Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep 146: Raising Trustworthy Kids Through Predictable Parenting
Joined by my friend from Core Essential Values, Leslie Bolser, we dig in to TRUST!!
Trust doesn’t arrive with a grand gesture; it’s built in the tiny moments we repeat. We dive into what makes a parent truly dependable and why predictability—not perfection—is the foundation kids need to feel safe, open up, and keep coming back to us when it matters most. If you’ve ever wondered how to start building trust today, we break it down into moves you can use before the next pickup line ends.
We begin by reframing trust for families as dependable confidence and explain why predictability beats the myth of always-on consistency. Life shifts, energy dips, and answers vary, but our kids can still know how we’ll respond. That steady pattern creates safety, and safety is the gateway to trust. We share a simple language tool—the “circle of trust”—that sets clear boundaries for private conversations and empowers kids to ask for confidentiality with respect. You’ll hear how this phrase travels with children as they grow, helping them make wiser choices about what to share and with whom.
From there, we move into everyday practices. Think presence over performance: put down the phone, make eye contact, and let their agenda lead during re-entry moments after school or practice. Learn to attune to the emotion beneath the story—loneliness, embarrassment, pride—before you offer perspective. And when you miss it, repair out loud. Owning your missteps models accountability and actually deepens trust over time. Along the way, we connect these ideas to school, sports, and family dynamics, showing how steady responses help kids navigate relationships, set expectations, and feel grounded even when life is busy.
If you’re ready to trade perfection for reliability, this conversation gives you clear steps and warm encouragement. Subscribe for more practical episodes on parenting, communication, and emotional health, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help others find the show.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, please contact 988 or seek a treatment provider in your area.
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Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
www.bethtrammell.com
Hey, welcome back everybody. I'm excited to jump right into today's topic. It is something we haven't talked about in a little while, so I'm excited about that. My name's Leslie Bolser. I'm the creative director for Core Essentials, and we're a company that works with schools and communities and families to help kids learn uh these words every month and figure out how they can apply them in their lives and in their families and in their schools and in their communities. And I'm joined, as always, with my friend Dr. Beth Tremell. Could you introduce yourself?
SPEAKER_00:Yep, absolutely. Hi, everyone. I am glad to be back. I always love being on the podcast here. So I'm Dr. Beth Tremel, a psychologist and professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I am the director of the Master's Mental Health Counseling program. I basically train graduate students. I also teach some undergraduate courses, but I also work in the community. I do lots of trainings and workshops for parents and teachers to make words matter for good. I focus on behavior and communication, um, ways to use our body and space to have positive influence over the people that are around us in tiny moments and in big moments.
SPEAKER_01:So that's that's awesome. That was a great description. Thanks. So I'm excited to talk about this word this month. I we've definitely done this one before, but it's been a while. So I'm interested to talk about it because we live in kind of an ever-changing world right now, it feels like. And this word seems like it's maybe more important than ever as a parent to just think about a little bit and spend some time just contemplating it as a person. Um, and it's trust. And the way we're talking about with kids is putting your confidence in someone you can depend on. And there's a lot of words in there that are confidence and depending, and there's a lot of words in there that are important. And I was, I'm hoping you're okay with this, but a lot of months we talk about how to parent that value or that skill or that characteristic in our kids. But I'm wondering this month, I'm wondering if we should just spend a little bit of time talking about how as parents we can show this one. You talk about modeling a lot, I know it's important to you, but I think I would love to just think about like what makes a trustworthy parent.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so for me, um, one of the words that I kind of have a love-hate relationship with in parenting in the parenting world is consistency. Because I just think nothing is ever consistent, right? Like my teenager or my uh fourth grader will come to me and you know, he wants, can I have a Gatorade today after school? And I'm like, no, just for like no good reason. I'm just like, no. And then the next day he's like, Can I have a Gatorade? And I'm like, sure. Like depending on my mood, depending on the weather, depending if I slept well, like it's just hard to be like a consistent parent. But what I want for folks to be is predictable. So predictability is like, you know, so I'm laughing because my my fourth grader was like, mom, POV for mom. This is how he talks. POV for mom. Hey, mom, can I have a friend over? Mom, mom doesn't respond. Mom says, I'll think about it. Mom, two weeks later, sure, you can have a friend over. You're so ridiculous. And I said, listen, at least I'm predictable. You know that's how I'm gonna respond. Like, if you ask me this random question in the middle of my day when I'm trying to like finish my work, sometimes I can't answer your question right away. That's predictable. You know that's gonna happen. Anyway, predictability creates this sense of I know what my parent, I know what to expect from my parent. You know, early on when I was doing a lot of parenting workshops in the community, I um remember telling stories where I would tell parents, listen, if you get really feisty about spilling milk on the ground, if you are really feisty every single time, then your kid knows. They know, oh boy, I spilled the milk, I better get it towel quickly. Yeah, that's a thing for mom. That she's just gonna, she's it's gonna really bother her, you know? When you're predictable, they can trust your responses. They can trust that you are going to show up in this predictable way. And so when we have this predictability, and I think even if you think about in your own life, right? Like people who respond to you in a predictable way, even if you know, they like scream and yell about a red light, you start to trust who they are because they're constantly showing up in this predictable way. So I guess for me, it starts and ends, and obviously there's other parts to trust. But for me and my kids and my life, and when I talk to parents, I think trying to be predictable so your kids know what to expect is at the core of them being able to trust that I'm gonna show up in the way that um is kind and loving, but also holding them accountable.
