Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep151: From Meltdowns To Meaning: Practical Tools For Preschoolers And Teens
Two parenting seasons, one throughline: regulation before strategy. We dive into the real-world challenges parents face with young kids and teens, unpacking why tantrums are developmentally normal, how to coach emotions without fueling the fire, and the science-backed way to get better listening without repeating yourself a hundred times. If you’ve ever wondered what to say when a child shouts “I hate you” or how to stop a power struggle before it begins, you’ll find practical language you can use today.
We start with early childhood: how to keep your cool during meltdowns, use effective instruction delivery to boost cooperation, and teach sharing, turn-taking, and conflict repair without over-coaching. You’ll learn why “calm down” backfires, how to match expectations to developmental level, and when stepping back actually speeds social learning among peers. The goal isn’t to eliminate big feelings; it’s to build a calm nervous system in you and a growing skill set in your child.
Then we shift to adolescence, where emotions run hot and connection can feel distant. We talk about granting space in the moment, returning to tough topics when everyone’s regulated, and setting clear boundaries that support independence. You’ll hear concrete ways to explain curfews and consequences, avoid win-lose standoffs, and open ongoing conversations about anxiety, depression, and stress. Worried about self-harm? We model how to ask directly and why that question can be life-giving. Throughout, we keep the focus on relationship, clarity, and timing—three levers that quietly transform daily conflict into teachable moments.
If this episode hits home, share it with a friend, subscribe for more conversations like this, and leave a review with the tip you’re trying first. Your feedback helps other parents find the tools they need.
To register for January's preschool session: Why ‘Time-Outs’ Don’t Work (and What to Do Instead) complete this form: https://forms.gle/G4fRAJhQksZzD5CB6
To register for January's teen session: Supporting Mental Health Without Overreacting or Underreacting complete this form: https://forms.gle/DLntY1V1XvvkxCC19
www.bethtrammell.com
Hello, listener. Welcome back. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremau, and this is Things You Learn in Therapy. I am excited about today's episode with you, where we're going to talk about some of the biggest struggles that parents face at sort of the early years sort of level, right? So early childhood, we consider anywhere between birth and eight years old. I often call them preschoolers, even though some of those kiddos are in kindergarten, first, and second grade. And we're also going to talk about teenagers. And so I am a psychologist. I am a professor of psychology at Indiana University East, where I'm the director of the Master's Mental Health Counseling Program. And I also just love to help people, parents, teachers, just really any kind of grown-up who wants to make words matter for good. That's kind of my philosophy, is to be intentional about the things we say and the things we do to build connection with the people around us. And that includes your kids and teenagers. And, you know, I think I get a lot of questions from folks around really specific things, right? Anger, teenage years, tantrums. And so I am kind of stepping into that space with you today, trying to answer some of those questions. And if you don't have any questions today about those things, uh you may still benefit from today's conversation because maybe you have a friend who needs this information. Maybe you have a son or daughter who is raising kids because now you get to be grandma, but you might want to share some of this information with someone else you know. So I would welcome you to share, comment, like, send me a message if any of this was helpful. So let's dig in. So I am kind of breaking this down into kind of the top three parenting struggles. We're going to start with preschoolers or those parents who have kids in the early childhood range. So eight years old and younger, although some of our kids, um, it's less about their chronological age and more about their emotional maturity. And so some 10-year-olds may benefit from some of this conversation. So, you know, if I think back to my um clinical experience over the last two decades, there are kind of two key things that parents always came in saying were a problem for uh them and their child. And the first was listening. It's actually the thing that prompted me to start doing parenting workshops, to write my bookslash manual, is parents came in saying, my kid doesn't listen to me and I don't know what to do. That was the first complaint. And the second complaint was my kid seems really angry and I don't know what to do, right? My kid is having major meltdowns and I don't know what to do. And so we're gonna break both of those down first. So managing big behaviors like tantrums, meltdowns, whining, complaining, those things that are most likely to dysregulate us as parents are really at the heart of what we want to try to manage well early. And so if we can teach our bodies how to stay regulated when our kids are two and three and five years old, as our kids grow and get older, we already have this foundation laid both within our own bodies and then our ability to train them on what they want or what they need to do with their big emotions. And so the truth about preschoolers is that their tantrums are normal, normal, normal. I've actually created a few um mini courses about this. I have a little nine dollar um video plus cheat sheet about what to say during tantrums called Say This, not that, because I often have parents who are like, what am I supposed to say when they scream and yell, I hate you and you're a bad mommy. When they are having these big emotions, these big tantrums, it is normal for them because they're still learning emotion regulation, they're still learning boundaries, they're still learning vocabulary, they're still learning all of these things. And so it's normal for them to have kind of this big explosive thing happen. And so I want you to hear first that your kid is not bonkers, right? If they're having tantrums, even tantrums every day, right? So our first goal to remember is that we don't, we're never gonna, we're not really gonna be able to eliminate tantrums altogether during this phase. And in fact, we don't necessarily want to eliminate them altogether because our job as a parent during this phase is to learn how to navigate