DEBRIEF - Lianna Purjes episode on Neurodivergence in relationships

Tune in for a short de-brief of last week's episode with Lianna Purjes! Also - be sure to check out this week's upcoming episode on Friday with Dr. Alcee!

Transcript

Reflecting on Communication and Relationships

Speaker 1 0:01

Wow , I just re-listened to that episode and there is so much that I took notes on even the second time , oh my goodness . All right , so this season I'm going to try something where I kind of re-listen to the episode with you and then share a little bit of debrief , right ? So this is aimed at kind of pulling some additional resources for you , some additional things that I've thought about since , kind of recording the episode but then also just re-listening with you . So I love when Liana was talking about how you know the adjustments that we can make to our environment , and I brought it up that one of the articles that I had recently written in the academic world was around neurodivergence and how the workplace can be more accommodating rather than seeing the . You know the beauty of how , when we think differently and we operate differently , how it can bring so much good to an organization in a workplace . And so I began asking myself , like , what adjustments can I make in the workplace to be more accommodating ? And so I am going to spend time really pondering that , and I encourage you , if you're a person who is a supervisor or a person who gets to make decisions , maybe you think about those things too . I love when Liana was talking about relational language and how we hear things , what words we actually hear and kind of how we interpret them and how that often is the key to a lot of our relational issues . And so I even found myself thinking in my own relationships like , oh man , you know , I feel like I'm I'm kind of constantly checking myself , but I'm not sure that I check that same thing with the people that I love . And so I love just the , the kind of pause statement that we can make that says I don't think we're speaking the same language here , you know , like just gives us both a pause to say , hey , we've got to maybe reestablish where we're at here together .

Speaker 1 2:17

I love also focusing on intentions , goals and hopes , but I think sometimes it's hard to do that . Goals and hopes , but I think sometimes it's hard to do that . And so I often encourage folks to find like lists of goals or lists of common hopes or lists of common intentions and people , because I think sometimes it takes a minute for us to realize , like , what is my goal here and , frankly , what is my goal right now and how is that changing ? Because I do think from time to time our goals change , you know , and so I actually love the work of John and Julie Gottman , and one of the things that they have been , they've kind of disclosed that they do together with one another every morning , which I think is amazing , is they ask themselves and one another what is on your heart and what is on your mind , and it really keeps them in tune with one another and kind of what the key goals are for one another at this moment , what is kind of bothering them , what's something they're worried about . I just love that . I think that's great . So , finding a list , thinking about ways that goals can change , or maybe a simple question to one another every morning , or , if you can't do it every morning , evening or just start weekly , start monthly , you know , whatever that looks like .

Speaker 1 3:41

I love the conversation that we had around impulsivity and another thing that I started thinking about that I didn't say on the podcast specific to this issue of impulsivity is I've talked to , um , you know couples who are like , well , yeah , I know that they're impulsive and I know sometimes they say things in the heat of the moment , but if they say it out loud , then it's probably something they've been thinking and so it must be true and um , well , I'm here to tell you I've had thoughts in my mind before , you know , like when I'm emotional , when I'm really angry , when I'm really frustrated , when I'm feeling really isolated , and the thoughts that happen in my mind aren't actually true . Maybe you have too right . Maybe you've had thoughts , like a common thought that I have I hate to admit this , but I've said this before like I'm terrified that my kids are going to be crushed in the middle of the parking lot . Right , I'm like ultra anxious in parking lots because I just am so worried that they're going to get crushed by a car . That's a thought that's happened in my mind that I'm isn't true , right ? I mean , I hope it's never true , but it hasn't been true , right ? So I just want to help you realize that sometimes we all have thoughts that we don't want to say out loud because they're not true . They're emotionally driven , and emotion is illogical and it causes us to think really extreme things . And so if your partner is impulsive and they say something , and then they say I didn't actually mean that , and you find yourself being like , well , you must have cause , you thought it . We all have thought things that we're grateful that the filter hasn't let through . We're all grateful , okay . So , um , I really appreciated being reminded , when I listened back about that , that the pattern that we encounter in our relationships , right , when it's like , oh my gosh , here we are again , we're in the same kind of rut or we're in the same argument or the same thing , keeps coming up and how , that doesn't mean that we're incompatible , right ? It doesn't mean that neither of us are trying . It just means that both of us are kind of creatures of habit and it just is what it is , right , I don't have to think any more about it , I don't have to read any more into it , it's just what it is . Many of our conflicts are unresolvable and many of our conflicts are repetitive , and that's kind of okay .

Speaker 1 6:26

The last thing I'm going to talk about here , because I think it's something that I'm still working through , is this question around how I can continue to communicate . Right , because we talked about how it's our responsibility to communicate , how our partner should respond to our varying emotions , right ? So how do I want them to respond when I'm sad ? How do I want them to respond when I'm embarrassed ? How do I want them to respond when I'm feeling isolated or lonely ? Right ? That is going to shift from time to time , and I think the thing I continue to think about is how much communication is required in that moment , right , and how hard it is . You know , when I'm really deep into an emotion , it's really hard for me to want to communicate clearly and explicitly . You know , I just want to . My tendency is to isolate , and so I want to just like crawl under my covers in bed . You know , and really what you know , I'm sure my partner wants is for me to communicate what would be helpful , and so that's something that I actually wrote down again , like how he should respond to different emotions . I just think it's really tough .

Discussing Strengths and Perspectives on OCD

Speaker 1 7:49

Anyway , I would love to hear from you what was the favorite part of this episode for you ? I shared a few of mine . Next week's episode is going to be on OCD with the always insightful , always incredible Dr Michael Alcey . He comes on talking about the hidden strengths of OCD and how , as a person with OCD , you can find those strengths , but then also , as therapists who might be working with clients with OCD , how we can , you know , maybe expand the way we work with an individual with this disorder , seeing it as a strength , tolerating the ambiguity that sometimes come with that . So I am excited that you're here this season . I'm excited for every episode and to be able to debrief with you just a little bit after every episode . Ciao ,