Ep182: Growth Is Not Betrayal

College transition advice usually starts with boxes and bedding, but the bigger shift is emotional. Mya and I talk about what it really feels like to leave for college: the grief of changing high school friendships, the fear of disappointing people you love, and the guilt that can creep in when you start building new relationships on campus. If you’ve ever worried that moving forward means leaving someone behind, we name that pressure and offer a clearer truth to hold onto: growth is not betrayal.

We also dig into the everyday moments where this gets complicated. What happens when your high school friends plan a weekend get-together and your new college friends do too? How do you choose when you can’t be present in every part of your old life and your new life? We talk about “your best yes” and why every yes requires a no, especially during freshman year when your time, energy, and attention are suddenly limited.

Then we get practical with college preparation strategies that actually reduce stress: reading the syllabus before the first class, organizing notes and documents by class, planning exams and travel conflicts early, and using tools like Canvas and calendars to stay ahead. We share study techniques like handwriting notes, studying in smaller chunks over time, and the underrated skill of asking professors how they want you to prepare. We also break down how office hours work, what to do in big lecture classes, and how TAs can help you get unstuck before you feel overwhelmed.

If you’re preparing for college or helping a student get ready, this one is a steadying listen. Subscribe for the next conversation, share this with a student who needs it, and leave a quick review if it helped you rethink what it takes to start well.

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Transcript

Why College Feels Like Loss

SPEAKER_01 0:00

All right, friend, in this final part of the conversation with my daughter Maya, she prepares for um the transition to college. We focus on how leaving for college is not only about moving out of your house, but it also can mean grieving the way your friendships used to be, making room for new relationships and learning that you can't always be present in every part of both your old and your new life. Mai and I talk pretty honestly about the guilt that can come with making new friends, the fear of disappointing the people you love, and how to choose your best yes when every yes requires saying no to something else. We also move into some practical college preparation, reading the syllabus, organizing assignments, studying more effectively, asking questions, and actually using your professor's office hours. Lots of tidbits here. I hope you enjoyed today. Okay. Okay.

New Friends Without Betrayal

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Because you're gonna be grieving some things.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

What do you think you're gonna grieve?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Probably being with my friends and family.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Yeah, I think you're like high school friends, like grieving kind of the change that happens with high school friends. Inevitably that's gonna happen. Um, I think there's a kind of particular part of grief or a particular part of this stage of life that when we are kind of losing friendships, or when we have like lost a friendship and we're making new friendships, it can sometimes feel like a betrayal.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

So I think we just have to be aware of that as a thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

I never thought about that. So okay, what are you thinking? What's your brain telling you?

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Um, I don't know. I feel like I just think that's gonna have to be something like I can't even picture right now like liking other people more than like my friends. So I just don't know. Like, I don't know how that would be a betrayal for me, though. No, it's a betrayal of them. I'm betraying them, yeah, by making new friends. Yeah, but I feel like when I moved from Burris to Yorktown, I was like able to do both. Like I would low key like stress myself out because I'm like trying to make sure that both groups of people still feel like I'm not betraying them, which kind of adds more load on to me, but a load you may not want to carry forever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Maybe that is trying to avoid that feeling was the thing that were like really and and I think not all your friends. I mean, I think you had some friends at both places that probably needed pruning, but maybe you didn't want to feel like you were betraying them, and so you kind of kept going, and maybe that's what this next season is, because you're probably not gonna have enough time for all of the relationships you're gonna want to hold on to. Yeah. And so I think just realizing that and trying to figure out which relationships need pruning and which are there to stay.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Yeah, but I think you've also taught me that like a real friendship isn't gonna feel like you're betraying them, you know. Like you used to say, like, if there are burst people that are saying that you are betraying them, or like they would understand that you have different things that you need to be doing. But as far as like me, I feel like that's what I think. So I'm not like gonna be like I'm betraying them because I'm like, if they could take this as a betrayal, then they're not my real friend, probably.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Yeah, I think that that is something you just have to remind yourself.

Finding Your Best Yes

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yeah, you know, so it's like, hey, I'm spending time with these new people, and I think that that early on I'm thinking about this first semester, and again, you're gonna be busy with games on the weekends, but I'm thinking about the FOMO that you sometimes experience where your friends from high school might be getting together the third weekend, and you're like, your friends on campus are doing something too, and then you have to choose.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

How do you choose your best guess?