these things with our kids. And so it's about learning in my body and my brain how can I step into this and help my child calm without saying calm down, because that's gonna trigger them. And that's a part of the cheat sheet, but it's also about teaching them what they can do and say when they have those big emotions. And so it's really okay for you to feel overwhelmed or unsure during this phase with big emotions, but I encourage you to kind of seek reflection first, right? What is it in me that is triggered when my kid starts whining? What is it in me that is triggered when my kid has a meltdown in the middle of the store? Right? We have to pause to develop that insight so that we can then step into whatever our parenting strategy is going to be. Getting kids to listen was a, I mean, it would, if I would look on the intake form and I had a kiddo who was coming to me for therapy, almost always the box of my kid doesn't listen well would be checked, right? And so getting kids to listen is actually a science, right? There is a science to giving good instructions and to getting compliance. We've studied compliance for quite some time now in our field. And so this is actually at the heart of the cooperation code that I have available on my website. It basically walks you through how to build relationships quickly every day with your child so that they will want to listen well. But then also it teaches those moments exactly what to say and how to say it. So there is a science around what we call effective instruction delivery, EID. And effective instruction delivery includes some really specific steps, specific steps that actually aren't that hard to do. They just are, again, about being intentional with what we're saying and what we're doing with our bodies to meet your child's developmental level. Right. So sometimes we say and do things that are not at their level, or we have expectations for our kids that aren't at their developmental level. And that's really critical during this preschool phase. So getting them to listen is the key to decreasing adult frustration. And when we have less frustration, we tend to be better at getting the right parenting strategies in front of us, right? So what I would see is kind of this downward spiral is that kids wouldn't listen, parents would have to repeat themselves a hundred times, and then parents would get frustrated, and then we would kind of start this downward spiral around then making continued parenting decisions that weren't necessarily in alignment with what our parenting values or our parenting philosophies really are. And so early in my career, that was what I focused on was teaching parents relationship building and effective instruction delivery to decrease frustration and increase connection. When we can decrease in frustration and increase connection, we have more likelihood that our kids are going to listen to us when we ask them to do things or when we have things that we need them to do. The last thing during this preschool phase that I see a lot of is supporting and teaching additional social emotional skills. So we want our kids to be able to be around their peers, right? We want to get them ready for kindergarten. We want to get them ready for social interactions. And I think sometimes we get kind of nervous about does my kid know all that they need to know? Am I training them the right way on how to share, how to take turns, how to manage their frustration, how to navigate conflict with their peers. How do I do all of this well when I don't even know? Um, well, I'll just say it, I guess. I'm not even sure if I'm doing that well in my own life, right? I talk, I have lots of workshops on navigating uh conflict. I have uh lots of conversations with folks on social connection and how do we build friendships and maintain friendships. And so when it feels like we're not quite sure if we're doing this well on our own, if then we're asked to train our kids on how to do this, sometimes that can feel really overwhelming. And so, um, and actually, one last thing here, I think sometimes we also feel like we need to parent everything and we need to solve everything. And sometimes the best learning for our kids at this age happens when they're with their peers and they have to figure it out on their own. And so sometimes we just kind of get in the way of their own learning at this phase. And if we would just step back and kind of pause, you might be surprised at how your child is actually able to navigate many things on their own. You know, I do a lot of consultation in preschools, and I go in and I watch kids that are four, five, sometimes even three-year-olds, are able to navigate conflict, are able to navigate sharing and um tolerating people in their space really well. And so sometimes we need to just step back and let that happen. So if you are a parent of a preschooler, if you know a parent of a preschooler, you are not alone in these struggles. Now, if you also have teenagers, or if you're a parent of a teenager, you may be struggling with slightly different issues, right? So, really common issues that I've had parents share with me are uh communication breakdowns and kind of feeling emotionally distant, right? Where their kid, um, their teenager is uh just sort of withdrawn. They seem like they don't care about anything, they are avoiding conversation, they talk to other people more than they talk to you. It's really common during the teenage years to be struggling with knowing how to communicate with parents as they're stepping into wanting more independence, wanting to feel like they can do things on their own. But really, at the heart of uh what's happening for your teenager is that they often really struggle with knowing how to express how they're feeling. And actually, some of us, even as grown-ups, still really struggle to know how to um to express how we're feeling, right? Our emotional vocabulary, our emotional literacy is just still not all that developed. So it's okay that they sometimes struggle and they say, I don't know how I'm feeling. Or when you ask them, like, what's wrong? and they say, I don't actually know. They're not necessarily trying to be um distant. Sometimes they just literally don't know. And the way their bodies are going through changes during puberty may include some pretty quick emotional changes and really heightened sensitivity to certain conversations that they worry or that they perceive are going to trigger emotions in them that they don't want to deal with. Right. So I think about uh the um movie with the emotions, I think it's called Inside Out, maybe it's the second version where