Ep180: Snoring, Eye Masks, And Other Dorm Survival Tools

Dorm life has a way of turning tiny things into huge feelings. One light left on, one late-night study session, one unexpected snore, and suddenly you’re exhausted, irritated, and wondering how you’re supposed to live with a stranger in a shoebox-sized room. Maya and I talk honestly about that reality as she gets ready for college, with a focus on the everyday roommate conflicts that hit hardest when sleep is off and stress is high.

We dig into practical college roommate communication skills that actually hold up at 2 a.m.: how to name what you’re feeling without making it the other person’s fault, how to stop internalizing someone else’s bad mood, and how to build emotional intelligence by rating emotions instead of treating them as all-or-nothing. We also get specific about boundaries and “netiquette” for emailing professors, including the difference between helpful context and oversharing personal details.

Then we land on two simple conflict resolution tools you can use right away: leaving a few unimportant things unsaid each day, and the rule that if something still bothers you after 24 hours, you talk about it within the next 72. If you’re navigating college transitions, dorm room life, or roommate tension, this one gives you language, options, and a way to protect the relationship without ignoring your needs. Subscribe for more, share this with a student or parent, and leave a review with your best roommate survival tip.

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Transcript

Welcome And The College Transition

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, my friend, and welcome back to Things You Learn in Therapy. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremell, I'm a psychologist, and I love having real conversations about things. And my focus is to make words matter, and I'm glad you're here. I am continuing my conversation with my lovely daughter, Maya, as she prepares to leave for college. And last week's conversation, I felt like posting one longer episode, especially if you're trying to listen to any of these episodes with your child, might have been a little long. And so I am separating this part of the conversation into three smaller chunks. And so this first chunk, this part of the episode, we're talking about one of the biggest adjustments that comes with college, learning how to share your space in your life with another person. So we talk about sleep and snoring and different schedules and irritation and compromise and what to do when something bothers you. And because roommate conflict is rarely just about the fan, the lights, or the mess, it's often about how we communicate when we are tired, uncomfortable, and still learning one another. I wanted to share a few really specific examples on this part of the episode. And so hopefully you will gain a little bit of insight there. Just a brief rule or kind of simple guideline to figure out what to let go of and what needs to be addressed. That's where we're going today. Let's go ahead and get into it. All right, enjoy. You're back. You were kind of required. Yeah, but I was going to. You you kind of liked it. Yeah. I liked last time. It was good. Okay, it was good. Uh okay. So

Excitement And Nerves Can Coexist

SPEAKER_00 1:41

we're gonna talk about some things from the last time, and then we're gonna talk about some new things. So last time I asked you, um, you know, what are you most excited about? And I'm curious if that's changed. What are you most excited about now?

SPEAKER_01 1:58

I don't think it's changed. I think last time I said I was excited for volleyball and making new friends, and I think that's still true. I'm still excited for volleyball. We just got our schedule, like our practice schedule, um, yesterday, so it made me more excited.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

We have a lot to do, so I think I will be really busy.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

I like to be busy.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

And in the spirit of practicing feeling more than one emotion at one time. Yeah, true. I was like, what else are you feeling?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

I was a little bit nervous about like the work, not the workload. Well, we kind of the workload of like we have like two practices a day and lift and like a lot of games. So I was kind of feeling nervous about that, but I'm also excited. So those are the two that I've had to navigate, but I am not really like as nervous as I am excited. Like they're not both simultaneously really strong. I feel like how we talked about last time. Like, I'm a little nervous, but I know that it'll be fine because I've already done it before.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

So

Rating Feelings To Build Awareness

SPEAKER_00 2:59

it's um I'm so glad you bring this up because another thing that I talk with people about and I try to think about myself sometimes is feelings aren't just like yes or no, like feelings are a range. And so I sometimes, as I'm like helping people understand emotion and developing stronger emotional intelligence, for example, is thinking about like what level you are. So, like what level excited are you on a scale of one to ten? Ten being like, I am the most excited I've ever been in my whole life. And like what level nervous are you?

