Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep 90: The Impact of Our Words on Children: Rethinking Parental Language
Ever found yourself at your wit's end, labeling your child's less-than-angelic moment with a word like 'brat'? Listen in as we dissect why this seemingly innocuous term should be dropped from our parental language. This episode promises a transformative journey as we unravel the complex tapestry of language and its impact on our little ones. Discover the deep-seated effects of our frustrated outbursts and why they might be doing more harm than you'd think.
We're taking a hard look at how our words shape our children's self-perception and exploring alternative expressions that nurture instead of hinder. By the end of our time together, you'll have a toolkit brimming with strategies to foster those precious connections with your children, while guiding their behavior in a way that's as respectful as it is effective. Join us for an eye-opening conversation that's about to change the dialogue in homes everywhere.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
www.bethtrammell.com
Hey everyone, welcome back to our Kids these Dades podcast. My name is Dr Beth Tramel, I'm a licensed psychologist and I spend a lot of time talking with parents and teachers and caregivers about how to make words matter for good. So I talk a lot about behavioral and communication strategies to really get our kids to do the things we need them to do, but really also connecting with our kids in a way that's meaningful and helpful. And today I want to talk about one specific word that I would love to just eliminate from all of our vocabularies. Really, right, I would like that we would never use this word when we are engaging with kids ever again, actually and that is the word brat. Brat, such a small little word, but often used. I hear it a lot when I'm out in public and whether it's the word brat, or maybe you're a person who uses the word jerk to kind of describe your kid or their behavior, and I want to talk a little bit about how that impacts your kid and other ways that you can communicate what's really going on with your kid to really be a better situation for you in the long run. So I hear this a lot where parents will say, well, I didn't actually call him a brat. I said he was acting like a brat and it's the same thing. Like we can't pretend, like our kids don't hear you're acting like a brat and they don't actually take in I am a brat. And if you don't believe me, try practicing with someone near you and say you know you're acting like a baby and then ask them what did you hear? Over and over again, they will reflect back to you. They'll say I heard you calling me a baby. It's just so the way our brains work. We just eliminate those first parts and we personalize it, because that's just how our brains work, our relationships work. So even if you're saying you're acting like a fill in the blank, I promise you what your kids are hearing is mommy or daddy think I'm a brat. So just pause there and I'm going to give you some new language here. So hold on with me.
Speaker 1:So why do we call our kids a brat? Let's start with that. There's two reasons really why we would call our kids a brat or a jerk or whatever, and the first is that we don't like their behavior at that given moment. Right, they are doing something that we don't want them to do or that we don't like that they are doing, okay? Second is that typically we call our kids a brat when we are frustrated, right? So if you're feeling frustrated and you don't like what your kids are doing, that's usually when things start flying out of our mouths that you're just being a brat, or you're being a baby, or you're just a jerk. Fill in the blank, right? I want for us to do something else instead, because here's why that's a problem.
Speaker 1:Next, it doesn't communicate with your child what's really going on. So remember, I said, when we say you're acting like a brat, what they hear is mom thinks I'm a brat, but that's not actually what's going on, right? What's going on is I don't like what my kid is doing and I'm frustrated. Do you see how those two messages are not at all the same? So it's a real problem when we say you're being a brat, because it doesn't communicate what's really going on in our relationship with our child in that very moment. The second reason it's a problem and this may be a tough thing to hear, and I've had to kind of have some moments with myself where if someone said to me the thing that I said to my kid in that moment, I probably wouldn't respond well either. So think about a moment where someone called you a name. So maybe they said you're being a jerk, or you're being dramatic, or you're being emotional. Often we don't respond well when someone says that to us, and so if we want our kids to respond differently or better, saying they're being a brat is not going to be the way to do that, because none of us respond well when someone calls us a name, and that's really what is happening when we're saying you're being a brat.
