Ep 90: The Impact of Our Words on Children: Rethinking Parental Language

Ever found yourself at your wit's end, labeling your child's less-than-angelic moment with a word like 'brat'? Listen in as we dissect why this seemingly innocuous term should be dropped from our parental language. This episode promises a transformative journey as we unravel the complex tapestry of language and its impact on our little ones. Discover the deep-seated effects of our frustrated outbursts and why they might be doing more harm than you'd think.

 We're taking a hard look at how our words shape our children's self-perception and exploring alternative expressions that nurture instead of hinder. By the end of our time together, you'll have a toolkit brimming with strategies to foster those precious connections with your children, while guiding their behavior in a way that's as respectful as it is effective. Join us for an eye-opening conversation that's about to change the dialogue in homes everywhere.

This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
 
 Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:08

Hey everyone , welcome back to our Kids these Dades podcast . My name is Dr Beth Tramel , I'm a licensed psychologist and I spend a lot of time talking with parents and teachers and caregivers about how to make words matter for good . So I talk a lot about behavioral and communication strategies to really get our kids to do the things we need them to do , but really also connecting with our kids in a way that's meaningful and helpful . And today I want to talk about one specific word that I would love to just eliminate from all of our vocabularies . Really , right , I would like that we would never use this word when we are engaging with kids ever again , actually and that is the word brat . Brat , such a small little word , but often used . I hear it a lot when I'm out in public and whether it's the word brat , or maybe you're a person who uses the word jerk to kind of describe your kid or their behavior , and I want to talk a little bit about how that impacts your kid and other ways that you can communicate what's really going on with your kid to really be a better situation for you in the long run . So I hear this a lot where parents will say , well , I didn't actually call him a brat . I said he was acting like a brat and it's the same thing . Like we can't pretend , like our kids don't hear you're acting like a brat and they don't actually take in I am a brat . And if you don't believe me , try practicing with someone near you and say you know you're acting like a baby and then ask them what did you hear ? Over and over again , they will reflect back to you . They'll say I heard you calling me a baby . It's just so the way our brains work . We just eliminate those first parts and we personalize it , because that's just how our brains work , our relationships work . So even if you're saying you're acting like a fill in the blank , I promise you what your kids are hearing is mommy or daddy think I'm a brat . So just pause there and I'm going to give you some new language here . So hold on with me .

Speaker 1 2:43

So why do we call our kids a brat ? Let's start with that . There's two reasons really why we would call our kids a brat or a jerk or whatever , and the first is that we don't like their behavior at that given moment . Right , they are doing something that we don't want them to do or that we don't like that they are doing , okay ? Second is that typically we call our kids a brat when we are frustrated , right ? So if you're feeling frustrated and you don't like what your kids are doing , that's usually when things start flying out of our mouths that you're just being a brat , or you're being a baby , or you're just a jerk . Fill in the blank , right ? I want for us to do something else instead , because here's why that's a problem .

Speaker 1 3:36

Next , it doesn't communicate with your child what's really going on . So remember , I said , when we say you're acting like a brat , what they hear is mom thinks I'm a brat , but that's not actually what's going on , right ? What's going on is I don't like what my kid is doing and I'm frustrated . Do you see how those two messages are not at all the same ? So it's a real problem when we say you're being a brat , because it doesn't communicate what's really going on in our relationship with our child in that very moment . The second reason it's a problem and this may be a tough thing to hear , and I've had to kind of have some moments with myself where if someone said to me the thing that I said to my kid in that moment , I probably wouldn't respond well either . So think about a moment where someone called you a name . So maybe they said you're being a jerk , or you're being dramatic , or you're being emotional . Often we don't respond well when someone says that to us , and so if we want our kids to respond differently or better , saying they're being a brat is not going to be the way to do that , because none of us respond well when someone calls us a name , and that's really what is happening when we're saying you're being a brat .