SPEAKER_01 3:41

I would say I'm level eight excited and probably like level four nervous.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Yeah. So that's something that you know, as you get into situations in life, it's okay, well, this is like I'm an anxious level seven about this, or you know, I'm an excited level four, or I'm a happy level two, you know, like just a little bit. I think sometimes that helps both you and then eventually like the person that you live with or you love or you spend a lot of time with, right? Because if you're always like, oh, I'm just tired all the time, like people are just you're more than just tired. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Netiquette And Emailing Professors

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Sidebar for emotional intelligence. Okay, so we kind of ended last time with talking about netiquette.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Yeah. And you were gonna look it up and you were gonna learn about it. And I told you to write down three things, and I do this with a lot of my college students, um, also is to have them kind of jot down three things that really matter to them. I don't expect a person to remember every single thing there is to remember about every single thing. But if you can remember three things about something important, then that feels pretty good. So, what did you teach us? What you learned?

SPEAKER_01 4:58

So I looked it up, I just looked up the word and it was just telling me definitions, like the definition, and then it said, Well, I wrote down was it said some examples of a good Netiquit include. And I wrote down use clear and polite language, be respectful. And then another one was do not spam or send unnecessary messages. Another one was respect others' privacy and do not share too much personal information. And then there's like don't type in all caps and like other stuff like that, but those are the main ones that I thought I got from it.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Yeah, I think that's good. And I think the the last one that you read about um, you know, sharing some parts, but not too much. I think that line is a tricky line to find for some people, right? Especially for college students who so last time we talked about going to class, right? And I said, you have to go to class, and you were like, of course I'm gonna go. And then there's gonna be moments where, like if you're sick or if something comes up, then my advice to you was to email your professor. And this is where it becomes tricky. So for students who are struggling, I want to know as your professor, you know, what's going on, but I don't actually want to know all of the details of all of the things, of all the things that are happening for you, you know? So sharing enough that um tells your professor what's going on, but not so much that you're like vomiting all your emotion onto your professor. Yeah, that makes sense. So, like, hey, I woke up and I'm really not feeling well. I'll get the notes from a classmate, I'll see you next time in class. That would be a fine thing to say. Dear Beth, don't call your instructor by their first name. Yeah, unless they give you permission. Hey Beth, I woke up and I've had diarrhea all night and I've thrown up three times. Too much. Yeah, I would never say that. Too much, too much. Hey Beth, I'm having a trauma response because I was filling the blank, right? Too much. Your professors, that's something that you need to tell a therapist, not your professors. So I'm saying this to you and to everyone, because sometimes I get emails from students that I'm like, it's too much. Yeah, I don't want it all that. So great. Okay, so you're gonna start using netiquette. You kind of already have a and the difference between typing an email and typing a text message.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

I mean, yeah, one is formal and one isn't okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

What yes, once you're texting your professor, which you probably want to be. No, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Most professors don't really it has been different though, because um my counselor, IUND, actually has a text number.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Yeah. I think that's true. Some places do. Um, it's not their personal text number. Like I have a professional number, it's a Google number that basically comes to my my personal phone. But I usually tell students that I still expect like professional writing. I don't want them to necessarily like hi, you know, although most of them still do. Hi, Dr. Tremel. I was working on this assignment and I had a quick question for you. Can you answer this quick question?

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

I've had that happen before, but I still want them to call me Dr. Tremel. I still want them to spell my name right, yeah, and I still want them to be concise in their question for me. Okay.

Sleep Conflicts And Snoring Reality

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Okay, let's talk for a second about conflict. So we started talking last time about kind of the physical space of you and your roommate. We talked about kind of your everyday living things, right? And like the things that you need to kind of live your life. And I'm thinking about two specific situations, and both of them revolve around sleep. Look at your face. You know where this is going. So sleep is a critical part of life, and especially being an athlete. Period. Yeah. So getting good sleep is going to be really critical. And I think there are a lot of things that could go wrong in those situations when you're living in a room with another person, right? So, what situations come to your mind before I share some of my ideas?