SPEAKER_00 4:12

I don't know. I think it's probably I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like if that were to be now, if my team now in college was meeting up and my friends now in high school are meeting up, I would feel like I was betraying them to hang out with my college friends because I'm not there, but I feel like when I'm there, it just like makes sense to be there. And I feel like that is something that other people should understand. It just feels like an excuse, kind of like, well, I'm this is where I am, so like you can't be mad at me. That's like what I think, but it's probably not right, but that's like No, I I don't think it's right or wrong.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

I just think then if somebody else is mad at you for not coming back for the thing, and you're like, Well, I was there and I'm trying to build friendships here, it doesn't mean that I don't care about you. Yeah, it just means I have to make space for these other things that are happening in my life too. Yeah, that's what I think I would explain.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Like, doesn't take anything away from you or us, it's just like how life goes.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

I know. I mean, it's so hard. I know listeners who have been through some of these things. I know you're already like, I know it's such a hard part. Like, that is a hard part because inevitably feelings get hurt, you know, because people want you to be in both places. And I'm pretty sure it's Lisa Turkhurst a long time ago. I don't know, I might mess up the author, but was talking about what your best yes is, and it it has really stuck with me a lot as I think about decisions that I make, particularly social decisions, because every yes means a no to something else. And so I'm I'm often a yes right away person. Although we were just talking about this from a parenting perspective, and I'm not sure she would say I'm a yes person as a parent, but um, I tend to be like, I want to help them, or I want to do that thing, and or that sounds fun, and I'll say yes. And then later I'm like, oh, I wish I didn't say yes to that, because now I've said no to other things that I really value more. And so I think I think I get that from you. The the sooner you can master that, the better.

unknown 6:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

It's like what is gonna be my my best yes both now and later. Yeah. That's gonna be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah, I think I do that a lot too now, and I've learned that it just is more stress, and then you don't even enjoy the thing you said yes because you're like, I could be doing this. Yeah. So I think I've been more mindful of that recently because I've been feeling that even more lately.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Yeah.

First Day Plan And Syllabus

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Okay, one last piece. First day of classes. You've taken your picture, post it on Instagram. I don't know why you're making that face. Like that's not what's gonna happen. I'm not gonna post my day of class on Instagram. Okay, well, I'm gonna post your first day of classes. You're gonna send me the picture like we always do on the first day of school, obviously. Um, so here you are. You walk into your first class. What are you gonna do? First, I'm gonna find a place to sit. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

Preferably next to my teammate because we have a lot of classes together.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Good plan. Then I'm going to listen to my teacher. Okay. You're going to get out whatever note-taking device you're going to have. Yeah. Well, the first day we're taking notes on the first day. I mean, you probably should have the syllabus out.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Oh, yeah, I forgot you have to read the syllabus. You already forgot that part. It's the most important thing. I've never read the syllabus until you said that I have to.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

I know. I was a little bit shocked. It like kind of crushed my spirit a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

But you were like, actually, in one of my in one of my college classes, we read the syllabus. So that's just like a college thing, I think. I'm not even kidding.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

Yeah, it is definitely a college thing. And I definitely want you to come into class having already read the syllabus. Do not show up to that first day of class being like, you're gonna read it to me. Do they go over it? Often they will go over it, but sometimes they come in expecting that you have already gone over it. And that's a very real expectation. Like, dang it. So you should you don't have to print the syllabus, though I tended to print syllabi because I wanted to write on them. You don't have to, but you should have like a folder on your iPad for all your different classes so you can keep your notes straight, and you should write down some things, like, hey, there are two exams in here, and hey, the midterm is the same weekend of this tournament, and so I'm gonna have to plan ahead. Like the syllabus is your your map guide, right? And so you're especially having a busy schedule, you're gonna have to be aware of that.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Should I separate um like all my classes and put the syllabus in the class, or should I separate the syllabus from like make a folder that's like syllabus?

SPEAKER_01 9:03

I mean, I would have everything by like by class instead of having all your syllabi together.

Calendars Paper Planners And ChatGPT

SPEAKER_01 9:10

But I think if you're a person who likes to keep organized and to like keep checking to make sure you've got all your assignments done, do they use Canvas? I think so. Yeah, because Canvas is pretty like whatever learning management system, they're it's pretty easy to keep things organized there, but you have to have some sort of organizational structure. And so if you're just checking your syllabi or you write every every assignment on your calendar, I have a lot of students who do that where they take all the assignments and then they make sure they put them on the calendar, or they um that's kind of smart, really though. Here is the best thing I've like. Remember what I did for the boys' games? I put it into Chat GPT. Chat is brilliant. So you take pictures of the assignments on your syllabi, and then you tell chat to add it to my calendar. Not to add it to your calendar. I don't well, I don't know, maybe chat can do that, but I'm sure some chat can do that somewhere. But take pictures and then have them put it in chronological order. See what I'm saying? Would it not be listed in chronological order? Well, it would, but not all five classes together. Oh, see what I'm saying? So it's like oh, I see. Take take five pictures of your five syllabi and then say chat, put all of my assignments into chronological order.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

And then put them in my calendar, and then have them in your calendar. Should I put them in the same calendar as my volleyball things? Because that's a lot. Well, I would make it a different color in your calendar.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I'm gonna need like I kind of miss my old calendar that's like on paper. I mean, I also would not I I'm not opposed to a a paper planner. Oh yeah. You know? Yeah. So you write out from week to week. I I just have to think that way. So I print a paper calendar every week with my week. And so I sit down on Sunday or I sit down on a Friday or whatever day, and then I lay out my whole week so that I know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

A paper planner might be good because like my online calendar can be volleyball things, and then yeah, my paper planner is like what I have for school that week.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Well, in week to week, you can put your games and your practices on there, even though they're still on this calendar. Yeah. But I think any like major events, if they're in your calendar and then you have your paper calendar week to week, then you can stay on top of things. Yeah, that's a good plan. Yeah, I think that's a good plan too. And um, I think that is probably we did not get to talking about how do we structure time between classes, but otherwise, we covered all the things that I wanted to talk about.