SPEAKER_01:That's the this is so interesting. I my youngest daughter just went to college and she's an athlete. And so, like any other athlete, you know, she's had coaching situations that have been really good and just really healthy and fantastic relationships, and others that are not so great for whatever reason. And last year she said, Do you know what I've learned about myself? I place a high value on predictability. And I thought, I mean, that is gonna take you far, right? Yeah. Uh-huh. To know that about yourself so young and to be able to say, I know this situation is not gonna work out for me. This person or this relationship or this event or this thing might be exciting because it's really wild and spontaneous. Ultimately, it's not gonna work for me because I place a high value on predictability. So um I just listening to you describe that, I'm thinking, yeah, this would really resonate with her, but she's probably not alone. It probably resonates with almost all kids.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I think predictability creates safety. And then safety is the precursor to trust. Yes. Right. So I can't trust someone if I don't feel safe. We as parents think, well, I'm keeping my kids safe because, you know, we lock the doors or, you know, I make sure that they have shelter and food and all those things. And I think those things are obviously really critical, but I think trust can exist as long as safety exists. And, you know, one thing that I started doing with my kids when they were young is like when there was something that we were talking about that I wanted to just stay between us, and us could have been us and the family or us, just one child and me. I would start by saying, listen, this is a circle of trust thing. That means that it's just you and I, right? And that language has been something that my teenagers now that they're older will come to me and they'll say, Mom, this is circle of trust. But I heard that so and so, so and so, so and so, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And so we've kind of created this like understanding that trust, like they can come to me. And it started because I kind of went to them and said, Hey, I'm trusting you with some information about our family that I don't want you to go tell your teacher everything about.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like, you know, sometimes you have to be explicit in telling your kids like maybe this is just like a stay at home, don't talk about it. So my phrase for that was this is a circle of trust thing. And so it's been really fun to kind of have my kids see that as an approachable way to then share some things that they wanted for me to hold sacred and for them to trust in me.
SPEAKER_01:That's that's awesome. So, this what we're talking about is kind of like big, long-term, really intentional, strategic parenting of this way to gain trust. But I'm also thinking for someone who's like driving their car right now in the pickup line and they're like, okay, but what about if I want to start today? Yeah. What if I want to start now? I'm thinking about things like really simple things. Maybe it is making eye contact with your kid and putting down your phone when they're telling you a story, even if you're not that interested. Ooh, man, every day of my life. Yes, totally. But maybe that's like one thing you can say to yourself, okay, I'm I'm just gonna put down the phone and listen to them tell me the plot of this movie from start to finish.
SPEAKER_00:And the game they played that you're not following, and all the names of the classmates that you don't know. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm just gonna lock in, I'm gonna make eye contact, and I'm gonna gain their trust in this moment by being fully present because sometime I'm gonna want them to tell me something and they're gonna assume that I'm gonna be on my phone and I don't want to do that to them. So can you think of other things like that that could be really just like in the moment, all right, I'm gonna do this one thing today that's gonna help build trust with my kid.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I love that example, right? Especially during like transitions or re-entry moments when they've been away from you and you're like you're really trying to not let it be about your agenda and let it be about their agenda. I think those are great moments. I think um anytime they're having an emotion, any kind of emotion, happy, sad, mad, I think they're asking for us to kind of become attuned to what's happening for them. And I've had so many moments, Leslie, where I'm like, well, I missed that one, you know. So you don't have to be perfect, right? Where like my kid was like crying because something happened at school, and I was like, wow, this is not that big of a deal, you know? And they were like, It is, they're never gonna like me again. And they're and and I missed the mark in the way that um, you know, I think sometimes our kids do need us to just be like, okay, now let's put it in perspective. Right. True. But sometimes they also need us to just be in it for a minute.
SPEAKER_01:I just go, oh, that stinks.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Like, oh yeah. And so instead of like again, rolling my eyes or being on my phone, like trying to attend to like what they're really trying to tell me. Yeah, because often it's not really like the content of what they're saying. Yeah, it's kind of the bigger meaning behind it, right? They feel really isolated because their friends called them out and embarrassed them. And so it's not actually the embarrassing thing, it's the like feelings of of loneliness or sadness. So we can attune to that and say that sounds really hard and lonely.
SPEAKER_01:I think I'm I prefer that. I think I'm gonna do that instead of listening to the story of the plot of the whole movie. Can I just pick one?
SPEAKER_00:You can pick one and start there because you have so many. I mean, that's the truth about parenting, is like you have so many opportunities to just continue to try and try and try and show up.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's awesome. That's great. And that's really if we think through our adult lives of what trusting another person looks like, it's that, right? Yep. It's they show up again and again and again, and that even when they get it wrong, they try again the next time. And that that's those are the people we trust. Those are the people.
SPEAKER_00:And they show up and they admit they made a mistake and they say, dang, you know, that was my bad. I kind of rolled my eyes and I, you know, I was just kind of caught up in the moment and just thinking, I know that you're, you know, you can be better than this. So it's admitting mistakes, and that's great.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, totally. Excellent. Well, I hope we can do this again next month because I'm sure we have many, many more things to talk about. So many things to talk about. And I'm sure that between now and then you and I will fail miserably at most of them, and we'll need another opportunity to try again anyway.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:So, in between now and then, if you want to know more about core essentials, you can go to our core our website, coreessentials.org, or our social media at CE values. And what about you?
SPEAKER_00:My website is MakeWords Matterforgood.com. And um, I have two podcasts which you can also kind of find there, and I'm working on some additional things that you might find in the resources section. Um, so yeah, that's all they can find me.
SPEAKER_01:Excellent. Well, um, I trust that I will see you again next month.
SPEAKER_00:Same thing. I like it too.
SPEAKER_01:All right, see ya. Okay, bye.