Speaker 1:The third reason why it's a problem is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for our kids, which means if we're calling them a brat one or two or 28 times, guess how they're going to continue to behave Right, it's almost like we're speaking that truth to them, even though it's not what we want. So it has this kind of backwards effect that we think, by calling them that they're going to change their behavior. We have this erroneous belief that saying you're being a brat right now you need to do something else, it's actually going to change their behavior, and what it does is the exact opposite. Not to mention that this is a shaming message. Right, that we are calling them a brat, not, hey, I don't like how you're behaving and I want you to change right. That is something that can be really helpful for our kids Because, remember, they're looking to us to teach them how to behave in all the moments of their lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, some of the moments they can generalize oh, okay, well, I'm when I'm at the dentist, I can't jump on the furniture. When I'm at the doctors, I can't jump on the furniture. When I'm at home, I can't jump on the furniture. So we don't have to teach them every single thing in every single moment, but when your kids are not acting appropriately, it may be that they really don't know how to behave in that situation at that specific moment, with those specific variables happening at that time.
Speaker 1:Now, some of you may be rolling your eyes and saying, oh okay, they know what is right and what is wrong. Yes, they do. But don't we also, even as as grown-ups with really great brain development, sometimes do the wrong thing in that moment? Right, there are many times where I've made the wrong choice, even though I knew what the right choice was. So we have to have some grace there for our kids because, one, their brain's not fully developed and, two, they don't have the same level of self-monitoring and self-regulation that we have. So, as you are working to help your kid know how to behave, please know that when we call them a bread, it doesn't do any of the things that we want it to do. So what do we do instead? Okay, so what do we do instead? Instead, we tell them exactly what's happening in the relationship right now.
Speaker 1:So you might start by saying John, I don't like your behavior right now. I am frustrated that I told you yesterday that you can't jump on the couch and now you're jumping on the couch again. I'm frustrated by that. I feel disrespected that you're not listening to what I told you. You could say any of those things and that gives a clearer picture for your kid and what is really going on. Then you have to give them the alternative behavior that you expect.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes we forget that our kids don't always know what all the expectations are of them. So you have to give them the alternative behavior of what you expect them to do. So you say, after you kind of explain how you're feeling, or after you explain what you don't like about their behavior, then you have to tell them what it is you expect. So then you could say something like what I expect is that when I tell you you have to sit on the couch, that you will sit on the couch, that I won't come in and find you jumping on the couch again. So you see how it's kind of a two-part process. The first is to tell them what's going on right, that you don't like their behavior, that you know they can do better, that you're feeling frustrated by it, and then give them the expectations again.
Speaker 1:Now this brings up another point for me that I have to remind myself of and that I often remind parents of that sometimes our expectations are not actually in alignment with what really is appropriate for our kids, right? We can't expect that they are going to behave beautifully all the time, because that's just what kids do, right? They live their lives pushing the limits. They live their lives learning boundaries, by expanding the boundaries of what they can and can't do. And, if we're being real fair here, their life is about play and fun.
Speaker 1:So when you hear your kids jumping on the couch for the 78th time, you have to also realize that jumping on the couch is fun. Okay, so you can share the expectation of it's not okay that you jump on the couch. It's absolutely fine to have that expectation to not jump on the couch, but then you also have to probably give them another alternative behavior that is fun, because sitting on the couch, let me tell you, is not that fun. So, as you're sharing the expectation in that second part, it is my expectation is that you will sit on the couch. And if you want to have fun, how about we do this or that or this, right? We can't just give them an alternative that is not serving the same purpose, right? Because they're jumping on the couch because they want to have fun. So we have to share the expectation about what the couch behavior should look like, but then give an alternative that actually is fun or playful. Or I will engage with you, I will play with you, doing this or that or this after I make dinner, or something like that, right?
Speaker 1:So, hopefully, this has been just a couple of quick tips about how to reshape the way that we talk to our kids about their behavior and please, please, try to catch yourself before you start calling your kid a brat or a jerk or whatever it is. As always, I'd invite you to follow on our website, makewordsmatterforgoodcom, and on Facebook, where I do most of the posting and sharing of different tips and tricks. Facebook is MWM, makewords Matter, mwm with Kids. Okay, until next time, see ya.
