Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
DEBRIEF - Lianna Purjes episode on Neurodivergence in relationships
Tune in for a short de-brief of last week's episode with Lianna Purjes! Also - be sure to check out this week's upcoming episode on Friday with Dr. Alcee!
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Wow, I just re-listened to that episode and there is so much that I took notes on even the second time, oh my goodness. All right, so this season I'm going to try something where I kind of re-listen to the episode with you and then share a little bit of debrief, right? So this is aimed at kind of pulling some additional resources for you, some additional things that I've thought about since, kind of recording the episode but then also just re-listening with you. So I love when Liana was talking about how you know the adjustments that we can make to our environment, and I brought it up that one of the articles that I had recently written in the academic world was around neurodivergence and how the workplace can be more accommodating rather than seeing the. You know the beauty of how, when we think differently and we operate differently, how it can bring so much good to an organization in a workplace. And so I began asking myself, like, what adjustments can I make in the workplace to be more accommodating? And so I am going to spend time really pondering that, and I encourage you, if you're a person who is a supervisor or a person who gets to make decisions, maybe you think about those things too. I love when Liana was talking about relational language and how we hear things, what words we actually hear and kind of how we interpret them and how that often is the key to a lot of our relational issues. And so I even found myself thinking in my own relationships like, oh man, you know, I feel like I'm I'm kind of constantly checking myself, but I'm not sure that I check that same thing with the people that I love. And so I love just the, the kind of pause statement that we can make that says I don't think we're speaking the same language here, you know, like just gives us both a pause to say, hey, we've got to maybe reestablish where we're at here together.
Speaker 1:I love also focusing on intentions, goals and hopes, but I think sometimes it's hard to do that. Goals and hopes, but I think sometimes it's hard to do that. And so I often encourage folks to find like lists of goals or lists of common hopes or lists of common intentions and people, because I think sometimes it takes a minute for us to realize, like, what is my goal here and, frankly, what is my goal right now and how is that changing? Because I do think from time to time our goals change, you know, and so I actually love the work of John and Julie Gottman, and one of the things that they have been, they've kind of disclosed that they do together with one another every morning, which I think is amazing, is they ask themselves and one another what is on your heart and what is on your mind, and it really keeps them in tune with one another and kind of what the key goals are for one another at this moment, what is kind of bothering them, what's something they're worried about. I just love that. I think that's great. So, finding a list, thinking about ways that goals can change, or maybe a simple question to one another every morning, or, if you can't do it every morning, evening or just start weekly, start monthly, you know, whatever that looks like.
Speaker 1:I love the conversation that we had around impulsivity and another thing that I started thinking about that I didn't say on the podcast specific to this issue of impulsivity is I've talked to, um, you know couples who are like, well, yeah, I know that they're impulsive and I know sometimes they say things in the heat of the moment, but if they say it out loud, then it's probably something they've been thinking and so it must be true and um, well, I'm here to tell you I've had thoughts in my mind before, you know, like when I'm emotional, when I'm really angry, when I'm really frustrated, when I'm feeling really isolated, and the thoughts that happen in my mind aren't actually true. Maybe you have too right. Maybe you've had thoughts, like a common thought that I have I hate to admit this, but I've said this before like I'm terrified that my kids are going to be crushed in the middle of the parking lot. Right, I'm like ultra anxious in parking lots because I just am so worried that they're going to get crushed by a car. That's a thought that's happened in my mind that I'm isn't true, right? I mean, I hope it's never true, but it hasn't been true, right? So I just want to help you realize that sometimes we all have thoughts that we don't want to say out loud because they're not true. They're emotionally driven, and emotion is illogical and it causes us to think really extreme things. And so if your partner is impulsive and they say something, and then they say I didn't actually mean that, and you find yourself being like, well, you must have cause, you thought it. We all have thought things that we're grateful that the filter hasn't let through. We're all grateful, okay. So, um, I really appreciated being reminded, when I listened back about that, that the pattern that we encounter in our relationships, right, when it's like, oh my gosh, here we are again, we're in the same kind of rut or we're in the same argument or the same thing, keeps coming up and how, that doesn't mean that we're incompatible, right? It doesn't mean that neither of us are trying. It just means that both of us are kind of creatures of habit and it just is what it is, right, I don't have to think any more about it, I don't have to read any more into it, it's just what it is. Many of our conflicts are unresolvable and many of our conflicts are repetitive, and that's kind of okay.
Speaker 1:The last thing I'm going to talk about here, because I think it's something that I'm still working through, is this question around how I can continue to communicate. Right, because we talked about how it's our responsibility to communicate, how our partner should respond to our varying emotions, right? So how do I want them to respond when I'm sad? How do I want them to respond when I'm embarrassed? How do I want them to respond when I'm feeling isolated or lonely? Right? That is going to shift from time to time, and I think the thing I continue to think about is how much communication is required in that moment, right, and how hard it is. You know, when I'm really deep into an emotion, it's really hard for me to want to communicate clearly and explicitly. You know, I just want to. My tendency is to isolate, and so I want to just like crawl under my covers in bed. You know, and really what you know, I'm sure my partner wants is for me to communicate what would be helpful, and so that's something that I actually wrote down again, like how he should respond to different emotions. I just think it's really tough.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I would love to hear from you what was the favorite part of this episode for you? I shared a few of mine. Next week's episode is going to be on OCD with the always insightful, always incredible Dr Michael Alcey. He comes on talking about the hidden strengths of OCD and how, as a person with OCD, you can find those strengths, but then also, as therapists who might be working with clients with OCD, how we can, you know, maybe expand the way we work with an individual with this disorder, seeing it as a strength, tolerating the ambiguity that sometimes come with that. So I am excited that you're here this season. I'm excited for every episode and to be able to debrief with you just a little bit after every episode. Ciao,
