Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep 146: 3 Unhelpful Things We Say to Kids
Sharing some of my favorite episodes from Kids These Days...
Ever find yourself locked in a standoff with a kid and wondering why your go‑to lines aren’t working? We dig into three everyday phrases that seem efficient but quietly sabotage trust and cooperation, then share simple replacements that calm the room and still get things done. As a licensed psychologist and educator, I unpack why “Because I said so,” identity‑tinged labels, and “There’s no reason to cry” can escalate conflict and seed shame—and what to say instead.
We start by reframing authority with short, honest reasons and shared routines that reduce pushback. You’ll hear how a family code word creates a clean pause, how first‑time listening agreements take shape, and why the brain shifts from fight to think when expectations are clear. From there, we replace character attacks with crisp I‑statements that name impact without wounding identity, then build a habit of de‑escalation: state the feeling, give space, return to problem solving when everyone’s calm.
Finally, we tackle emotional validation. Tears are data, not defiance. Learn how to meet big feelings with simple noticing, offer language like sad, embarrassed, or hurt, and guide kids toward faster recovery and stronger self‑awareness. Along the way, we point you to blog resources with more phrases and scripts you can use right away. If you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver who wants fewer power struggles and more connection—without giving up boundaries—this conversation is your field guide.
If these ideas help, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a reset, and leave a quick review so others can find it. Tell me the most unhelpful phrase you’re retiring and what you’re replacing it with—I’d love to feature your ideas next time.
Check out THREE MORE UNHELPFUL things we say to kids at:
www.bethtrammell.com/blog
Blog — Beth Trammell
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
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Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
www.bethtrammell.com
Hello, listener. Welcome back to Kids These Days Need Us to make Words Matter for Good. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremell. I'm a licensed psychologist and an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I'm also the director of the Masters of Mental Health Counseling Program. And I am excited to share with you today a few things that we do as parents or teachers that are not necessarily helpful. And so I'm going to talk a little bit today about some unhelpful things that we say to our kids or to the kids that we work with. And I'm also going to link to a blog post that I have shared. Oh, it's been a long time since I've shared this. So I'm going to share it again in case there are folks who maybe missed it. So I'll share a couple of blog posts with you here in the description so you can read a little bit more. But at the end of the day, my focus is for us to make words matter for good, right? And so I want for us to try to say the most helpful thing in this moment, right? And so it may shift from moment to moment based on the situation you're in, the mood that you're in, the mood that your child's in, their emotional regulation phase, where they're at. And so I'm going to share a few things that we kind of tend to say in moments where I think our goal may be one thing and our statement may be achieving something else. And so the first unhelpful thing that we say to children is because I said so. Now, look, okay, friends, I have um I've definitely said this a time or two with my own kids. I've heard lots of other folks say this. And I grew up hearing this. And the reason that I'm putting it on this list of unhelpful things is because most of the time we say this in response to our child questioning us for something that we have asked them or told them they have to do. Right. So they might, um, we might say, Hey, it's time to go take a shower. And they say, I don't want to take a shower. Why do I have to take a shower? And you say, because I said so. And often I talk with parents who they sort of get to this frustrated place, right? Where they're kind of tired of hearing from their kid or their questions, or, you know, their kids whining or whatever it might be. And our sort of like last kind of stake in the ground is because I said so. And so I want to encourage a different way of doing this, right? So if your child is asking, why do we have to do this? Now it's going to depend on your child, but what if you actually told them why? So, for example, if they said, uh, you know, why do I have to take a shower? You could say you went swimming today or you worked out today, or you went outside today and you got sweaty. You could say it's been three or four days since you took a shower, so it's time, right? There, there may be something that you could actually answer their question that might be more helpful than just because I said so. Now, if you're a person who's like, look, Beth, I've tried this, I've had to do this over and over. I always have to end with because I said so, or else they just won't do it. In this instance, especially if your child is old enough to have a conversation, I would have an actual conversation like that, where you're saying, Look, here's the thing. I don't want to keep saying because I said so. I want for you to be able to just do what I've asked you to do by the first or second time that I've told you. So can we come up with another way? Right. I talk with parents and kids a lot about creating some like code words that basically mean this is our stopping point, right? That says, this is when I need you to stop, I need you to pause, I need you to listen, I need you to hear what I'm saying, whatever it might be, right? And the reason that's more helpful is that that is a contract. That's a that's an agreement between you and your child. That is you working together to get them to do the things you need them to do, instead of you just exerting your control, exerting your power. Look, you have the power. That's the truth. Your child knows that, even if sometimes