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Well, the first one is definitely that I cannot do snoring. Like, never ever in my life have I been able like been able to tolerate snoring. Like, I will just cry all night until it's over and I fall asleep. So we actually did talk about this already because Grace did tell me that she does sometimes snore. And I was like, Oh my goodness. But she says it's only when she's sick, and I don't know what the plan is really when that happens.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Well, what is your plan?

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Probably just like white noise on my phone sometimes helps, or like putting the fan right next to me. I like can't hear it over the fan, or um making her stay up until I fall asleep and then she can fall asleep.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

That might be rude, but yes. Okay, I love that you have already started to come up with some solutions because I know that that is something very specific to you, although there might be other people who really struggle with snoring. I think you know, earplugs exist. They don't they don't drawn everything out, but that might be enough. But I think this is a this is a good scenario to start with because she isn't choosing to snore. Like she can't control this, yeah, right. So you're gonna have to figure out how to deal with your own stuff. I was trying not to say words. Yeah. So I think that's one of the first things for you to think about when we're having conflict, or if you're irritated with the person you're living with, or frankly, this is true, like just in friendships in general, right? Is like if you're mad at a person for something they can't control, you just probably need to get over it. Yeah. So I think it starts then this question within side of you, right? To say, do I value my relationship with her over the anger that I feel for her thing that she can't control? And obviously, we value the relationship with her, but it is going to take like intentional effort for you not to be mad at her. Yeah. So how do you think you can do that?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

I mean, I don't know. Probably just think about like what you just said. I feel like at a point I'll just get used to it. So I don't, I think I'll probably not be mad at her. I'll just be like upset about the situation. But I feel like I can differentiate like being mad at her and then just like being tired.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, and I actually really appreciate your pausing and being like, I actually don't know, mom, but we're recording and I have to have an answer. Yeah. Because I think that that's real life. You know, real life is, you know, I don't really know because if I don't sleep, I'm probably gonna be grumpy. And the grumpier I am, the harder it is for me to be like, it's cool, it's no problem. You know, that's a lot harder. Everything is harder when you're not sleeping, everything is harder when you don't feel well, everything's harder when physically you're exhausted from practices and a change in schedule and homesickness and being out of your comfort zone. Like these first couple of months, if you're not sleeping well, are gonna feel really hard.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

So I actually appreciate having the chance to sort of like pause and say, I don't really know. I'm I'm gonna do my best to try not to be mad at her, but I am probably gonna be frustrated and I gotta figure out how to deal with that. Yeah. Yeah. So I think the message that I want you to hear is it's okay. It's okay to be frustrated with that situation. It's just not okay to take it out on her.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Right. And it would even be fair, you know, to say, like, I'm just, you know, I've been having a hard time sleeping. And you don't have to say, like, I'm having a hard time sleeping because you snore all night long. It's just I'm having a hard time sleeping. And so I'm trying to regulate like how I can still um, you know, feel good throughout the day when I'm tired. I it's gonna be fine. I know I'm gonna be fine. It's just taking me a minute. Because the thing is when we're irritated and we live with someone, and you and I have encountered this before in this house, where there's somebody else in the house that is irritated for one reason or another, and then what is our tendency to internalize? See if you know this answer. What is our tendency to like think about so like if if one of your brothers is irritated or whatever and they're around you and they're irritated, what's your first like thought? Um, like they're mad at me. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad you I wasn't sure if you were like gonna follow where I was going. But yeah, right. So it's like it's really easy when you're around someone who's irritable. Yeah, to be like, what did I do? Why are you mad at me? And so I think it's gonna be important when you have roommates to say, Hey, this isn't about you. Like my frustration or my irritation or my bad mood isn't about you. Because if not, then we're putting her in that situation of wondering, like, was Maya really mad at me? I don't know what happened, you

Late-Night Homework And Light Compromises

SPEAKER_00 15:17

know.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

And then we don't talk about it. So the other thing that I was thinking about in particular around sleeping is another issue that we'll talk about, which is procrastination. So the moments where you're procrastinating on work that needs to be done tomorrow, and then you're staying up late to work on homework and your roommate's trying to sleep. Yeah, I see that. That's going to happen.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

