Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
What To Say When Emotions Run High
In case you missed it, I'm reposting this episode because it seems to come up over and over and over. Even if you've listened before, maybe hearing it again will bring fresh light.
Ever say the “right thing” and watch it land the wrong way? We unpack three phrases that sound supportive but often sting—calm down, everything happens for a reason, and let me know if you need anything—and trade them for language that actually regulates, validates, and helps. Drawing on real-world therapy experience, we explain why timing and purpose matter more than perfect wording, and how to align what you say with what the moment needs.
We start by exploring how high emotions change what people can hear. Instead of commanding feelings, we focus on co-regulation and presence: I’m here with you, I hear you, let’s take a breath together. You’ll learn simple de-escalation scripts for anger and anxiety, how to avoid accidentally shaming someone for not being “in control,” and when to keep words minimal and concrete if safety is a concern.
Then we tackle platitudes. Meaning-making has a place, but not at the peak of pain. We share alternatives that invite story and honor timing: that sounds really hard, what else happened, where does it hurt most today. Finally, we replace vague offers with specific, doable help that people can accept without planning energy: I can bring dinner Thursday or Saturday; I’ll text Friday to check in; I can watch the kids for two hours this weekend. These small changes turn good intentions into real support.
If you’re ready to make your words matter for good, press play for clear phrases, practical tools, and a kinder way to show up. Subscribe, share with a friend who’s a natural fixer, and leave a quick review telling us which phrase you’re swapping out this week.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, please contact 988 or seek a treatment provider in your area.
If you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6
Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
www.bethtrammell.com
Welcome back to Things You Learn Therapy. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremell. I'm a licensed psychologist and an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University East. I'm also the director of the Masters in Mental Health Counseling program. And today's episode is about things you shouldn't say to one another. So Monday I shared a few different things that we shouldn't say to our kids for some unhelpful things that we say to kids and other things that we could say instead. And today I want to talk a little bit about kind of unhelpful things that we say to one another as grown-ups. And these would also apply to things we say to kids, but uh I thought I'd share a couple of things here. So in general, the things I'm going to share are not necessarily by themselves the worst things to say, but really it's about the timing and the purpose of why we're saying these things. So most often our unhelpful things come when someone we're around is in a high emotional state. And so that might mean they're really happy, they're really sad, they're really embarrassed, they're grieving, they're hurt, they're, you know, any kind of emotional state, right? And then this is when we usually say things that just really aren't the most helpful things. And like I said, you might say these things outside of this context, and it may not be the worst thing to say, but what I want to do is help you to make words matter for good. And so I would like to give you alternative ways of meeting the goal that you're trying to meet, but without being pretty unhelpful, right? So the first thing that is unhelpful that we say to one another is calm down. There are very, well, okay, I guess I should say it this way. If a person is actually, even as I'm thinking this all the way through, I was starting to think, right, when someone is angry and you say calm down, it almost never works. I mean, it just almost never works, y'all. Like people do not want to hear calm down. What they want to hear is, I am here with you. I know you're upset, I know you're angry, but our push for them to calm down is more about our discomfort with the way they are showing their anger than with our true desire to kind of meet them where they are. Now, if a person is becoming violent, they're screaming, they're, you know, maybe a danger to themselves or someone else, even then, we've got to find another way to try to help de-escalate them without using the words calm down, right? So you might say, like, let's take a breath together. I know you're really angry. I hear you, I hear what you're saying, I can hear, and I can see how angry you are. I'm here for you, right? And you just have to get them to this place of not being angry by trying to do some de-escalation statements like that. Now, if they're really anxious and you're saying calm down, I still don't think there are many people who are actually gonna say, you know what, you're right, I'm gonna calm down right now because when someone is really anxious, it feels like they don't have control over their anxiety. And by you saying calm down, you are assuming your message to them is that they have control over their anxiety. And that is not only offensive, but it's hurtful. And so, though you might not think all the way through what these two little words, right? Calm down, these two little words may not actually, you might not think how much meaning they have. But if a person is in a high state of emotion, either really angry, really sad, really anxious, emotions are not things that we can easily control. And in fact, I would argue that we cannot control them at all. We can control our behaviors and we can select new thoughts that may be perpetuating our emotions, but I can't just tell myself to be sad right now. Can't tell myself just be happy right now. I can't make myself turn into those emotional states. So instead of saying things like calm down, use more joining statements like