Study Habits And Office Hours

SPEAKER_01 11:43

What's one question you have about college?

SPEAKER_00 11:46

I think. Probably my biggest questions about college are like more like you have to just see, but it is like about like study techniques, like because I'm not I'm not a great studier as we've already learned. So, like, depending on the class, like what's the best way to study for this, or like how can I remember like all the things I need to remember. But those are I remember like those are questions that I wanted to ask the girls that were in my major before, but they weren't there when I was at UND. So I would say, like, what's a really good tip, something that some people have for studying and getting good grades. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Uh well, my answer, since I don't know, I'll share it.

unknown 12:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

My answer is handwrite your notes. I know it feels just redundant, but there is something different about handwriting your notes. So whether it's handwriting on your iPad or handwriting on a notebook, and it doesn't it doesn't not everything I ever do is handwritten, but a lot of what I do is handwritten because it um I kind of thought that was a myth. No, it's not a myth. It's really like the processes in the brain. And I think the other part is studying smaller chunks over time. We talked about cramming last time, but I think studying smaller bits over time. And I think the thing that maybe most students don't realize is you can ask your professor, like, hey, what is the best way to study for this? What would you suggest I do to prepare for this? Because sometimes I have like added resources in my Canvas page for students week by week, and they will study those things. But if they would have asked me, I would tell them, like, that's not gonna be on the exam. So if you're really trying to study for my exam, you have to read the textbook. Ask your professor, what would be a good way that you tell students to study for this particular thing? Yeah. What's a great place that you tell students to get started? That is a an excellent question for an instructor, and they're the ones who are gonna know.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

Yeah, that's true. I guess now you may think I do have a question of like, I'm a person that's like, I have so many questions always, like while I'm learning. What is appropriate? I just know I'm not gonna feel like I want to like ask all the questions I have. But like in high school, like if I have a bunch of questions, like I can just go early to class, yeah, and like lay it all out. Yeah, I don't know if that's the same or not. Like, can I just kind of have like one-on-one, like, or is that really a thing? Because I know like at bigger schools, probably not you indie, but like they have these huge lecture halls, like you can't really be one-on-one with the teacher.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Yeah, so it's a great question, and I think it's a great thing to know about yourself that you really like the connection to the teacher, right? You're a relationship person, so you like kind of like that connection. And so asking questions and clarifying, I think is your best way of learning. And I think in a smaller discussion-based class, that's gonna you're gonna be able to operate just like you did in high school. You're gonna be able to answer all your ask all your questions, it's gonna be fine. I think some professors are gonna roll in right at the time class starts, but they will stay after, where you can go up and ask a question afterward. All instructors always have office hours. Oh, okay. So it's listed on the syllabus the times that they have office hours where they're in their office, door wide open. Oh, okay. Right? Uh most professors would schedule an appointment, but you can ask about office hours, like, hey, you know, I wanted to stop by office hours tomorrow. Will you be available? I wanted to ask a couple of questions. You could shoot an email, and that's easy peasy. But that's what the office hours are for. Um, but I have a lot of students who stick around after class to ask me a question. And if it's a longer question than I can answer right after class, I'll say, Hey, why don't you email me? We'll set an appointment, we can chat a little bit longer. For bigger classes, usually there's a TA, a teacher's assistant, or a course assistant that is kind of the person that you talk to. So usually they're an upperclassman or they're a graduate student and they're kind of helping to teach the class. And that's often a great resource in a bigger class. So if you have a lab or you have a class that has a course assistant or a teacher assistant, they're the ones who are gonna get lots of questions for you too. Yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah. Because I think that also just helps me study, like it helps to study when I actually understand what I'm talking about, but I won't unless I ask.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Yeah. And some of the stuff you're gonna know because you've read and you've prepared and you've done the things the instructor tells you, and then there's always gonna be things that you're not sure about. And so taking notes during lecture in particular is gonna be really important.

Growth Is Not Betrayal

SPEAKER_01 16:53

As we talked today about making room for new relationships, I want folks to remember that it doesn't erase the old ones, right? Growth is not betrayal. And choosing to invest in the life in front of you doesn't mean the people from your previous season matter less to you. The transition to college also requires more than academic ability. You need systems, relationships, communication skills, and the willingness to ask for help before you become overwhelmed, and that's a skill to learn on its own. I am grateful that Maya was willing to have these conversations with me and with all of you as we both prepare for this next chapter. I look forward to having at least one more session with her as we are working on some of the final arrangements, including, and I'm not sure either of us are looking forward to this conversation. Um what are we going to do on Move and Day when it's time to say goodbye? That's what's coming next. Until next time, friend. Thanks for being here. Ciao.