Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Hope Is Not Just Wishing for Pizza
Hope isn't just wishful thinking – it's believing good things can happen even amid challenges. In this thought-provoking conversation, Dr. Beth Trammell and Leslie Bolser unpack how to nurture this essential quality in children at every developmental stage.
For parents of younger children, we discuss the importance of mindful language, highlighting how casually using "hope" in disciplinary contexts ("I hope I don't have to come in there...") might undermine the positive meaning we want kids to embrace. Instead, we offer practical examples for modeling hope as positive anticipation in everyday conversations with little ones.
As children grow into the elementary and middle school years, the conversation shifts to more explicit teaching strategies. We share age-appropriate ways to engage children in deeper reflections about hope beyond superficial wishes, helping them expand their understanding of this powerful concept. For teenagers facing bigger disappointments and uncertain futures, we explore the delicate balance between acknowledging hardships while nurturing realistic optimism.
Most crucially, we address when parents should be concerned about hopelessness in their children. Dr. Trammell provides clear guidance on recognizing behavioral changes that might signal a need for professional support, along with a comprehensive overview of resources available – from school counselors to mental health professionals. We tackle the myth that discussing difficult topics like self-harm might "plant ideas," emphasizing that open, caring conversations are actually protective.
Whether you're parenting toddlers, tweens, or teenagers, this episode offers valuable insights to help you foster hope as a foundational strength in your children's lives. Listen now and discover how small shifts in your approach can make a significant difference in how your child views life's possibilities.
www.bethtrammell.com
All right, welcome back everybody. I say this every month, but I'm really excited to talk about this one because I think this one could go a lot of different directions. So I'm glad you're tuning in today to talk about this word and to join me and my friend, Dr Beth Trammell, who's always with me and always excited to talk about these words as well. We share the same enthusiasm for the words that we talk about. We really do, so. We'll introduce ourselves first. My name is Leslie Bolzer. I'm the creative director for Core Essential Values. We're a curriculum company that works with schools and communities and other organizations just to talk about words each month that are important in the ways that we treat each other and in the ways that we think about ourselves and the way we relate to the world around us. And I'm so excited every month that I get to have these conversations that are hopefully helpful for all of you because they're super helpful for me with my friend, Dr Beth Trammell. So introduce yourself, Dr Beth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, these are important to me. I love getting a chance to talk about these things. I love talking about, yeah, just things that matter in the world. I just really value you and I hope that we can just share some great stuff today. So just a little precursor to what we're going to talk about. So, yeah, so I am Dr Beth Trammell and I am a psychologist and a professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I'm also the director of the Master's in Mental Health Counseling Program. And yeah, my focus as a psychologist is on behavior and communication strategies to increase connection between mostly adults and children, because my focus is on child psychology. But yeah, so I love being really intentional about the things we say, and so that's why our goals often align really beautifully every month.
Speaker 1:That's right, and I think this word this month is going to be a really good example of that.
Speaker 1:So the word we're talking about it's perfect timing, it's spring.
Speaker 1:There's sort of the feeling in the air is of this word that we're talking about, which is hope, right, there are new beginnings, there's excitement in the air, and so, as we talk about hope this month, what we're talking about is sort of believing that good things can happen even among the bad.
Speaker 1:So it's not just this Pollyanna that everything is great all the time, but it's understanding that throughout the good and throughout the bad, you can find hope and you can find positivity and good things. And I can think of some great examples of that, but I think this one in particular a lot of our words that we talk about you can apply sort of the same theories or the same practices from little kids all the way through older kids, and I think this one may be different. We may be talking about some really different strategies between our younger kids and our older kids. So let's start on the younger end. When you're talking with your pre-K, preschool, younger elementary students about hope, what's the best way that we can infuse this in their lives and make sure they understand what hope really is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think the first thing is to just start by paying attention to how you're using the word hope in a sentence around your kids, you know.