Riley is in puberty, and I love the scene in that movie where the um the emoji folks are like at the the kind of motherboard that they're controlling Riley's emotions and they like crank it all the way up. That's actually what happens for our teenagers. I just giggle to myself when I watch that because it is so true that there are moments with teenagers where you're like, wow, I did not realize that was going to be such a big deal, but it really is a big deal to them. And they're not being dramatic. That's actually normal development for them to be like really sensitive to particular things. Now, you are able to talk them through that, but in this moment right now, when they are really heightened in their sensitivity, now's not your moment, right? You have to just sort of like allow that space, fix your face, don't trigger them and make it worse. Just allow them to like have their moment and then say, okay, I can see that this is really um, I can see this is really important to you. I can see this is really touchy for you. I'm gonna kind of take a step back. If you want to talk more about that, I would love to hear about it. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too. Right? Our teenagers need permission to not have to dig into all the things all the time on our timeline. Sometimes it takes them time to process. So communicating those um emotional moments can be really hard. I think the second thing I think about for teenagers is balancing independence with boundaries, right? So, as parents of teenagers, we have sort of this desire for our kids to develop independence. And we might even say things like, well, you're 16 now, you should be able to fill in the blank. And I think that that is really true and common. And hopefully you have been setting some of those precedents earlier on so that it's not like all of a sudden they're 16 and now you have all these expectations of them. But even if that's true, it is um it's something that we can do to ease this tension if we, when our kids are regulated, when our teenagers are regulated, we can have this conversation about independence and boundaries. So, hey, so yesterday we were talking about how you wanted to stay out until 1 a.m. I want to talk about uh, you know, balancing this independence with you. I want you to be able to have more time with your friends. And also, here is our boundary, right? Our boundary is that your curfew is going to be 11:30. Here's why, right? Explain to them why. Now, this is your moment to teach about your parenting philosophy when they are calm, when they are regulated. When you have um, when you get into those moments of power struggles, it's usually around freedom, curfews, responsibilities, decision making, right? Like, why did you make that decision? And then we get into this power struggle back and forth. You don't want to get into power struggles. It is not something that we are here to win or lose. Instead, our job is to be able to have conversations around those uh those kind of issues again when our kids are regulated or engaged. And the last thing I want to talk about for teenagers is you know, our teens are growing up in a time and place where mental health and stress and pressure around performing well in all areas of their life are really at the forefront for them, right? So they are really aware of mental health issues and also they are not necessarily aware of how those mental health issues impact them. It's it's like this um sort of interesting uh conundrum for our teenagers is that there's more, there's a bigger platform right now toward mental health, mental wellness, but our teenagers' brains aren't developed enough to actually see how that translates to them. And so I think parents of teenagers often worry about anxiety and depression, self-esteem issues, kind of the ups and downs of puberty. We also know that peers influence this a lot and expectations that they put on themselves or that they perceive peers or other people are putting on them also really impacts their mental health. And so, as parents, the best advice I can share with you here is to try to have open dialogue about these things. And so you might start by asking them, you know, what do they think their own mental wellness looks like? What would mental health look like for you? What are you seeing on social media about mental health, about stress? What do you know about those things? I think it's also fair for us if we have uh About our kids hurting themselves, it's okay to ask them. Um, and in fact, I would encourage you to ask them are you having thoughts of hurting yourself? There are lots of crisis resources out there in every community, and um just don't believe the myth that if you ask about it, you're planting a seed. Please, please hear me say that if you have suspicions or if you're worried, open the door and ask have you had thoughts of hurting yourself? Have you had thoughts of suicide? I have lots of resources. There are lots of resources out there about how to talk to your teenager about uh suicide, but just know that asking about it is going to be the best thing you can do to open the door for your child to feel supported by you. If you are interested in digging deeper into any of these topics, I actually have some free workshops coming up. Uh actually, this weekend is the first team workshop, and uh this coming Monday is the first preschoolers workshop. Um, these are free, 30 minutes, low-key, no participation required. Um, you know, you can just kind of come and sit with us, have your pajamas on, have your high bun going. That would be how I would show up. But just come and feel supported by some uh kind of different ideas that might resonate with you. So if any of this resonated with you and you want to kind of learn more, uh, I will let you know. The registration is on my website, bethremel.com. On upcoming events, you will find links to uh the virtual workshops. There are um topics listed there. This month's teen session, um, Sunday, January 11th at 8 p.m. is supporting mental health without overreacting or underreacting. And um the Monday at 10 a.m. preschool parents topic is why timeouts don't work and what to do instead. If you know someone that might benefit from those, could you share this? Could you share the information with them? It's free, it's 30 minutes, it's very low-key, and my hope is that it'll be very informative and transformative for you or anyone that you invite. Hey listener, I am glad you are here. I know I say this a lot, but it doesn't make it any less meaningful that you are either a new listener or a faithful listener. And um, until next week, friend, ciao.