they don't necessarily treat you that way, your child knows that you have more power than they do. So I think what I am suggesting is instead of needing to sort of puff your chest and exert your power with a statement like, because I said so, I would encourage us to think about ways that we can work with our child to get them to do the things we need them to do. The second thing I want to talk about here, um, that is an unhelpful saying, is when we say things like, you are acting like a jerk. You are acting like a brat, you are acting like a fill in the blank, right? And then later you will say, Well, I didn't actually call them a jerk, I told them they were acting like a jerk. Or you'll say, I didn't actually call them a brat, I just told them they were acting like a brat. Well, the problem with a child's brain is that they don't hear the difference. And most of us, if you were to ask somebody, I I do this in workshops sometimes when I talk with parents and I'll say, Okay, I want you to read this card for me. And it says, You are acting like a jerk. And then uh, so they read the card out loud, and then I say, Okay, what did you what did you interpret? What did you hear? And almost every time I can't even think about a time where a participant didn't say, You said that I was I was a jerk. They don't even interpret, even though they've read it out loud, they don't even interpret the you're acting like, right? So we think we're telling them, yes, your behavior is what I dislike, but what we hear is an identity response, right? What we hear is you're saying my identity is a jerk. I hope this is making sense. And so what I'm what I'm encouraging us to say instead is an I statement, right? So like I feel disappointed when you ignore me when I tell you it's time to come to the table. I feel sad, I feel frustrated when you do this or that or this, right? So instead of you are just acting like a jerk, state how it feels inside of you when their behavior is whatever it is, right? And the truth is when we are emotional or when they are emotional, it's not really our time for teaching, right? So that's not really our teaching moment. So what I typically tell folks is get out of this moment, let everybody sort of move away from their emotional selves. Maybe that takes 10 or 15 minutes, maybe you're gonna take a breath and you come back and then you have a conversation about it later. But in that moment of frustration or anger or whatever it might be, that's not really our teaching moment. It really is just our time to tell them this is how this feels for me. This is how you are impacting me. And this is the feeling that I have about that. All right, the last one I want to talk about, and there'll be there'll be three other ones that you'll see on the blog posts that I share uh this week. But the last one uh that I want to talk about here is when we say there's no reason to cry. It's an unhelpful thing to say. There's no reason to cry because your child has already established in their own body, in their own mind, that there is a very real reason for them to cry. Right? So they might have hurt themselves, they might have perceived some sort of injury. You think, well, that's silly, you know, like, or that's just ridiculous, or whatever. But for them, it's real. And so imagine a time where you had a very real experience in the world, right? Maybe you were really hurt by something that later you were like, oh my goodness, that was kind of silly, or oh my gosh, like that was really bad. That was really hurtful or harmful or whatever. Imagine in that moment, and someone says to you, Oh, geez, there's no reason to cry. Stop being a baby. Imagine how unhelpful that would feel to you. Imagine how that would make you more and more angry. And in fact, on Friday, we're gonna talk about some very unhelpful things that we say to one another. So tune in to Things You Learn in Therapy for some ways that we as adults say similar unhelpful things to one another. But in this instance where our child is crying and we wanna say, oh boy, there's really no reason to cry. Like, stop being dramatic. Instead, I would honor the space they're in, right? For example, you could say, Hey, I noticed that you look sad. Are you okay? Are you okay? And maybe they'll say, No, he was so mean to me. And then he, you know, maybe the crying gets worse until it gets better. But wouldn't that be easier than just pretending like their feelings don't matter at all? Right, honoring their experience will bring you closer to your child, it will bring you closer to the student in your classroom. And it won't take hours and hours. Right. This is what I think sometimes we think. We're worried that if we ask them, Are you okay? or we're worried that if we, you know, kind of ask our child how they're doing, we're gonna kind of play into whatever this drama is. And sometimes our kids just need us to honor this space that they're in by saying, Are you okay? or I notice this thing about you. And that's okay. That's okay for our kids to have those feelings and for us to honor those things. So rather than saying there's no reason to cry, maybe you can ask them, what is it that's making you feel like you need to cry? What is it that you're feeling now? Is it sad? Is it embarrassed? Is it hurt? Right. Sometimes they need the emotional vocabulary to talk about how they're actually feeling. And by prompting them, we can step into that space with them to teach them that. So again, I will share a couple of blog posts for you that you can check out, you can uh read a little bit more. And there are three other unhelpful sayings. Feel free to uh share those or or take a look at those. I also want to ask you what are the unhelpful things that you've heard uh other parents or teachers saying. Would love to hear from you. Reach out, Beth, at makewordsmatterforgood.com. You can share those things and I can uh make another episode. And until next week, for those of you in the states who celebrate uh the 4th of July, have a safe and memorable holiday tomorrow. And for those of you outside of the US, I hope you have a great week and we will uh be back next Monday with another episode. Thanks for listening, everyone. Ciao, I'm gonna go ahead and do it.
