and it's just the like, most subtle, you know, like, and I, I finally it had probably been making that noise for about you know, two or three minutes before I finally was like, oh my gosh, I love that owl, just like hanging out there. And now I sort of wish that he, I would have first recorded it, or maybe I'm going to run back up there and see if that owl is still out there, because that's so fun, that's such a good idea.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And so I know that I originally had had another idea and I think I just went off on a different tangent. But back to back to my original. Thing that I wanted to share as well with the teenagers is, you know, maintaining, maintaining those connections and deepening the connections with their friends and even family when they're all home together, but also the loss of some of the sense of themselves. Oh yes, so yeah, and a lot of work that I do with teenagers is a lot of self esteem work and learning about who they are and who they want to be, not so much of what society tells them they should be or what they should look like or what's true about them, or putting them, you know, in a category, but it's more about looking at who are they and also the the truth of that.
Speaker 2:And so many teenagers struggle, you know, even adults, even grown women, even myself, or men too, and boys, you know. But I, we all kind of struggle with that inner voice of the negative self talk, yeah, and how much we absorb in the negative self talk or what other people have said about us, yeah, or to us, and we take that on and we own it. Sometimes, yeah, when that's not really our truth, but we get stuck in that. But I went to a training several years back with there was a guy his name is Shad Helmstetter and he writes books about being a leader and things of that nature and he talked about how we're all kind of born with this keyboard and it's an empty computer and we have this keyboard and everything someone says to us kind of gets typed into the keyboard Like oh, that was a bad boy, that goes in yeah. Oh, you shouldn't do that, or you did that wrong, that goes in yeah. And so everything that people say to us can get really ingrained in our brains like hardwiring of oh I'm bad, or oh, I'm selfish, or oh I'm not good enough, or I'm a bad friend, or I'm a bad girl or a bad boy. And you know, those things get very, very ingrained, yes, and not only from like how we're raised, but also then once we get into school and that's that's a really tough place and that is happening in families and with different dynamics and how they communicate, but also within school.
Speaker 2:And so what I described to you a lot of teens is that my, my perception is an elementary school. Nobody cares what you look like no one cares what shoes you're wearing, what clothes you're wearing If you have, you know, peanut butter and jelly on your face from lunch, or you've been digging outside and you have dirt on your fingernails and your hair is a mess no one cares. No one cares, you know, they're just focused on oh, I want to have friends. You know I want to, I want to have fun, yeah, and then you get into middle school, and middle school it's almost like everyone's senses come alive because they are watching each other like a hawk. You know it's like spidey sense for any flaw someone may have and it inadvertently, a lot of times gets exploited. And the insecurities come and they start to notice what each other's wearing and what their hair looks like and who has the the newest Jordans or what kind of backpack they're they're using. Yes, and so there's so many Examples of how there's like this. You know, spidey since radar on people. Okay, buddy, I so intermission, my child needs to go to the bathroom, so thank you announcing that. Um, and then, once you get to, so the middle school age is like really tough, and Then, depending on where you live, if you have a really big high school, you get in high school and then anything goes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, there's there's still the groups, there's still the, the competition about who's what and doing this and what car they're driving, and those sorts of things, and, and it's a little less. But then when you get to college, it's a free-for-all. Yeah, you don't have to worry anymore. You can go to class near pajamas and a messy bun, no one cares.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but during, like you know, probably even like 11 to 1516 and even older, um, many of my clients get very stuck in the negatives, yes, and the, the, the things that they believe about themselves. So how I address this is I talk about it in the frame of that those negative thoughts, our negative self-talk, our lies, mm-hmm. And then we try to transition into truth, and so I use the term lies or even, and you know interference of the enemy or Satan. You know things that put us in a dark place, things that hold us back from being who we were meant to be, yeah, and what God says about us, yeah, and so In my office I will ask them to kind of purge and and this, this is really effective is being a purging.