Speaker 2:So we were talking about an example of how you know it's like I hope we get to have pizza for lunch or I hope you don't make me come in there to turn off the TV when I tell you you need to, right? So I think it starts with kind of this awareness of how we're using the word hope and if it really aligns with what our sort of parenting definition is. You know, I often talk with parents about how there are a lot of ways to raise kids and at the end of the day, you just have to to you have to decide for you as a parent what is important to me. And so you know, if this definition of hope um, you know kind of believing that something good can come of things, if that resonates with you, then start by paying attention to how, when your little ones are around, are we using that word around them? What's our, what's our kind of beginning, planting of the seed of what this word kind of means? How do we introduce it to them?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like the difference between a desire and a wish and something a little bit deeper.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think I know in my sort of disciplinary or parenting practices I've definitely used the word hope in sort of a disciplinary way, right. So, like, I hope you can sit and think about what you did or whatever, yeah, yeah that you know that doesn't always have the most positive connection to the word, and really hope really is about this positive anticipation of something good coming, and so I think it's fine, right, if you're a parent like me who has used the word and maybe not exactly the same sort of light, that we want our kids to really understand this word and this construct, but also, like, then try to infuse hope in a way that makes sense, right? So I really hope we get to have a good time with grandma this weekend and I have this hope that lives in me that you know you and your brother will enjoy dinner that I'm making today and not complain about broccoli on your plate, just like pondering and thinking about how I want to use the word hope in your kind of everyday language when they're really yeah, that's really great.
Speaker 1:So what about when they get a little bit older, when you're maybe upper elementary or in the middle school? Is there a difference there in the way we are talking about or infusing hope into our kids' lives?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think from there it becomes like just continuing to expand what they are learning about this word and this idea.
Speaker 2:And so maybe that means, you know, at dinner you're asking them, like what are the things you hope for this week or this year, right, maybe the school year, or maybe you have a trip or a tournament or some sort of event coming up and you can ask them, like what do you hope might happen here, right?
Speaker 2:So it's almost like you're when they're really little, you're just sort of like paying attention and planting the seed, and then, as they get a little bit older, we're starting to almost do like teaching. You know the way teachers teach. It's like I'm giving you examples of this, but then I'm exploring from their perspective what they know about this word and this idea. And so if they start using hope in a way that's like, well, I hope we have pizza, it's like, yes, okay, that's one way to think about hope, but think more deeply, right, like what do you really hope is a positive thing that might come out of this trip? And you might be surprised that when you kind of push your kids to think about things, they may come with some cool stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's awesome, that's great. Okay, so when we talk about high school kids or our older kids, I want to go two directions. The first one is, I think, what is kind of naturally happening in their lives, whether they enjoy it or not, which is thinking about their future. So, as it applies to hope I hear what you're saying about in the elementary and middle schools. I'm just using that word what are you hoping for? What do you hope comes of this? How do you apply that at the high school level to talk about hope for their future?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I mean, the reality is, by this point, and maybe even in elementary school, or, frankly, even when they're really little, they may have experienced when those things that they hoped for didn't happen, and so they maybe have experienced, you know, disappointment or feelings that aren't necessarily hopeful, and so I think it's continuing to have those conversations around. Yes, how do you remain hopeful amidst disappointment? Right, because disappointment is going to come for all of us, and so, when they think about their future, it's helping them maintain kind of a realistic, positive outlook, without just dreading kind of the negative things or kind of continually rehashing disappointments that have happened in the past, but not ignoring them either, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Hope doesn't mean that I think everything's going to be great all the time and I'm just like pretending like nothing's wrong. Hope is just, like we're saying, kind of this anticipatory feeling, a more optimistic idea of something good can come of this thing, even if I can't quite see it yet. And so when they think about their future, some kids can't see it. You know they they want to remain hopeful, but some of their disappointments might be clouding them, and so I think it's fair to have conversations about both their disappointments and once we, okay, let's put those disappointments to the side. And if you could believe and hope, what would the picture of your future look like?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really good, that's really powerful. I should know this quote, I should get it right, but I'm going to paraphrase. I think it was Mr Rogers who talked about when something bad happens or when something goes wrong, when there's a crisis, look for the helpers. Right, and I think that relates here too. Right, when you're constantly feeling, or have a young person who has a lot of disappointment or a lot of things that are outside of their control, that have maybe held them back or have made them, you know, feel a lack of hope. Looking for the helpers can be just maybe a little bit of what they needed, or being that helper for them can be a little bit of what they needed.
Speaker 2:I love that because I think it is a good reminder for this age group. Right, are like teenagers, are tweens and teenagers that sometimes finding the helper means it's not your best friend, right, yeah, like, sometimes you're just sort of like in a rut and, yeah, calling your best friend will they'll, like, listen to you while you're in your rut, but they may not be your helper at that moment. It doesn't make them a bad person. It it just means you know you have to identify like what do I need that's going to help me get out of this rut? And is my best friend just going to agree with me and be like, yeah, let's pitchfork and be angry.
