Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Is this NORMAL?? NIGHTMARES -->Nightmares and Night Terrors Explained
This episode is only available to subscribers.
Things You Learn in Therapy +
Exclusive access to premium content!Fear doesn’t keep office hours, and neither do parents. When a child bolts awake from a nightmare or rides the wave of a night terror, the room fills with big feelings, fast decisions, and a deep need for safety. We break down what’s normal, what’s not, and how to respond without making the night longer than it needs to be.
We start by clarifying nightmares versus night terrors so you can match your response to what’s actually happening. Nightmares often come with vivid recall and a child who can talk; night terrors look intense but the child isn’t fully coherent and usually won’t remember. From there, we share comfort-first scripts and sensory anchors that bring the nervous system down: I’m here, you’re safe, let’s look around the room, feel the sheets, listen to the quiet. You’ll hear simple, actionable steps you can use tonight, even on little sleep, to show your child that safety has a voice and a rhythm.
By daylight, we focus on skills. We explore dream journals, small bedtime rituals, and narrative rewrites that help kids change the story and reclaim control. We also talk about the “game changers”—eating, sleeping, seeing, hearing—because basic needs shape behavior more than any sticker chart. When nightmares become frequent or spill into daytime avoidance, we outline what to watch for and how a child‑focused therapist can help. We take a realistic look at culture and co‑sleeping, offering flexible, guilt‑free strategies like a temporary mattress by your bed and gentle fading plans to restore independence when fear subsides.
If your home is in holiday mode with wobbly routines, these tools meet you where you are. Expect practical language, evidence‑informed ideas, and plenty of reassurance that most kids move through this phase with steady support. If this helped you exhale, tap follow, share with a friend who’s up at 2 a.m., and leave a quick review so more caregivers can find calm in the dark.
www.bethtrammell.com
Hello, Ms. Hair. Thanks for tuning in again. My name is Dr. Beth Tremell, and I'm your host. I'm a licensed psychologist and an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I'm also the director of the Masters in Mental Health Counseling program. And my focus is to help adults know how to communicate more effectively with kids to make words matter for good. And, you know, last week uh I shared a little bit about lying. And this week we're going to talk about nightmares and sleep disturbances in our series called, Is This Normal? So if you missed last week's episode, feel free to check that out on lying and what do you do when your kids lie or why are your kids lying. And then next week uh we'll talk about worry. And then we're also going to talk about being a picky eater the following week. So, you know, here's the thing we're stepping into the holidays, and uh, you know, things may get a little bit wonky with your schedule and sleep. And as I was sitting here thinking about what are we gonna talk about um for sleep? Because there's so much to say, and I really wanted to keep these episodes, you know, a little bit shorter. Uh, I know it's a busy time of year, and so having a 40-minute episode is not necessarily one of what I wanted for us uh this time of year. So I picked nightmares and rest assured that if your kid is having trouble sleeping, I'll do another episode in uh in the new year about sleep because you know there are a lot of things to say about sleep. Um, and in fact, it's one of what I call our game changers, you know. Uh, are they eating? Are they sleeping? Can they see, and can they hear? In my book, I talk about those four questions and and answering those four questions before we start saying, Hey, this kid's being a problem, you know, this kid's having a behavior problem. I always ask those questions first before I try to address any behavior issues because we have to make sure that biologically we're getting all the needs met in our kiddos. So nightmares. Is this normal? The short answer is yes. Uh, you know, kids, especially young kids, have nightmares. And you may also experience night terrors with your kid. And I'll talk a little bit about that, the difference between those two, and know that both are very common in childhood and actually can be more disturbing for us as parents than the children themselves. So let's start with the difference between nightmares and night terror. So, the main difference between nightmares and night terrors, um, they they may wake up screaming and yelling and almost seeming very distraught. But the difference between a nightmare and a night terror is their level of sort of awareness or cohesion. So when kids are having a night terror, they may seem terrified, which is how we kind of get that name. They may seem terrified, but they are not really coherent. They can't really answer questions, they can't really connect, you're not really sure. They may be awake, they don't really remember why they're afraid. They just kind of wake up. On the other hand, nightmares are dreams that are scary. And so uh kids often wake up remembering the dream when they have a nightmare. Now, if your kid is experiencing one or the other, um, there's a couple of things that we can do. The first is to realize that our goal at