I feel like I wouldn't want to, yeah, I should buy a doctor because I'm not good like when I work on my stuff in bed, like in the room. Like, I would probably I could see myself like if I have work to do, like I'm just gonna stay out in the lobby and do it until like even if it was like super late. But she might not be a wired the same way. Because I know if I'm just in my room, I'm just gonna go to sleep and not do it. So I should probably talk to her about that.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Yeah, so I just think it's a conversation to say, can we agree that the the latest that we're doing homework in here with lights on is 11:30 or 11 o'clock or midnight? I don't know. I don't know, whatever you both agree on. If it's a day where you have to wake up at 6:30, you're not gonna maybe want to have lights on, or is there a way that she could go in the lobby? If she doesn't want to go in the lobby, how can you compromise? Yeah, right. That's what these conversations are about. It's not she gets her way all the time, you get your way all the time, but you're gonna be living in this space together, and you gotta be able to create that space together where both of you feel like this is a safe place for me to be what I need to be.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

So, but what about if we just gotta um mask? I mean, that's how I live my life. Yeah, because then the lights are out, technically.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Yeah, I sleep in an eye mask every night because your dad sometimes comes in with his phone on, or he's you know, even that level of light for me wakes me up. So I sleep with an eye mask all the time. It's a very easy solution. Yeah, but sleeping with an eye mask sometimes takes practice, but it's a good solution. Here's what sometimes happens. People will be like, Well, why don't we just get an eye mask, you know? And then here's I'm not saying this would happen for you, but here we go. We put our eye mask on, and then we are passive aggressive, and we say, It's fine, I'm putting my eye mask on because you're up at 11:30 doing homework you should have been doing. I know, feels eye roll-y, but I promised you this happens. So if the solution that you both come up with is like maybe we could just have an eye mask some other time, then you have to be like, Yeah, that's a pretty good solution. Okay, and not be sass about it, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

The 24 Hour Rule For Hard Talks

SPEAKER_00 18:07

One last piece of advice. So last time I told you, what did you write down? Leave three what?

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Leave three unimportant things unsaid every day.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

Yeah, there you go. Three unimportant things left unsaid every day. I read another thing um that I share with a lot of folks because I think it's really powerful, is if it bothers you, here's your pen. If it bothers you after 24 hours, oh yeah, I know you're going with this. Talk about it within the next 72. So if it bothers you after 24 hours, talk about it in the next 72. So when you when you hear that, what do you think that means?

SPEAKER_01 18:48

If it bothers you after 24 hours, talk about it in the next 72. The first thing I thought of was like, I actually thought of like how it's if something is bothering you and you aren't talking about it, like as soon as it happens, like it becomes a thing of like, I just thought about Mason. Like when I argue with Mason, I'll be like, or he or I will be like, Whoa, you always do this, like remember that time you did that, and it's like just pulling out random things is just like annoying. But I think also like you have to make sure that you give it some time. Like, if you're annoyed, it could just be a moment, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Yeah, so that is exactly what this means. It means, you know, maybe you're just annoyed with your brother because you're just having a moment, right? And this was just kind of the last thing that just kind of tipped you over the edge today, right? And it's like, okay, let me just sleep on this and see if it really bothers me tomorrow. Because a lot of times you might wake up tomorrow and be like, you know what, forget it, it's not that big of a deal. But if it if you do wake up tomorrow and it is still like, no, that really bothers me, and I think we need to address it, don't wait three weeks. Yeah, and let it just like boil up. Yeah, boil up and grow into an infection inside of you, and it's really gross. So yeah, okay, we wrote that down. Good.

Quick Wrap And Next Topic Tease

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Today, Maya and I covered some of the everyday conflicts that can become much bigger when you're tired, stressed, or just, you know, tired of tearing a small space. Keep in mind not every irritation requires a conversation, but when something still matters after you've had time to cool down, addressing it clearly and quickly as well as respectfully can protect the relationship from resentment and kind of bigger problems. And the next part of our conversation, we're talking about homesickness, emotional overwhelm, and how to figure out what you actually need. Until next time, stay safe. Stay well, friend. Ciao.