Speaker 1:You know it's like look for the helper.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's Mr Rogers and there's. He said it in a really eloquent way. I'm sure I love it, I just can't remember. So that's a good transition to the last thing that I want to ask about, which is, you know, we're talking to parents who, as we started this conversation, may have had a little moment where this might be a little uncomfortable for them, right, because they may be watching their own child or a child that they know personally, right now experiencing some moments of hopelessness, a lack of hope or the inability to even grasp for that word. So I know this is a really complicated question, but, kind of briefly, how can you help from your perspective, your professional perspective, if a parent thinks that they might be parenting a kid who's struggling or might need more than what they can give them in terms of finding hope? How do you know when the right time is, and how do you even know where to start or who to reach out to? How do parents find those helpers in terms of their kids' hopelessness or mental health?
Speaker 2:I love this question and it is probably one of the most consistent questions. I get right when should I reach out to a therapist or psychologist or whatever? And so I tend to say kids, you know, little kids in particular are better at telling us what their behavior, and so if there are any kind of changes in their behavior or their mood, then you might just start to think about reaching out. I encourage, especially at the teenager level or tweens, even upper elementary check in with your kid and just say hey, I've noticed that you've been a little grumpy lately, I've noticed you've been withdrawing and come with kind of some curiosity-based language. So like I've noticed this, or hey, you know, I care about you and I just want to make sure you're okay. And if our kids, you know, say no, I'm fine, it's not a big deal, but you're still noticing pretty significant changes in their grades, in their hygiene and their sleep patterns, their eating habits. They're withdrawing more, they're more disrespectful, they seem angry. If there are kind of changes in those, or it seems like it's been increasing in frequency, duration or intensity, then it's probably time to call somebody.
Speaker 2:So some folks find it's better to reach out to their pediatrician or their doctor and ask for recommendations. Pediatrician or their doctor and ask for recommendations. Some people prefer to get a recommendation from a close friend or family member who might know a mental health professional in the area. Some people ask their church or spiritual leaders, other folks. It comes down to kind of financial resources, and so some folks will start by calling their insurance company. Some folks will start by calling their insurance company and kind of seek people that are in network in their area. If you live in a kind of university town, there might be resources on the university's campus to get some support. School counselors are always a great first line of defense. A great first line of defense. Also, I usually encourage parents to have conversations with school administrators to say, hey, have you noticed there's been any changes in my child? And I think the last thing about this that I think is important for us to remember is that there are lots of resources out there to help you and your child and it's it's okay to not be okay. There are some great hotlines to reach out 988 or other hotlines if you're in crisis.
Speaker 2:But I think sometimes there's this myth that talking about suicide or self-harm is going to kind of plant a seed in kids or even grownups, and that is a myth. People who might have thoughts of hurting themselves or thoughts of suicide are often relieved when people say like, have you been having thoughts of hurting yourself, have you been having thoughts of suicide? Because often they feel very isolated and very alone in those thoughts. And so when we sort of open the door as a caring adult or a caring person to say, hey, I care about you and you matter to me, one of the greatest predictors of suicide completion is past suicide attempts or past suicide kind of statements. And so if your child is saying I feel really hopeless and I'm having thoughts of hurting myself, then I always encourage parents to seek help as soon as possible, because we want to make sure that if they get to that point, they feel like they're not and that we can support them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, that's really great advice. That's a broad range of a parent being able to find something comfortable for them and reach out in whatever way that looks like. So appreciate it, that's really great. That's really great. So we always close off with telling people how they can find out more about us, and we'll still do that coreessentialsorg or at CE Values. But I also want to say a resource that I've used and I know others have used is psychologytodaycom, say. A resource that I've used and I know others have used is psychologytodaycom. It's a really searchable database based on the type of mental health treatment or services. You're looking for the area insurance, all of those things as well. So, as we're listing resources, I think that's an important one for folks to be able to have access to as well, and how can they get a hold of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's great. I love Psychology Today and I I would encourage you to try to find somebody who specializes in working with kids or teenagers, because it is a slightly different way of providing treatment that not every clinician has expertise in. So that would be my last little two cents, and my website is makewordsmatterforgoodcom. I have two podcasts also Things you Learn in Therapy, and Kids these Days Need Us to Make Words Matter for Good, so folks can follow me there, and I hope that listeners can find hope in some of the things we're talking about today.
Speaker 1:I agree. That's a great hope to have. So we have one more month in the school year after this. We're going to talk about finishing strong. So it's going to be a really good conversation and we hope everybody joins us then.
Speaker 2:Sounds great. Ciao, everyone, bye, thank you.