I'm here with you, what do you need? I am ready to chat whenever you want to chat. Let's take some deep breaths together. Your focus is to try to get them regulated and let them know that you are there with them to help regulate them. The second unhelpful thing that we share with other people is everything happens for a reason. Y'all, I was raised hearing these words. I've probably said these words to my own kids, to friends of mine before I kind of learned better, right? When someone is upset about something, we think I'm providing hope to them by saying, Well, everything happens for a reason. So this thing that my friend is suffering with, I want them to know that this suffering is only temporary. And so I'm gonna say, well, everything happens for a reason. And the truth is, people just don't hear it that way. Now, you might be a person who's like, look, Beth, I've had somebody say that to me, and that's actually what I believe. I do believe everything happens for a reason. And that might be true. You might actually believe that. But in the moment of your suffering, right? You lost your job, you had a breakup, you experienced a loss of some of something or someone. That moment isn't the moment to say everything happens for a reason. Because what you're sort of saying is everything happens for a reason, so suck it up and move on. Or everything happens for a reason, so you should stop being upset about this, right? The continuation of that statement is the thing that is unhelpful to most people. Instead, we want to draw out from folks that we care about, right? So if something is happening to someone, something bad happens, something you know was upsetting to them, you can say, tell me how it feels, right? You could say, wow, that sounds really hard. What else happened? Or your your goal is to try to draw it out of them instead of just saying, well, move on. Everything happens for a reason, right? You know, there's a whole list of what are called platitudes, right? And essentially platitudes are just sayings that we tend to say to people, you know, when we're sort of trying to make some sort of vague or kind of hallmark statement, right? And I'm gonna link to um a Headspace article that I found in kind of thinking about, yeah, what are a lot of the things we say and things that I've heard from clients or in my own life when people have said things to me that I'm like, that's actually not that helpful. Um, you know, a couple of other ones that you'll see, you know, we should hang out sometime. It's a very vague statement that saying uh to other people is just not that helpful. Let me know if you need anything. You know, I asked a couple of friends of mine to tell me what some of the most, you know, unhelpful things are that people have said to them. And this one actually came up a lot. Everything happens for a reason. And let me know if you need anything were two of the most common things that people said to me. And I think this idea of, you know, let me know if you need anything is really tricky interpersonally because for the most part, almost every one of us has said this, right? Let me know if you need anything. Someone's struggling, they're grieving, something is a major life change of somebody that you care about. And you really do want to know if there's something you can do to help them. And so you say, Let me know if you need anything. Uh the tricky thing is it isn't always true that you are going to be available to help them if they do need anything. And so I think this comes back to what I had mentioned at the beginning of this episode. Think about what is your goal and what your communication is. And so when I say to a friend or to someone who's struggling, let me know if you need anything. My goal is to let them know that I'll be thinking of them. The goal is to say, hey, what is it that you think you need? Or would you mind if I called you, you know, later this week to see if there was anything you need? Those things would be more true to my goal in that situation. And so I tend to encourage folks to think more about what is your goal? What do you really want them to know in this communication? And maybe that is, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no idea what it would feel like to experience this. Maybe you just want to share your condolences. Maybe you want them to know that you believe they're strong and that you you couldn't imagine a loss like this, or you want to be praying for them, or you want to send them a meal. Um, you know, there are a lot of ways that you can support people without having to say, well, let me know if you need anything. So I encourage you to think about the things you say a lot. I encourage you to read the uh Headspace article that I've added here to the uh description because there are definitely things that I've heard and I think are great. And frankly, sidebar, I do like the Headspace app. Um, it's a really good meditation app for anybody who uses it. I uh am not getting paid to say that, uh, but I uh do like to talk about things that matter and I think are helpful. So um check those things out. If there are any things that you think, hey, this is a pretty unhelpful thing and it's not on this list and it's not one I talked about. Shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you. Love to chat about it on the next episode or another episode. And uh until next week, I hope you have a great weekend, uh, a great day whenever it is that you're listening to this episode. I just thank you for being here. I hope that uh over time you are getting some useful nuggets out of each episode. And I just really value that you take some time out of your day to listen in. So I am still recording uh other episodes with lots of really cool folks. I recorded another one today. I'm not gonna tell you about it yet, but you are gonna love um so many of the guests that I've got coming on here in August and September. So be on the lookout for that. And uh yeah, hope you have a great day. Until next time, make your words matter for good, stay safe and stay well.