Speaker 1 5:03

The third reason why it's a problem is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for our kids , which means if we're calling them a brat one or two or 28 times , guess how they're going to continue to behave Right , it's almost like we're speaking that truth to them , even though it's not what we want . So it has this kind of backwards effect that we think , by calling them that they're going to change their behavior . We have this erroneous belief that saying you're being a brat right now you need to do something else , it's actually going to change their behavior , and what it does is the exact opposite . Not to mention that this is a shaming message . Right , that we are calling them a brat , not , hey , I don't like how you're behaving and I want you to change right . That is something that can be really helpful for our kids Because , remember , they're looking to us to teach them how to behave in all the moments of their lives .

Speaker 1 6:08

Yeah , some of the moments they can generalize oh , okay , well , I'm when I'm at the dentist , I can't jump on the furniture . When I'm at the doctors , I can't jump on the furniture . When I'm at home , I can't jump on the furniture . So we don't have to teach them every single thing in every single moment , but when your kids are not acting appropriately , it may be that they really don't know how to behave in that situation at that specific moment , with those specific variables happening at that time .

Speaker 1 6:40

Now , some of you may be rolling your eyes and saying , oh okay , they know what is right and what is wrong . Yes , they do . But don't we also , even as as grown-ups with really great brain development , sometimes do the wrong thing in that moment ? Right , there are many times where I've made the wrong choice , even though I knew what the right choice was . So we have to have some grace there for our kids because , one , their brain's not fully developed and , two , they don't have the same level of self-monitoring and self-regulation that we have . So , as you are working to help your kid know how to behave , please know that when we call them a bread , it doesn't do any of the things that we want it to do . So what do we do instead ? Okay , so what do we do instead ? Instead , we tell them exactly what's happening in the relationship right now .

Speaker 1 7:43

So you might start by saying John , I don't like your behavior right now . I am frustrated that I told you yesterday that you can't jump on the couch and now you're jumping on the couch again . I'm frustrated by that . I feel disrespected that you're not listening to what I told you . You could say any of those things and that gives a clearer picture for your kid and what is really going on . Then you have to give them the alternative behavior that you expect .

Speaker 1 8:15

I think sometimes we forget that our kids don't always know what all the expectations are of them . So you have to give them the alternative behavior of what you expect them to do . So you say , after you kind of explain how you're feeling , or after you explain what you don't like about their behavior , then you have to tell them what it is you expect . So then you could say something like what I expect is that when I tell you you have to sit on the couch , that you will sit on the couch , that I won't come in and find you jumping on the couch again . So you see how it's kind of a two-part process . The first is to tell them what's going on right , that you don't like their behavior , that you know they can do better , that you're feeling frustrated by it , and then give them the expectations again .

Speaker 1 9:04

Now this brings up another point for me that I have to remind myself of and that I often remind parents of that sometimes our expectations are not actually in alignment with what really is appropriate for our kids , right ? We can't expect that they are going to behave beautifully all the time , because that's just what kids do , right ? They live their lives pushing the limits . They live their lives learning boundaries , by expanding the boundaries of what they can and can't do . And , if we're being real fair here , their life is about play and fun .

Speaker 1 9:48

So when you hear your kids jumping on the couch for the 78th time , you have to also realize that jumping on the couch is fun . Okay , so you can share the expectation of it's not okay that you jump on the couch . It's absolutely fine to have that expectation to not jump on the couch , but then you also have to probably give them another alternative behavior that is fun , because sitting on the couch , let me tell you , is not that fun . So , as you're sharing the expectation in that second part , it is my expectation is that you will sit on the couch . And if you want to have fun , how about we do this or that or this , right ? We can't just give them an alternative that is not serving the same purpose , right ? Because they're jumping on the couch because they want to have fun . So we have to share the expectation about what the couch behavior should look like , but then give an alternative that actually is fun or playful . Or I will engage with you , I will play with you , doing this or that or this after I make dinner , or something like that , right ?

Speaker 1 11:00

So , hopefully , this has been just a couple of quick tips about how to reshape the way that we talk to our kids about their behavior and please , please , try to catch yourself before you start calling your kid a brat or a jerk or whatever it is . As always , I'd invite you to follow on our website , makewordsmatterforgoodcom , and on Facebook , where I do most of the posting and sharing of different tips and tricks . Facebook is MWM , makewords Matter , mwm with Kids . Okay , until next time , see ya .