Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Is this NORMAL?? LYING --> Kids and the Truth: Why Lying Happens
This episode is only available to subscribers.
Things You Learn in Therapy +
Exclusive access to premium content!This is first of four episodes that I am calling "Is this normal?" On today's episode, I share thoughts about why children lie and how we can better approach lying behavior in our kiddos. Check out the other episodes on nightmares and worry!
What if your child’s latest fib isn’t a crisis, but a clue? We dive into why lying often surges around ages seven to nine, how the developing brain plays into quick, self-protective answers, and what actually helps kids tell the truth more often. Instead of labeling children as liars, we reframe fibs as signals about fear, impulsivity, and the need for safety in the relationship—then we map out practical ways to respond.
We walk through a clear, three-level framework for handling lies: when to let low-stakes fantasy pass, how to coach honesty in medium-stakes moments, and when to set firm, proportionate consequences for serious or repeated deceit. You’ll hear simple scripts to avoid cornering questions, tips for leading with the facts you already know, and language that invites your kid’s side of the story. For parents of teens, we dig into repairing trust without over-punishing, designing consequences that teach rather than humiliate, and creating a path back to credibility after a breach.
We also hold up a mirror to our own modeling. From the “you’re twelve today” movie ticket move to little white lies that save face, kids notice. We talk about owning those moments without defensiveness and reinforcing the core family value that relationships thrive on truth. If lying feels constant and bundled with bigger behavior issues, we share when it’s time to bring in a therapist who specializes in externalizing behaviors. Come away with calm, connection-first strategies, concrete language to use today, and a steadier sense of what’s normal—and what needs extra support.
If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend who’s navigating fibs at home, and leave a quick review so more families can find these tools. Tune in next week for nightmares and sleep disturbance.
Here is the article I referenced in the episode. Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do to Stop It | Child Mind Institute
www.bethtrammell.com
Hello, listener. Thank you for being here and for tuning in today. I'm going to start a series called Is This Normal? You know, one of the things that I find from parents the most is that they just want to know if their kid is okay. So people will kind of hear that I specialize in working with kids and families and they will say, Oh my gosh, we've had this thing happen. And is that normal or am I crazy or is my kid crazy or uh whatever that might be? So this first episode, we are going to talk about lying. And then we're going to cover nightmares or sleep disturbance uh next week. We're going to talk about worry the following week and picky eaters. So tune in week after week here if um you are curious or have a kiddo, or maybe you don't have a kiddo, but I bet you know a kiddo who experiences any of those things. So today is about lying. And so is it normal for kids to lie? So the short answer is yes. And actually, it's developmentally appropriate for our kids to start fibbing around the age of seven, eight, nine years old. Um, we actually see kind of a peak in lying behavior, usually around eight or nine. And that doesn't mean that our teens uh don't also engage in lying behavior, but that typically uh we'll see kind of an increase in that. So if you have an eight or nine year old and it seems like they're lying a lot, uh it doesn't mean that they're crazy and you need a specialist, although that may be true. So let's talk about why kids lie. So there can be a number of reasons why our kiddos would not tell us the truth. And if we're being honest, there's a lot of reasons why we don't tell the truth as adults. So one of the first reasons um that kids lie is to get out of trouble, you know, um, they don't want to be in trouble, and so it's easier to not tell the truth. Another reason is that um sometimes they are not necessarily thinking about the answer. And so their quick and impulsive response is to not tell maybe the whole truth. And, you know, another reason that I hear this kind of relates to this first example uh that we were talking about earlier about trying to get out of trouble. But I think sometimes kids lie because we back them into a corner, you know, and all of us would um be tempted to lie if we are kind of backed into a corner, you know. For example, is there um, you know, some something happened at school or something happened at a friend's house over the weekend and the parent called you or the school called and said, you know, this happened here and you might want to talk to your kid about it, right? Instead of starting this conversation with your kid by saying, Is there anything you want to tell me about what happened at school today? Please don't say that because the truth is all of us would approach that way of having the conversation with a lie or at least with anxiety around telling any parts of the truth. Instead, what we want to do is say, hey, Sammy's mom called and um she said that you and Jackson got into uh a little bit of an argument. Tell me a little bit about it. I want to hear your side of the story. I promise your kid is gonna respond more appropriately if you kind of lay your cards out instead of tempting them to see if they're gonna lie. Don't tempt them. Don't see if they're gonna lie because the truth is they probably will, but that doesn't make them a liar. It makes them normal. So if lying behavior continues and it becomes perpetual, right? Let's say that your kid is lying about all sorts of things. I actually found a great article that I will link in the uh show, the description here. And this this article talks about thinking about lies on kind of a level one, level two, level three, right? And based on where or how significant the lie is, we respond in different ways, right? So if it's a level one lie, we might just sort of ignore it. And especially if this is a lie that we believe um is based out of insecurity. You know, the example this article talks