Speaker 2:This is really affected with a lot of people with eating disorders, because so much of it is mental health and negative self-talk and Invasion of things, just kind of poisoning our minds in some ways, yeah, and so we do a List that's called lies and we kind of purge all of those out on paper. So I just I give them time, they kind of write out all the things like I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm not worthy, I'll never amount to anything. You know, my teeth are messed up, or you know, whatever it is, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So they just kind of come up, come up with this list and and it's and it's pretty hard, yeah, to Put that out and be vulnerable to share with someone what you're really Really feeling about yourself and what you're believing most importantly believing about yourself yeah. And so then after that I go through each one individually and Kind of process what that looks like for them, yeah, and then comes the hard part, because you know they're believing all these negative things and and I'm then gonna be challenging them To believe something else, yeah, and to come up with something else. So one of the one of the most I Guess one of the best examples that comes up with a lot of teenage girls I work with is I'm ugly, yeah, or I'm fat, yeah, and so I I challenge them to think about the aspect of I am Uh-huh. So when we say I am dumb or I am ugly, we're claiming it. Yeah, that's what I'm about. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm claiming it, and so it almost gives that negative power, yep, you know. And so when we twist it, when we change it to Be more positive, I encourage them to think about too. Like you know, god Says I am, you know, he is, the I am, and that's power. That's power over With truth, and we don't have to give the power to the negative, that kind of switching over to what's the truth. You know, are you, are you really ugly? Are you, are you fat? Are you really dumb, you know? So I asked those questions and like, well, no, I guess not. You know, it's not sure. Because I'm starting asking those questions like, are you really? Yeah, and that's where it starts to get really tough.
Speaker 2:I feel like I've said that a few times, but it does, yeah, yeah, because they have to get real, real about it. Yeah, and so if we take the example of I am ugly, so you can go with scripture, like I'll have a sheet that says, like what you say, and then versus what God says, and then there's like scripture, so that if they are someone who's a Christian or bases a lot of things on scripture and they believe scripture to be truth, then there's no arguing it. Yeah, it just takes it away Like here's concrete evidence what God says you are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful, you are worthy because I made you.
Speaker 2:And so, even if they don't believe it, and that's something like what, why do I write? Why would I write something down that I don't believe? Well, because you're going to start claiming that, yeah, that's your truth. Now, like I am beautiful, yeah, like I am worthy, yeah, you know I am smart, yeah, and so we're. And then we kind of we go through this process, which is usually a few sessions, sure, and it comes up, you know, at various times, but it becomes really tough because we're challenging the parts that have been ingrained in our brains and our thoughts and our feelings about ourselves, and challenging that with what we really want to believe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean, even as you are saying it, it's like I remember working with some teens that would feel like saying I am beautiful. They would feel like that's risky, you know, like fear and comfortable risky to say I'm beautiful, it's almost like. It's almost like as horrible as it is. It feels easier just to say I'm ugly, yeah, yeah. I hate that for us as a society, for us as humans, that it's so much easier to roll off the tongue All of the horribly negative things about ourselves. And then you know the other stuff that has some parts of us, and I think even probably teenagers too, there's some parts of them that know it's better for them to say out loud I'm not ugly, I'm beautiful. But it feels so risky.
Speaker 2:A lot of them will say too, like well, but I don't believe it. So why would I write? Why do you want me to write down something I don't believe? Yeah, or well, doesn't that sound conceited or cocky? If I say that about myself, yeah, and I'm just like no, you go, girl.
Speaker 2:Like you claim that, yeah, if that's what you want to believe about yourself and take the power back from the negative, you can say that all day. It's not like you're going around and going up to people and saying, hi, I'm beautiful, it's more for you, it's more sacred for you to keep that within yourself. Or I mean we generally will then do an art project or encourage them to make something with their I am statements that's the truth that they can put in their rooms and look at morning and night or when they're having a hard time, like, oh, I feel really like my hair is messed up today, and they go to their truth poster or whatever they've made and been like, oh no, like I have awesome hair and I have hair on my head and I'm grateful, yeah.
Speaker 1:So it just depends. I bet it's also just so healing for them to just hear like this is about my inner peace, this is about my inner narrative, and if I can calm the negativity in my inner narrative, I can then begin to differentiate the truth from the lie. Yes, right, I mean. I think that that's what you're saying is both the hardest part. But once they start to get the hang of it, they can really start to differentiate the truth from the lie.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah. And then the thing that I use with younger kids and I've been doing this for years and I've gotten some pretty funny responses before but I won't share because they were really inappropriate. But for some little ones, if my foster son says like oh, I'm just stupid, like oh, I'm so dumb, well I make him. I'm like what do you need to do now? And he's like I have to say two positive things about myself. So every time he says something, he knows what's coming, because we want to cross out and make it equal and then add a positive yeah, so it's overcorrecting the negative thing that they've said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and almost really teaching them. It's really not good to say things out loud that are mean to anyone, including yourself. Yes, I mean, I've had that same talk with my middle school daughter where she, you know, I think we train our kids to be kind to other people and we talk about don't say mean things to your friends and don't say mean things to this or that or this. But then I think sometimes, because I've been guilty of this where I haven't spent as much time making sure she's kind to herself, yeah, so I love that. It's easy to forget. I love that Just kind of like mini intervention that you do, where it's like he says one negative thing and then you make him say two positive things to himself out loud so it again, like you said, kind of crosses out one and then adds a bonus.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, I love that. All right, so one one. The last thing that you want you know what's your, what's your favorite tip for parents to kind of help. You've already given so many practical ideas, but what's one thing that you often say to parents about helping? Helping them help their children or their teens, like, stay true to that identity and who they are?