two in the morning, when our kids are waking up terrified or screaming, uh, is to focus on comfort first, right? Remember that our kids are solely focused on safety. And this is all times of day, all times of night. They just want to make sure that you're safe and that they're safe, right? At the at the heart of the matter for them, the things that make the most scared are when they feel unsafe. And so remember that nightmares especially make them feel unsafe. And so our job is not to say things like, oh, don't worry, because they're already worried. So try to focus on I'm here, I'm with you kinds of language. Saying things like I'm right here with you, look around the room. There's nothing, um, there's no bad guys in here, there's no monsters in here. Let's look around, right? I'm here. I'm ready to be, I'm ready to be with you, I'm ready to protect you. Tell me more about the dream. Let's try to lay down together and I'll lay with you until you fall back asleep. Focus on comfort first. And then in the morning, if they want to talk about the nightmare, then you might be able to have some more comforting conversations in the morning. If your child is having very significant nightmares, frequent nightmares that seem to be really distressing for them, even in the daytime, I'd encourage you to first, you know, think about how severe it is impacting their overall functioning. Because if it's really impacting them, it may be time to call, you know, a good therapist who works with kids and specializes in kids. If it's just kind of distressing in the moment and then the next day they seem okay, or maybe it just comes up periodically, then you might actually develop a system around journaling about dreams and nightmares. So um having a dream book next to the bed where they can draw or they can remind themselves that they're safe. Maybe you create a piece of artwork together that hangs over their bed. I've had some parents who create special fragrances that they spray around the room to um kind of serve as a protection against nightmares. Anything that you can do to help reassure your child that they're safe is going to be key. And so that may mean getting extra help. It may mean doing anything that just kind of adds an extra layer of comfort for your child at night. You know, there's a lot of different ideas. Let's say it that way. There's a lot of different ideas about how sleeping should occur, right? We in our culture believe that, you know, everybody should have their own space and co-sleeping isn't something that we should do. But the truth is, many, many, many cultures, many, many families around the world co-sleep all the time. And so, you know, I have a good friend who always reminds me that, you know, anything you're going through right now is is probably going to pass. And um, I had a good friend remind me that, you know, your your kid's not going to sleep in your bed until they're 18. They're going to want to get out of your bed eventually. And I know that that may not make me popular, but if your kid is going through a phase where they're really struggling with nightmares and they want to lay, you know, next to the bed in a little blow-up mattress next to the bed, and it gives everyone a break from waking up at 2 a.m., get good sleep. Get good sleep. Maybe you pull their bed in or pull their mattress in for, you know, a particular day of the week that is really hard. Maybe it's when they come back from staying at grandma's house that they then have some trouble with nightmares. Whatever it's going to take to get good sleep is a good place to start. We can always train them out of needing to sleep in your bed. We can always train them out of needing to sleep in your room. If it's perpetual and it's been a year and a half and they continue to want to sleep in your room, then maybe you call an expert. But the truth is, most often our kids will eventually float back to wanting to be in their bed or in their own space or whatever it might be. So if you are discouraged today, I want to encourage you to know that kids will continue to be resilient as they fight through nightmares, especially. I had a guest on here um maybe a year and a half ago, two years. I don't know. It's the COVID year, so I can't remember. But uh her social is the therapist parent and Kristen, Kristen's her name, she actually wrote a book that uh helps kids with dreams and nightmares. And uh it's it's a strategy called recreating the narrative, right? So she talks in her book that is a parent-child read, right? You're supposed to read it with your kid. She talks in her book about rewriting that narrative and how empowering that can be for kiddos who experience nightmares. So I'll link to that episode here in the show notes. If you want to check that out, she was great. She's from Australia, she's great to listen to. If you follow her on social, she's got a lot of uh great tips too. Her name is Kristen, she's the therapist parent. I hope you found a nugget or two here that will be helpful if your kids are experiencing nightmares or night terrors. And like I said, I will follow up with an episode on sleep because there's a lot to say about that. And until next week, I hope y'all stay safe and stay well. It's getting cold out there. For those of you living in the Midwest like me, uh, winter is here. And for those of you listening in warmer climates, we will just be jealous for a couple of months. So stay well, everyone. Make words matter for good.