about is that um there's a child who says they scored 10 goals in the soccer game. And we just know that that's not absolute, that's just not the truth. Uh, it wouldn't necessarily be a time for us to need to correct that lie. Sometimes it's better for our young kids, especially our six or seven-year-olds, to tell us and have us be excited for the game if they can tell us a little fib. A level one lie may just be something that otherwise is harmless. And it doesn't mean you have to get into a kind of power struggle with your child around the truth or the reality of things. Because the the truth and the reality for your kid is that sometimes it's more fun to stay in a land of I did actually score 10 goals. Trust me, when they get older, the the likelihood of them being a sociopath and continually being a perpetual liar is very slim. It's just very slim. So just let them love having 10 goals in their mind for a little while. You know, I would love to live in fantasy land if I could. And frankly, some days I'm like, I don't have anything to do today. I can just sit on the couch and watch Netflix. Yeah, it's probably fantasy land. Anyway, so level two would maybe be a little bit of a more significant lie, but we can kind of maximize the likelihood that our kids aren't gonna lie if we give them kind of a preamble, right? We we kind of step into this conversation with them by saying, Hey, so you know, I want you to tell me the truth. Remember that it's not gonna matter, right? It's not gonna matter what is your response, but all that matters is that you tell me the truth because I want to hear your side of things, right? So sometimes if you start particularly a hard conversation that may be about their negative behavior, and you kind of step into it with reminding them, hey, the most important thing is that you tell me the truth. Often they may just tell you the truth or they may tell you parts of the truth. And it's okay if we let our young kids especially not have to tell us the whole truth. Man, there are some moments in my life where I wish I didn't have to say the whole truth out loud. And that doesn't mean we're not making them prepared for life later. If your kid is 15 or 16 or 18 and they're still lying to you, then I would have continued conversations about trust, what it means in relationships when you're deceitful. And uh, you know, what is it that's keeping you from telling me the truth? Remember, our kids, and particularly our teens, while we're on that subject, are kind of driven to stay out of trouble. You know, they they don't want to be in trouble and they would rather kind of sneak their way out of it if they could. Again, that doesn't make them pathological. Now, if you've got a kid who has very significant behavior issues and lying is one of them, then reaching out to a therapist who specializes in working with externalizing behavior would be an important next step for you. But if you've got a teenager who just maybe isn't um maybe forthcoming with an argument that they got into at school today, or they're not forthcoming, or they blatantly lie and say they did their laundry even though they didn't. The idea of helping our teens learn how to behave in the world doesn't always mean we have to take away all of their privileges when they make a mistake. Maybe the lie was a mistake. Maybe it's time to sit down and say, it is not okay that you said a lie straight to my face. In fact, it makes me really curious about ways that I can continue to try to trust you moving forward. We've got to talk through what made you say this lie. It's just doing laundry. Why are you lying about it? At the end of the day, using your relationship with your child is going to be the way you minimize this sort of negative lying behavior and realize that if your child is lying, it doesn't make them a liar. It makes them a child. So give them a little bit of grace today. Let them have space to develop cognitively, socially, realizing that lies, particularly lies when we're in the middle of parenting, though they feel disrespectful to us and it feels like I need to correct it immediately. Maybe it's more about having a conversation. And then you can say, hey, look, if you lie to me again, there might be consequences. And those consequences might mean this. These are the kinds of consequences that you might have if you lie again. And here's why is because that relationships are built on people telling the truth. Relationships stay healthy when we can communicate about things. And that means we have to be honest. One last thing I'm going to say here is that sometimes this is really tricky because sometimes we encourage and we even model lying for our kids, which can get confusing. For example, we're going to the movie theater and the cutoff for the child ticket is 12 years old, and your child just turned 13. And we say, Hey, you're not 13 today, you're 12 today. In their mind, it's still a lie. They're not seeing the$3 benefit that you are seeing. Um, they're just seeing that, well, you're allowed to lie, and how come I'm not? So I am not shaming anyone who is trying to save a few dollars. I am I I have done of the same thing. What I am saying is when you're when your child is questioning how come it's okay for you and it's not okay for me, we have to honor that question. And we can't be mad at them and we can't say, Don't, don't challenge me and my ideas, or don't, don't tell me how to do this, or you just be quiet and I'm gonna parent you however I want to parent you. Realize that their their challenge is actually truthful, and that's okay. We can own that. We can own that. It's okay to own that and say, this is a level one lie, and maybe you're okay with level one lies as long as your child continues to be in relationship with you and you can continue to build trust and continue to have trust. So is this normal lying? Yes, it is, unless it's perpetual and about everything and it is um kind of an ongoing continual issue. Otherwise, lies here and there. Uh, we can correct with our relationship with our kiddos over time. I hope that you tune in next week when we talk about nightmares and uh sleep disturbance. Even if your kid's a pretty good sleeper, this might be a good one to check in with. And as always, thanks for listening. Stay safe and stay well. And as always, make words matter for good.