Speaker 2:I would say mainly that I just encourage them to. That's kind of a hard one because I say a lot of different things depending on the client.
Speaker 1:Is there a theme around the things you say?
Speaker 2:Yes, there is, I would say, a theme. A lot of it is helping them just to remind their child that, no matter what they do, that they're loved, yeah, and that it's okay to make mistakes and that it's safe. It needs, you know, parents need to make it safe for their children, especially teens, to talk about anything they need to talk about or confess whatever they need to, without severe punishment, because that's what stops a lot of our kids from telling the parents the truth. Or or teenagers asking for help Because like, well, if I tell my mom that I was out with my friends and we stopped at someone's house and they drank a beer, then they're not going to let me be friends with that person anymore, even though the kiddo did the right thing and maybe you know they were like, well, no, you shouldn't do that, or they didn't do that themselves and they set a boundary with their friends.
Speaker 2:Then you know, if there's the fear of if I tell my mom or dad this, I'm going to be in trouble, I'm going to lose friends, I'm going to have people that I'm not allowed to hang out with anymore, and so that's that's probably a main thing that I discuss with parents, but also encouraging them my kiddos actually and I encourage them to share these things with their parents, yeah, and for parents to learn from some of that too, because a lot, of, a lot of kids will get their thoughts from their parents, like if they hear the parent like, oh my gosh, I'm so fat, I need to go on a diet, yep, or oh, I just I don't, I don't know. That's the main thing that I that I would hear sometimes if parents are saying, yep, those kind of negative things, so it kind of puts those different ideas into their children's heads and they don't even mean to I know Purposeful thing, it just happens.
Speaker 1:I know it's it's. I think it's so easy to do that. Like I have been super intentional about not ever saying anything about my own body or on my daughter, and in some ways that's probably even just as I'm saying this out loud, I'm having my own therapy session with you I'm not saying anything like not even anything positive. You know so I'm so. I'm so like, what am I trying to say? I'm so cautious that I don't even say positive things about my body, which isn't good either. But, to your point, it's something that just when we feel a certain way about our bodies or the way we do certain things, it's so easy just to slip off the tongue, to say something negative out loud about yourself that your kids just pick up on. Yes, just so easy, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'll like, maybe drop something on the floor and I'll be like, oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot, why did I do that? Dang it. And my foster son? I'll be like, joe, no, you're not an idiot, you just dropped it on the floor and that's okay. Yeah. And he'll tell me oh, you need to say two positive things about yourself. And I'll be like you are absolutely right, yes, I do. And so when you start speaking that language a little bit I mean, I think it's helpful, you know, to the grownups too, of those reminders of the importance for us to do that for ourselves as well.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh this has been so good. I already am like I am like going to go go back and do all these things differently. Okay, so my website for any of our listeners who want to follow along makewordsmatterforgoodcom, and on Facebook MWM Make Words Matter. Mwm with Kids that's where you can find us on Facebook. And for my amazing friend, jody tell us where folks can find you if they're in the indie area and need an awesome team counselor or their own counseling. Give us your, give us all your info.
Speaker 2:Okay, so my website is just noblesvillecounselingcom and I can also receive email at noblesvillecounselinggmailcom, and I also have a Facebook that's Noblesville Counseling Noblesville Counseling Center Center. So I don't. I do a few posts now and then, but, yeah, that's where I can be reached.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Jody, I'm so thankful for you and all of your expertise and everything you shared today. I just know it's going to be so helpful. There were several moments where I just sort of got chills, like just thinking about how powerful this will be for people who are listening. So I'm just so thankful for you.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm so glad to do it. You know, when you, when you just serve somebody who has a helpful heart and you just want to pass along little little tidbits, we all need it. Parent client, therapist, you know kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're all doing it together. Yes, over and over. Oh yeah, all right, my friend, I appreciate you. I will talk with you soon. Okay, okay, bye, bye.